I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ,

Did Pisces hear similar stuff? Seems like hers was so smooth. I messed up a lot during the conversation I think. I even sort of cried at one point, but at least it was mixed with laughter about something dumb.

He had the nerve to say that I hadn't held back during the summer and had "said plenty". The thing is that I KNOW this isn't really H, no matter how much he has been thinking about life and yada yada. He says I wasn't listening to him, and now it's the dynamics between us that are a problem, even if we go to a counselor. He kept harping on how I need to be prepared for the very real possibility that things won' work out, and I kept saying that if he wanted me to focus on this, then he should think about the possibility that things could be much better, even though this would probably take more than 2 weeks to figure out. I understand I shouldn't have said that, that is SO anti-DB. However I feel like he has given me an ultimatum. I don't know how to handle this proposed 2 weeks...And you know, using the Secret, I asked for H to ask me to move back home today, under any auspices. I guess this is it unless something happens Thursday...

All in all, not a very DB conversation although I did say "I apologize" and "I understand" a number of times. Afterwards I made a few mistakes again. I tried to hug him twice, and put my head on his chest. He was sooo cold and distant. He says he's not angry at me, but I know he is. I mean on the one hand he says I am wonderful and he likes being around me, but even when we were just friends he was affectionate, not like this. Affection for him now is touching my butt. He has been doing this all day, which I allow because it's all I can get at the moment.

I guess the email on Wednesday is still warranted. I also hope he gets to the relationships section of the MLC book, because maybe it will give him a clue, as he is SO wrapped up in self-help.

Now I am sitting upstairs, trying not to cry, and his stupid friend/roommate whom I've never met could be home at any minute. I just can't believe that someone could be so unfeeling. I mean he is acting like I need to just understand his mission in life or something, and like I am being SO selfish. I am sick of his self-help nonsense. I think it can be taken way too far. His latest, "marriage is a choice that we can make every day. I am not sure that this is a choice I am prepared to make right now." He's "becoming someone different than he ever was, and this person might need to find a different path to happiness, and I might need to find one as well." Ridiculous. I made another faux pax. I reminded him of how he pursued me for one year before even loving me, when he only liked me like he does now, and how he didn't give up. I said the H I know did not give up after 3 months of pain. The one success that I think I had this time was mentioning how far he had come in 3 months, and how it was good that I had gone away for 3 months as before he hadn't missed me, and hadn't wanted to talk to me, and now he missed me and liked to talk to me. He sort of agreed

I need some inspiration...I KNOW H still loves me. In fact now he is up here, laughing with me at some show, insisting I put some others on my laptop (obviously oblivious to what I'm doing at the moment). His biggest issue seems to be "not wanting to string me along". I mentioned again that I wouldn't be dating anyone anyway so was fine to see how things went, that some people's sitches take a year, some a week, everyone was unique.

Feeling confused...

ITH