LADYBUG trying to detatch..but doesn't know how.

[ms ladybug]

In light of Jen’s sitch, it almost seems trivial, but I wanted to update:

Quick re-cap: H applied and interviewed for a job in Santa Maria, putting himself 3hrs away. He’s VERY confident that he’ll get the job, and I don’t doubt it either. How he can move away from the kids, I’ll never understand. We are going to have to sell the house the kids and I are living in. Neither of us can afford it on our own, and h is planning to move anyway.
I’ve looked on-line, and I can get a decent house at a good price…but selling our house in going to be a challenge. I don’t think we have equity in it with the way the market is. I LOVE our house, and would hate to sell it, but I see no other way.

I sent an email to h the other day that said I wanted to talk. He told me that he thinks I have a renewed interest in working on our marriage because of the house and pending divorce.
I replied in a text last night that said, “I’m OK with selling the house. I’m sad. But, I’ve been looking at houses, praying, and I know that God will take care of the kids and I no matter what.”
His reply, “Ur far too dramatic and uneccesarily sarcastic.”

???

OK. Whatever. I didn’t think that needed a reply, so I didn’t.

Here’s where I’m at. I don’t know this man that is currently my husband. At one time, I knew a very caring, thoughtful, loving man who always put me first in his life. He loved God, and wanted to be a better husband and man. This person in front of me now, is NOT the man I married. He’s rude, vulgar, and mean. Folks, I’m not making this up. If I were to meet him today, I would never choose to be friends with him. He has called me every name in the book (all of them). Told me I’m useless, lazy, and a b1tch. Told me to F-off several times…
Why do I love him? I KNOW better. I KNOW I’m a worthwhile, smart, caring person. I KNOW I’m a damn good mom, and would die for my family.
I don’t want a divorce…but I don’t want this ALIEN either.

How did I get my mindset straight? What do I want, and how can I get there?

[Coach]

ms lb, Answer your own question. What do you want? Begin with the end in mind and work backwards to now. It's just a plan but a start to where you want to be. You can handle it.
Cheers

[maninmotion]

Hi ladybug. I can't say who abducted your husband and put this person in his place. I'll say that him calling you every name in the book reeks of him feeling hurt. There may be no objective reason for him to feel that way, but, that's what it sounds like to me.

I'm going to suggest something that I've been thinking on lately. One friend of mine pointed out that a lot of relationships with alcoholics fail after the alcoholic quits drinking. He theorized that they fail because when the alcoholic can no longer be credibly seen as the cause of all the other spouse's troubles and unhappiness, if they are unable or unwilling to look in the mirror at themselves and undertake the personal growth necessary to get past their problems, they will probably leave or sabotage things until the relationship is destroyed.

For so many of the situations here, there isn't abuse or addiction, however, I am starting to think that in many ways the walk away spouses are blaming their internal unhappiness on the LBS and they are walking away thinking that will bring them happiness.

At least for me, I've decided that I need to move on. I hope my W eventually takes a hard look at herself, but, if not, I've grown and changed like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon and I've got to go and do butterfly things.

((((ladybug))))

No 2x4s around here.

Dan

[ms ladybug]

Thanks for the male perspectives. It's hard to think of h hurting when he's spewing venom. But, I'll try to see it that way.

What do I want? My original husband back.

[ms ladybug]

Just got off the phone with h. Now, he's thinking about NOT moving. But, because the housing market is so bad, he wants to move back home, have me move to my mom's house, and the house is HIS. Apparently, he CAN afford it on his own. So what do I get...nothing! In a few years, when he does sell the house...I get NOTHING!
I get to move myself and 2 kids into my mom's house, try to save some money for a house starting at $0, while h gets to move into a cozy 4 bedroom house ALONE! Any of this make sense? I mean, we won't (HE won't) lose equity, but...something isn't right about this.

Time for me to go to the bank. I need to open a new account in my name only.

Am I losing my mind, or does this make sense to anyone else. Be honest.

[Trixi]

In a community property state, you are due half of all assets (but also half the debt.)
You need to see an attorney and take advantage of a free consultation to determine your rights.
Short answer- No, it does NOT make any sense.
You need to look at for you and your daughter--he is totally trying to get one over on you.

Good luck

[ms ladybug]

H called me last night when he got home from work at 3:30am. Why does he want to talk when I'm sound asleep? Anyway, he asked me what I was going to do about moving out and I told him I'd talk to him about it later. He said, "I'm tired of seeking you out to talk to you. You never try to talk to me, and I'm always here. So, I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm tired of paying all the bills and everything for a house I don't live in. You can't continue to live there if you're not going to work on the marriage. You're going to get ONLY what the court says I have to pay you and no more. So, pack up your sh!t and get out!" Then he hung up on me.

So, at 3:30am, I'm wide awake and pissed off. Makes for a not so great day at work right now.

He's referring to me not wanting to talk when he gets off work (2-4am), and not wanting to talk while I'm at work. His comment about working on the marriage also makes me angry. He's so mean, and unloving, how can I WANT to work on things with him? I don't want to move, but maybe having a place of my own will bring me some peace. But, I don't think I should just hand over the house to him. Even if we have no equity in it, it has potential once the market picks up.

I wish I can wave a wand and turn him back into the man I married. I still love him deeply. I still think that maybe he's still in there somewhere.

[Trixi]

Is there a time when you are both awake and not at work?

Have you talked to an attorney about your rights regarding the house? And when you say there is no equity, do you mean that there is no money in it if you *sell it* after all the closing costs are paid? or that you truly owe exactly what it is worth?

Do you want to work on the marriage? Is he just trying to deflect the blame to you so that *he* can be the so-called victim?

Oops-I have to make a call right now- so I'll just post this and see what you say.

[ms ladybug]

He works swing shift 4pm to 2am. I work "business hours" 9-5. So, there is rarely time to talk between our sleep schedules and work. Except for his days off. This week, he picked up overtime during 2 of his days off, and was MIA on another one (out with a girl?).

All far as not having equity. Our house increased in value by $100,000 2 years after we bought it. With the way to market is today, we could probably sell it for what we currently owe on it.

Do I want to work on the marriage? That's so tough. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to hurt the kids anymore. I don't want to have to move. But, I don't KNOW this man that's my husband. He's very mean, and (I don't say this lightly) verbally abusive to me.
IF things could be different, I'd bend over backwards to work on the marriage. His idea of working on the marriage is for me to admit what a horrible wife I've been, completely change into the "Stepford wife" that he wants and back up his crazy ideas. IF I had a crystal ball to tell me WHO my husband is going to be a year from now, it would be a heck of a lot easier!

I don't know if that answers your questions.

[ms ladybug]

Just reading my last post kinda makes me sound like a b!tch. I'm just tired of all the crap. VERY TIRED.