All I know is that ache and bitterness still comes out. Regret, and sorrow. Pain and so much love still....
Cinders it is Ok to back track. I do it all the time; it simply means there is a little part of grieving that you missed. You need to get it al done. It’s not nice to do, it’s uncomfortable but it is important!!
Do not even try to rush through this process. Do not try to bury your feelings and emotions.
FWIW I don’t think you are making your H too bigger part of your life. I think there is a tendency for it to seem like that when you post on DB board but if you are anything like me (who writes loads of stuff about H in a diary) it is a case of 20 minutes off load time and then it’s forgotten and a normal –ish happy life is resumed.
Your H probably back tracks too. Don’t for one moment think he doesn’t regret. My H has told me as much. He said that he will always wonder if he made the right decision. As the honeymoon period wears off he will question that more. Two weeks ago he told me he was dreaming about me. I didn’t question what he had dreamed … he insisted on telling me that the dream was a bit ‘naughty’ We have been divorced a couple of months now. So, yea, I think it is a bit naive to think that he has walked away without any regret and remorse. When I feel like you do, I get the lighthouse story out and read that.
You know, I see my previous behaviour in my H. In the initial stages of my R with OM I was high as a kite, couldn’t be nicer to my H. Felt sorry for him, and wanted him to be as happy as me. As things soured with OM, (I started to see his true colours – notice how immature he was) I wanted to hide away from everyone especially my H. I kept up the pretence that everything was fine with OM for a long time after it was emotionally dead out of pride. Not wanting to admit I had made a mistake and not wanting to be sucked into the old relationship with my H, as I felt I would be back as square one with a load of guilt on top.
Anyway, you’re doing fine Cinders. Try to look for all of the good that has come from your H period of insanity. You have become much stronger, more independent, a heroine to your children, a beacon of light to people on the DB board. He must look at you and regret what he has lost.
Nutty x
Last edited by Nutty Chick; 10/07/0808:16 AM.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needed to read what you wrote today.You seem to understand exactly what goes on in me right now. Thank you for that, and ESPECIALLY for taking the time to put it in writing for me, so that when I come here to read, I am comforted by those exact words ! THANK YOU !!!
May God Bless You for having taken the time to care for me !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I really debated on whether to write this or not, as once again, some of the newer members may think that my H is making babysteps, whilst he is doing no such thing !
Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She turned 60. H sent her a huge bunch of flowers (roses). One of my mother's friends' husband was so impressed he told her that H probably wanted me back.
He doesn't.
This is just him, wanting to be kind. Letting us all know he's not a bad guy even though he made certain choices in life.
Today was the first time D9 asked him if ow was around and he said 'no, she's out with her friends'...It means NOTHING, no breakdown in their relationship. Yet I was relieved to hear that they don't spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT TOGETHER.
Oh well.
I think I knew, when I first came here, that my H was the type to make a decision and stick to it. He left, and he's not coming back.
I am trying to be appreciative of all the good in my life. Right now it's hard, because I'm struggling inside, but in my heart I know that I have so very much to be thankful for.
My dream was shattered and I have not yet decided what to dream next. I think I'm making it up as I go along....
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I think I knew, when I first came here, that my H was the type to make a decision and stick to it. He left, and he's not coming back.
My H told me that I should have known he will do it if he decided on something! Well, after 2 years he wanted to give us another chance. So that meant that he was not sure whether he made the right decision.
I don't want to give you false hope, but the saying goes: it is not over until it is over. Have a good day. (((HUGS)))
Cinders that's exactly the sort of thing my x would do and has done similar. But after all these years if he had regrets he will take them to his grave, yes they were good,nice,decent guys they just found new loves and lives. Maybe they were brave or cowards? Funny I said a similar thing to a male friend who has been in a loveless marriage for over 30 years and he confides in me. He stayed for his daughter and now he says he is just too comfortable and too scared to leave ,he sometimes runs my x down and says how could he etc..but Strangly I stick up for him and say well it must have taken a huge amount of courage. Now I can see that, still will never understand how or why he couldn't have tried to make it work or just tell me he was unhappy, but guess thats hindsight. Take care. All will be well one day.
No false hope, but wanted to say that after beind divorced from my 1st H for 12 years and apart for 14, he told me this past weekend that he has regretted our D and his R with the OW.
Wow! Did that ever make me feel good inside. It was something that I never thought he would feel, let alone admit. The ending of our M was terribly bitter and a long expensive battle.
I could never understand how he could just walk away after 18yrs of marriage. Now I know it wasn't so easy for him afterall.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I am trying to be appreciative of all the good in my life. Right now it's hard, because I'm struggling inside, but in my heart I know that I have so very much to be thankful for.
Boy, is that how I feel!!! Wow. With the divorce a week away, I am pretty shredded, but trying to remind myself just how lucky I am. Its hard though, when (like you said) our dreams have been shattered, along with our hearts. And we're left to pick up the pieces. We will do it, just have to get through this time first.
We have been divorced a couple of months now. 
So, yea, I think it is a bit naive to think that he has walked away without any regret and remorse. When I feel like you do, I get the lighthouse story out and read that.