Hi everyone, thought I better say a word or more to keep my thread going here. Not a lot has changed on the home front. Still just remain friends more than anything else, but I suppose that is better than it use to be. Well, I KNOW it's better than it use to be! But, I get sad b/c I still need him to talk to me about his feelings and he won't. For instance, he is going to the doctor today and it has been several years since his open heart surgery, but he won't have a stress test or anything done. I can see some signs that I saw before his surgery and it scares me. When I question him, he acts like he is angry at me. He won't talk to the doctor and so I decided to take off work this afternoon to go with him so I could hear what the doctor said and to be sure the doctor knew what was going on. But, my H gets really upset at me and told me I WAS NOI GOING BACK TO SEE THE DOCTOR LIKE HE WAS TWO YEARS OLD! Well, I tried to explain how I was afraid and he wasn't telling the doc everything. He finally said he thought that they would send him somewhere else for tests. Duh! Men!! I said, "So what? Isn't it worth your life"? He thought for a minute and finally nodded his head. He agreed that he would talk to the doc about it, so I didn't go b/c I have felt very bad the past few days. So, we will see. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

This past weekend was hard for me. We have serveral birthdays at the same time in the family and they were all coming to our house for the celebration. Well, of course, I had to be down with the Fibro and not able to do anything. Happens every weekend, it seems. As I started seeing my family come in, I become so upset and started crying that I felt like I was losing it. I did not want my GD to see me in that state....afraid it would scare her and I made a dive for the bathroom. My D followed me in there and was so sweet and talked to me and had me to go lay down in the bed. My girls took over with the food and everything while I stayed in bed. But, I miss everything special that comes around anymore. Years ago, I would have had this place decorated from top to bottom and had games planned.....the whole works. Now, I can't even prepare a meal. It is so hard for me to accept this mess. If I could just have some good times, but it seems like every weekend it falls for me to be sick.

Anyway, after everyone went home, my H acted kind of ticked off at me and I didn't understand. Maybe it was his frustration b/c he wants his "old wife" back......well, I do too. But, that makes me feel even worse for him to act that way. If I say anything, he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about so I usually don't even bring it up.

Sometimes, he is good to fix something to eat for us or he is patient about eating carry out food, but I know he gets sick of it. He gets fed up with me never feeling good or like going anywhere. That was the biggest reason he was able to talk me out of going to the doc with him today, was b/c I didn't feel like going.

So, maybe the communication level will never be what I always dreamed of having with a H, but I just wished he could open up and talk about his feelings. It would help me so much. That is my LL and I've never had it. So, how does one learn to live without it? If a person's LL was physical affection and they never got it, how would they stay in a M without it?

I feel so starved for this. Always have and I know I would be a different woman if I had had what I needed all these years.

Well, anyway, that is about it for now. No huge changes. Hope you all take care.

Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!