I think about your words all the time. They help me get through the fog to see things more clearly.
Goals:
1.) focus on myself, work, my nucleus (mother & father) 2.) be intentionally present 3.) strengthen boundaries 4.) be an A magnet . . .
Current Progress:
1.) less worry & less obsessing 2.) enjoying focusing on work and friends at work 3.) enjoying time with parents 4.) made cookies with Mom when family visits for Mom's 83rd. 5.) can concentrate a little better 6.) talk with M only once a week. (she looks for me)
Results:
1.) feel good about myself 2.) feel good about my job 3.) have fun with friends at work 4.) enjoy company with Mom 5.) don't concentrate on anything negative 6.) thinking about my interests more, want to 'do it' 7.) praying more, feeling more grateful 8) looking into new style for new wardrobe. 9.) down time, still get sad about the silence
I feel if I give M an inch she will take a mile. I'm sure it will all be how I present it to her and how I react when she out 'A's me. It gets to me, and it will send me spiraling down. Don't want to risk it right now. I want to handle this in a new way.
I asked her once before about not talking about 'A'. She basically told me that she was not going to edit her words. I don't want to give her anything that she can misinterpret.
I've been thinking that M looking for me can be a good thing. I hope. I like the message that I have more purpose and direction in my life. I'm busy taking care of matters at hand. I'm proud of myself.
Hey, could you push your house a little East? Meanwhile, I'll push my house a little West.
Today I reached that goal that I thought 'maybe' wouldn't happen. Woo-hoo! He called at 1:30. I couldn't call back until 7:15 pm because it was a busy day . . . work, Mom's birthday. I left a message -- good tone, short, sweet. What a great feeling. Ahhhh! Still staying on the same course . . . October 6!
Still Dark. I haven't eaten very well. Working very hard. 12 hours today. No call back from 'A'. End of month. Hope he is busy with end-of-month sales. A handsome friend of mine from work met 'A' by accident. Good story. Getting a little anxious again and a little sad, but still hopeful. This is tough. Waiting for October 6. Miss him.
Dear JoJo, You got a call from A? OK, you want that to keep happening, right? It sounds that you offered the best response you could in a voicemail. That let's him know you will respond to his initiations.
So, this was the kind of step you were hoping for, right? Even though this is a good step, I hear your emotions get pulled down after getting the message and returning a voicemail back. So I really encourge you to go back to the great list you just wrote out on this BB to refresh your focus and continue to do those things that help.
This balance of putting more focus on making your life better, responding when he initiates, and avoiding the temptation to pursue him more than he is pursuing you, will take time. This is a habit change for you and there's more "break-in" time needed for this habit to become a bit easier. But the old habits of being predictably always available weren't working, so I admire you for trying something different!
And, if your distancing from M seems to be helping with A - then there is value for more than one reason to continue some distance there. Also, it sounds as if you may need to rethink how to address the A talk you get from her. Any ideas how you would like to deal with that?
And, I am sorry, but I am actually going more west today for a few days. But, I'll be back!
Hugs to you JoJo!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
1.) Another call from 'A' yesterday as I was journaling. I text 'A' this morning to let him know that I was rushing off to do some errands, but I could talk to him soon. 2.) His initiating makes me relax and breathe better. 3.) I had a nice independent day today -- day of beauty, checked in at work, took care of myself. 4.) Got an old classic movie for my parents and I to watch together. I spent the rest of the night there. It was fun. 5.) Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since 'A' and I have talked. Sometimes, I wonder what he wants to talk about. I wonder if he is really looking for me. 6.) I noticed that after two weeks, the calls start coming. I suppose that is good to know. 7.) It is difficult to change this behavior. It is like a drug I want to take. 8.) Happy that my friend 'K' was there a couple times to deflect my feelings. 9.) I realized that I enjoyed focusing on work 110%. 10) Re: 'M', I don't know what to say. 11) The entanglement is too much for me. 12) I do enjoy her company when we talk about other things. When she mentions 'A', my stomach turns inside out. 13) Right now, I enjoy the distance and I enjoy my freedom from the crazy dynamics.
Laurie, I thank God that you are on the other side. Your wise words and encouragement have given my mind and my heart reason to breathe again.
1.) 'A' called tonight. Although, I was down today with the flu, I answered the call. I was eager to talk. 2.) We talked about the whole spectrum. 3.) As I should feel good about his call, after 12 minutes of conversation, we said our good-nights, and I had my 'A' withdrawals. 4.) In my mind, I went over our conversation. Was I ok? Even though I am sick, did I sound good, positive? Was I too much? Why didn't he ask to see me? 5.) No plans were made to see each other. Although goals were met, how do we see each other again. 6.) I should be happy, but I still want something to hold onto..
Positives:
1.) He initiated the call. We talked about fun things and good things. 2.) I encouraged him and gave him feedback. 3.) I'm happy that he didn't have to ask me anything, just a telephone visit.
Goal:
1.) Allowing 'A' to initiate more. 2.) Paying more attention to taking care of myself. 3.) Being a part of 'A's social plans -- movies, shows, & concerts. (all that he is doing apart from me) It is something he did before me and again after me. Why not with me? How do I show him and/or discuss with him that I'd like to share fun times with him and it doesn't mean that he has to lose his life because of it?
Dear JoJo, Yes, west...but I am back east, which is still quite west for you.
Ok, you are staying on track with your goals. And it sounds as if you are discovering that A can initiate, given a bit more time. And, it sounds as if you've really attempted to do stuff for you!
I am reading your last paragraph and I need some reminding. Did you tell me that A used to be the main initiator during your dating life? Or, did you do more of it? Then, during the time you were married, did that change at all? Did he used to initiate events, but wanted you to do more of it?
JoJo, I hope you are over the flu by now! Flu hug!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Welcome Home! I am planning a Ladies Brunch for Sunday . . . I wish you could come. You will be there in my heart and my prayers.
Progress:
1.) Made it 3 weeks with initiation from A. Feeling more relaxed knowing he will eventually call. Wow! 2.) Feeling better mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 3.) Having fun with friends and bonding more.
Past Experience with A:
1.) He always made plans and decision unilaterally. I'd follow. 2.) He always told me his plans. I'd follow. 3.) At times, he would do a 180 and expect me to lead. He'd be iritated with me because I'd be thrown off and I didn't assert myself to pick up his slack. 4.) At sometimes, if I initiated plans at the wrong time, he would act angry because he didn't want to lose control. 5.) Often, when he didn't have his way, he would show me in his behavior -- pout, be quiet. Guilt was probably involved. 6.) I became paralyzed . . . not knowing to wait for him or intiate plans. Often when I expected him to plan, it would leave me waiting, becoming iritated when he didn't make plans for us. (I wished I made plans for myself, at least) I set myself up for disappointment when there weren't plans because I didn't make plans for myself. He never told me when he needed me to lead. I never asked. 7.) Ocassionaly, when I acted independent, sure of myself and definite, he seemed to respond to it positively. 8.) He often voiced that he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. I felt like I was a part of the burden. I felt that he didn't want to be responsible to complete all my social happiness. 9.) Because I got caught waiting for him to lead, I got lost in waiting. Instead of doing something different by building my own social life, I did nothing. 10.) Maybe he'd respect seeing me busy with my own life and ocassionally turn him down or not change my plans because he can't join me.
Goals:
1.) Watch for A to initiate more. 2.) A plan social events with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3.) Turn him down sometimes because I'm busy???????? 4.) Being ok even when A turns down my plans? (I'm not ready to ask him or plan anything with him in mind . . . even though I'd like to in the future.)[/color]
[color:#009900]Present Action:
1.) Going forward giving A more time to initiate. 2.) Be positive and busy with job, friends, family, and hobbies. 3.) Be appreciative, encouraging, and positive when he calls . . . plan to be busy when he asks me to do something.
L, I've been thinking more independent thoughts. I'm happy about it. Glad your back. Hope all is well.
Hi . . . Hope you read update regarding past experiences with A. I think it is key to our current and future 'R'. Laurie, thank you for holding my hand through this.
Progress:
1.) Waiting in the dark is very difficult. 2.) Figuring that at times like these when I want to give a verbal hug to 'A' I need to do something for me that will be better for my future 'R' with 'A'. Right?
Today's Goals:
1.) Check into competitive rates in Oil Companies. 2.) Walk around the Pond. 3.) Talk deep breathes and enjoy the foliage. 4.) Make tomato sauce from the tomatoes from my garden. 5.) Call my friend, Flora.
This 'is' difficult, but I am feeling more hopeful and confident.
