H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Hi Beth Know how you feel about the sex thing - it would be a 180 for me, but I want it to be when there is some sort of commitment. It is SUCH a tough one, and you have my thoughts. I'm looking forward to seeing how you will handle it.
Just wanted to let you know that I would NOT recommend talking about sex, or about these boundaries that you are going to put in place about sex. Maybe just be flirty, but unavailable. Example is while you are kissing, you obviously enjoy it but you move his wandering hands back to your back. Or you let him know how much you would love to have sex right now, by responding to his advance but "gee is that the time, I said I would go and do XYZ, and get up and go, and tell him that you will see him later". Gives him room to pursue you more, and means you dont come across as weird, kill-joy controlling wife. Be fun but in control of sex. And gosh only do it if you want to do it! You could be using him as a sex toy, planing to discard him the moment he shows that he wants some sort of commitment from you!!
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
On Monday, H helped me release a raccoon in a "safe" trap (doesn't kill the animal just traps it) at my parents (my parents are in Florida and forgot to close the traP). After snooping, I found out he hung out w/ OW when he told me he was going to hang out with a guy friend...Here is our IM about it...
Me: Did you have fun on Monday night? H: the most fun i had on monday was saving that raccoon Me: awh H: that's not a bad thing. just saying Me: so, not much fun otherwise? Me: not really, but that's fine. my life doesn't need to be consistently exciting.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I'm steaming right now. Just steaming and sick and tired.
Snooping exchange (I say I'll stop but I won't so, lets just go with that). H talking to a friend of his (a friend of his and OW).
Husband: i have some weird stuff going on, but i'm pretty good. Girl: like what? hows your love life? H: oh, just personal crap. ugh G: oh no....divorce stuff? something Im familiar with if you want to chat about it H: no, actually my relationship with Beth is great. She's really awesome G: ok GOOD!! H: i mean, we're getting divorced. but we're totally friends G: i understand. I do H : it could be such a trainwreck and it's totally not G: thank God its not! H: i know!
Why? Why do I even bother? I'm starting to think that I'm sickly obsessed with trying to save my marriage when H doesn't even love me and H couldn't effing care less. How can I not believe that H isn't using me as a crutch? Really? Do I need a husband like this? I wouldn't even accept this behavior from a friend!
So, yeah. I just feel like spitting in his face right now and turning and walking away forever. FOREVER!
Curiosity, where did you find this exchange? Snooping is going to drive you crazy you know.
Only you will know when it is time to cut bait. I'm SO not the one to give advice. I am FAR too dissilusioned with everything having to do with M that my advice is jaded. Just know that I'm here to listen and give hugs. Too bad Lisa is sound asleep. She always has the BEST advice.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I agree with mishka about the snooping- you know you need to stop that! The other thing I'd say is not to assume that because H has said this stuff to the friend that he really means it. As an example, yesterday I was talking to a frind of mine who isn't pro-DB. I'm a little ashamed to say this, but when we were talking it just seemed easier to let her think that I was moving towards divorce and not speaking to H, rather than to explain my true feelings. Does that make sense? Maybe I lack courage, but I just took the easy path rather than having to explain myself to someone I thought wouldn't approve......
So, you know what you need to do. Focus on you, stop snooping, breathe and detach. I think your H remains confused. He doesn't know what to say to friend as a result, so says the easiest thing. Decide what you want to do. and then let's make a plan to get it.
L. xx
PS. Mishka- thank you for the compliment. You're not so bad at the advice yourself
