The fundamental problem/concern I have is this. I refer to it as being at opposite ends of the spectrum, H calls it a catch-22.
I want to start off with the foundation of commitment. Meaning, I want us both to say "I am here. I am not going anywhere. Things may get hard, they may get ugly. We WILL have good days and we WILL have crappy days. But I am HERE and I WILL continue to be here, no matter what."
This attitude/approach frees me up b/c then I feel like, it is okay to have these arguments. And when H wants to take a time out and drop the subject, it is ok because we have plenty of time to address it (whatever it may be) later. I am free to say whatever I am thinking/feeling b/c we are trying to grow together. I don't have to try so hard to DB (know what I mean?) EVERY interaction. I can just "breathe and BE" around my H and let him do the same....
In Retro we had to each pick a goal for our M. Mine was to establish a foundation of commitment and fidelity (it came off a list of suggested goals). My assignment was then to write H a letter regarding my promise/pledge of commitment and fidelity. I wrote this up and read it to H on Saturday night.
ON THE OTHER HAND...
H believes that we must get beyond all of our issues, all of our past, all of our garbage FIRST, then once he feels comfortable sharing himself with me, THEN he can commit himself to our M on a long-term, commitment-type basis. That is opposite of me. I want the commitment to make it worth the time and effort to drag everything out, deal with it, and move forward. He wants to make sure we can deal with it all before he can commit....
He did not do the personal blueprint for his own life, which came as the first assignment, nor did he do the Marriage Blueprint/Goal/Action plan.
When I asked him yesterday what he thought about my letter to him pledging my commitment and fidelity, I said I wanted an honest opinion. H said he feels that I come at this whole Marriage/relationship thing with "Rose-colored glasses" and "unrealistic goals/expectations". He said he doesn't think you can just decide to be 100% committed and to vow to love and support the other person forever, no matter what....
OK
A) That explains a lot! How could he be committed and faithful and supportive of me if he fundamentally believes that is unrealistic and "rose-colored" thinking?
B) HELLO--what is marriage if not a vow of love, commitment, and fidelity. Has he read the actual vows he took?
BUT JUST TO KEEP IT INTERESTING...
H says he is "working on" feeling that way about our marriage/relationships in general. He wants me to be patient while he works on it. He says he still has tons of anger/unresolved resentment directed toward me for things that happened/decisions he made in the past. Things he has told me AND our counselor that he KNOWs are not my fault, but for which he also knows he blames me anyway.
This grates at me b/c I feel that I have been willing to forgive him for his REAL screw-ups, like cheating on me with more than one woman over the years, lying to me, and walking away from me and the kids (mostly me) when he moved up to Iowa. And yet he is holding back b/c he can't forgive me for things that he ACKNOWLEDGES were never really my fault??
So this is where we stand. I asked him if he could promise me forever yesterday, before the Retro class we had. He said, "That is what I am working on". So I said, "But you aren't there yet..." He sighed and said, "I am trying" which was an answer in its own way.
But then as we were in a horrible argument on the way home from Retro, with him punching the car door and yelling as I drove down the road, he said he wanted to drop the argument bc he was too agitated and we could talk about it later. I tried to pursue (bad habit of mine), and he said "If we are going to be together forever can't you let it go for right now?"
I don't know if that means he wants to commit or if he is just using my own argument against me to get what he wants....
I decided screw it, I will drop it b/c it isn't helping to fight. I did my best to let it go for the night, kissed him goodnight, kissed him goodbye this morning as he goes to canada for four days...
Not sure what comes next.........................I just don't want to open myself up to him again, feel all those feelings for him and then have him say, "Well, I tried, it didn't work, bye bye"
