Bad night last night. Cried to my dog. rearranged my furniture and it looks great, but sitting in the room alone is crushing. My anniversary is Monday, the 6th. Would have been 28 years. had been bragging about it all year. Went to pick up DR at borders and they are getting them in yesterday. Need to go back there tonite or tomorrow. I am concerned that some of the posters are saying that the DR is for couples still under the same roof or who are communicating, I am neither. I know the book is designed to help me, but I need to know how going dark helps me when my wife has OM and isn't communicating wioth me about anything most of the time.
As a side note i called my mother in law last night. she had talked to W earlier in the day. asked her how my D job was going, W didn't know. Asked about my S and how he was doing, W didn't know. they talked about TV and the weather. Mother in law got out of call and felt depressed the rest of the day. when I called her she was ready to call my W and tell her to get off the SH#$ and get back home and straighten things out. She told me that she didn't even know the person on the other end of the phone , it was like talking to a stranger. I told her she is. I talked her out of calling her telling her it would just push her away further and it wouldn't help anyone. She was glad I had acalled, because she had just taken her phone out to call her. Her and my W have always been close, but she says now when they talk, it is like being on egg shells, can't talk about me, doesn't know really whats going on with her kids, grandkids, nothing. She doesn't want to talk about OM, but has and W just makes general comments. I tried explaining everything to her in general terms, but mostly told her that eventually my W, her D, will see the transparency of the conversations and realize that she has nothing to talk about. My oldest D has said the same, her and my W have nothing other than talking about dance. My youngest D has commented time and time again that talking to W is awkward. Middle D is littel to no contact at all. Son is the same.
For any MLc WAWs or WAWS who have come back (mostly I look for your replies), is the fact that contact with others that she "loves" is dimishing to the point of conversations with strangers helping me or hurting me? She was always close to everyone and on top of every situation, but now she is on the outside looking in. Will she realize this? I have not instructed anyone else to minimize their contact with W, but it seems to be happening on its own. I really do love my wife with everything, heart and soul and have faith she will return. I believe she may be causing serious damage to some of her other realtionships. I know she is in a fantasy fog right now, doing everything for her, not anyone else. OM is definitely anchoring her from any forward movement towards R and even getting close to family. I ask this question again, is she staying away because she thinks she can't come back as opposed to doesn't want to come back? tough question I know. But does anyone who has walked away, wanted to go back but felt they couldn't? And when they finally went back, what convinced them they could. Really hurting. Amy and Sandi were right, its getting worse for me emotionally, with anniversary and staring at the holidays and now family saying that m wife is a stranger to them.
I once described being in my MLC as like being encased in a glass box where I could look out and see my family - where it appeared that I was a part of things - yet I couldn't feel it anymore; the warmth of my family... Especially regarding my husband, my relationship with my kids remained good but I had those pie in the sky justifying thoughts of "if I'm not happy the kids won't be happy so I might as well go off and do what makes me happy" - and that's such a selfish crock of sh*t I can not emphasize it enough!
Nevertheless it is a very true and very strong deception that MLCers fall under. They just do not preceive things as they are. It IS all about what they perceive themselves to be lacking , or to have lacked - it is also about unresolved childhood issues - pick a flavor - mine centered around my dsfunctional relationship with my mother. HOWEVER that does not excuse any of my actions because I knew right from wrong - I just know now how very, very damaging it is for a family to be broken and how very, very important it is to just do the right thing - stay - and seek counseling - anything...to save it...I don't know if anything would have worked - but I know today what did not.
You can't reason with a MLCer. They come around to face all that is the truth in due time. Or they do not. But only they can decide.
And while your wife might have once been a primarily mild-mannered woman - don't underestimate what fighting her way out of an MLC can do - mild-mannered folks don't have less of a shot of coming back than us hell raisers and I did not mean to imply that previously, if I did. I think I'd rather say that the fight just might not be as visible to YOU. Make no mistake though, if she grabs a clue, your wife can survive this and be an even better and stronger woman who loves life and appreciates it - and those that share it with her - more than she ever did before.
Once again i thank you for your support. I keep beating dead horses, I know. I am now trying to support everyone around me (family). I know my wife is in there, somewhere, wish i could see her. But I realize the only way for her to get back is to find HER way. the OM is drivning me insane becasue I think he is rationalizing her being away, this from a man who is cutting firewood for his wife and son everyday and who has had affairs on her 3x's in four years. His wife still loves him, she told me so. He is 31, my wife is 46. He ain't that great looking, and I'm told she needs galsses if she thinks he's all that, but I know its emotional, and I know its physical (the affair). I just wish I knew how to trigger her. I know that when she got on with OM, that's what gave her the strength to bolt. She did love me, does love me, and I know she was in love with me prior to this, and not years before, I'm talking a couple of weeks before. I know, I know, can't rationalize with them, not trying. But I am a man whose whole life was breaking his ass for his family, sacrificing his own happiness and joys for his family, mostly his wife. I am having a tough time because I can't seem to want to function without her. So far this is what I got:
Bomb 08/03/08 she tells her friends and her mother before I even know.
I quit drinking on that day. Still dry.
I take control of the finances for the house. bad shape, dig us out and put together a budget.
I take control of my house. I now run and coordinate everything, right down to the laundry.
I am now everything to everyone in the house.
Wearing my hair different, she always liked my hair long, so it is in the midle and longer. Not for her, But I like it.
More aware of my appearance. I am dressing better and more attractively.
I now wear cologne regularly.
I have rearranged furniture.
Have taken care of water damage in my house that has driven her nuts. I called the insurance company, got approval now getting quotes for the reapir.
Taking care of damaged couch. Drove her crazy and me because she never sent in paperwork. I have a 5 year plan for my furniture. they will be out Friday. They will repair or replace.
I have dismantled the pool. No one used it and it is ruining my septic system.
I have picked out my colors to paint my living room and dining room.
I continue to go to my camp and visit friends. I am invited to every party and attend as many as possilbe. I am back to being th epopular guy, and not because my wife bolted.
I have just signed up for country Line dancing lessons on Mondays. I know a couple and my best friend sings in a country band so we are always out at a donce. figure it can't hurt.
I am very lonely at night. I think about us constantly. I pray everynight, every morning and every day. I feel if I walk into church I would just break down and cry.
I have asked everyone to back off any cponversations unless I start them.
My daughters, my son, my friends and family (including hers) are very proud of me and my strength so far. Some is an act, some is real.
In my mind and my faith and my knowing her, I believe I am breaking down certain things. She no longer knows what to expect when she stops by the house. Because I am constantly doing something, like before. not for her, but for me and some because of her. She no longer knows what to expect when we speak. I am not pained when I talk to her, I smile and my conversations are short, not hnaging, not doting and not desperate. Mostly this is an act, but I am getting more real with it.
I am going dark mostly. She usually breaks the ice on that after a few days of no contact. Seeing her crushes me for days. so I avoid it. Her father is having a house warming party for his new house. they asked if I would attand with my W, I said no. It would be too painful for me. I love my father in law very much, as much as my own Dad. he is destroyed by all this. My W won't even talk to him about it, keeps avoiding him. they were very close. If I went, my kids would be around me, she would be on the ouside lookingin and I can't deal with that. Let her have some time without me there, although my kids indicated they wouldn't stay long because I am not there. Can't fill all my minutes enough to not think about it. If I try, it hurts worse because I know I'm lying to myself. I'm sure I'll meet plenty of people on Monday night. the place is close to my hous so I am confident I will no someone there or at least somebody who knows somebody i know. I don't know how your husbnad did it for so long or you without finding someone to take either place. I am not needy right now, and i am definitely not looking any further than my own backyard. But it pains to see her, to know she is with him, to hear her words that its over ringing every now and then. I hold onto my hope and faith as I told you. This is nothing I expected in my life. there is a song by Garth Brooks called " The Dance"
the chorus goes like this
"Our Lives are better left to chance I could've missed the pain, But I'd have had to miss the Dance..."
This song hurts everytime I play it. I always play it. I think most of my strength comes from my pain, does that sound right, even normal? I want to thank you Amy, for your words and hope to continue texting with you....God love you, and hope He watches over me...
Well dropped a mini bomb on her this morning. Looking at a new job and the medical/dental insurance is twice as much for a family plan (3 or more) than for just me and my daughter. Text her to look into getting her own insurance. Told her my rates are changing and I don't think she should be on mine. She called me back almost immediately, I didn't answer but she left a very nervous voicemail. Says that there should be no difference with BC/BS for a family of 1 or more (she's wrong) and that she can't get on full time at her work, but she is looking (lie) and as long as we're married I should keep her on. But I'll look and see. I waited 15 minutes and text her back with , it is nearly twice as much for the family plan as it would be for me and D. Married? She called back in a heartbeat, no message this time. I had talked to my lawyer who says I absolutely have this right to contact her about this. No mention of D or Sep has come up from her to anybody. Based on the tone of her voice in the message and emphasizing the "family " plan and as long as we're married I should be on" I think I struck a nerve. The thought of this kept me awake all night. Was I wrong to do this? I am thinking that I needed to do something with regard to relationship communication from me that doesn't really say D or S, but puts an underlying tone of her situation. Finacially she is in real bad shape, she seems to be letting things just fall around her. I am told she needs to hit rock bottom before she'll start to come around, is this true? Have any of the WAW's reading ths been through this and what was your reaction? Would a comment like this get you to at least think a little deeper about her situation versus being with her family? Get her thinking about what she had as opposed to now, what she's got or doesn't? Need to know if this was agood move. Can't wait to find out about the job, it will be a huge lift and great change for me....
I don't think mentioning the insurance was necessarily a bad thing. I tend to tell people that they NEED to put reality in a WASs face every chance they get but the key is it has to be done very carefully because if it appears you're just being an ass - and retaliatory - you're gonna piss her off and if she's MLC that could REALLY be a bad thing.
Your wife needs to understand the reality of the situation as much as is possible however she needs to discover it entirely on her own. MLCers have a real knack for blaming everyone (you) for their circumstances. Sometimes it's not til they're left standing alone - their family and finances in ruins - that they start to see the truth of what they've done.
That said, you don't want her to come back for economic reasons only.
Great I was hoping to hear from you. You seem to really have a grasp at my mindset and hers. Again, it was done because I am hoping to get this new job and a big part of it will be benefits. I doubt very much I will take her off, I'm not that way. But, as you said, she needs to have reality brought up to her. My subliminal point to her is, you keep tellling yourslef and anyone else that its over between us, no chance of going back, but who knows what the future will bring. As everyone has indicated, they doubt she is really in love with this OM, but the fact that he isn't making it on his own (lives with his mommy)and neither is she, these realities are there. She is letting her bank account get beat up. I stoppoed fixing it for her a month ago.
As for being a damaging thing while she is in MLC, that's the reason I didn't say I am taking you off my health ins, I simply said you need to look at it, financially its more of a burden for me. That's it. Let her read into and decide the meaning. I am not being an ass, revengeful, vindictive or anything else.
No I don't want her back due to financial. But it was one of the reasons she left, too many bills, bill collectors calling, no light at the end of the tunnel, and so on...Right now I am on track, financially and she is not, so where is the financial blame. She is unhappy and indicated that I made her unhappy, not all the time over the past 4 years and the house and the mess and everything. I think all that lead to her meltdown. and trust me, I saw it after the bomb and have cleaned up the mess to a large degree. I am not rolling in money, but everything is paid in a timely fashion, no threatening letters, no final notices, no phone calls other than her creditors. I have not given them her cell phone number, although many people have told me too.
Anyway, thank for your response. I am straddling this as I have been since the bomb dropped. This is my first positive "I'm moving forward" statement I have made to her. It makes me feel good that I am now not feeling like a victim, but in control of things I didn't think I was in control of before. Hope to hear from you later. Have a great day.
Well i think my mini bomb struck a nerve. She showed up at my house and hung around til 7:30, kept asking my daughter when I'd be home. She needed to pick out an outfit for her wedding tomorrow she is attending with OM. My Ds picked out something nice, and she went with what my daughter's described as "skanky". She is flat broke and wanted my daughters to ask me for money for her for gas. Yeah, right. give my still legally married wife money to be with another guy. Anyway, they refused. My kids are becoming frsutrated with her and even the youngest, which she has the most contact with, says her conversations are awkward, its like she has to talk to me, doesn't want but does. She calle dmy house at 11 last night to ask her brother for $10 for gas. My D told her he was sleeping. My W blew up saying I have been calling your brother and leaving messages for him to call me. I told him he owes me so much money from before and i need money now. She wonders why he won't call back. he tells me he cries when she leaves messages because they are never about how he is, how he is doing or how is son is. She never returns his messages. So he has given up calling her.
Her desperation to get gas money to get down to this wedding and be with OM is heart wrenching. she was always that way with me. She didn't text me for money to be transferred into her account which she had done in th epast. My mini bomb yesterday must have flattend her. When she saw the increase for health ins, she must've flipped. If she want to stay with me, I have left the impression that it will cost her $55 a week to stay on. As I stated earlier, i most likely won't take her off, just not that typ eof person. But, as Amy pointed out, I dnm't want her back strictly becasue fo economic reasons. Howver, I believe her loneliness is beginning, Reality is she has her frined she is living with, another girlfriend who is going through some seriousw family issues with her own D illness and the OM. He works 2nd shift so she may be feling less than accepted by her own kids right now. Also, her mother called her blasted her big time last night. My W told her to stop calling and telling her what to do and to leave her alone. Alone is what I think she is starting to feel.
Monday is my anniversary (29 years). Not sure, if any, what the emotional impact will be on her. I am stayong dark right now. No contact whatsoever. I really expected a text rfegarding money, but my guess is her irned lent it to her, or she wrote a bogus check that will bounce. she thinks I'm putting money in the account for gym fees (EFT) but I called and they are taking it directly out of my new accont. I think she spends more time with him due to her loneliness, at least thats what I hope because I know she isn't asking for or accepting money from him.
Just blogging today becasue I feel, angry, hurt and in pain. I want her to see my light aand start down that road. I think he's keeping her concvinced to stay with him because he has no friends. This was told to me by people he knows. He litterally has no one.
LD - Sounds to me like you are doing great given the tough circumstances. You are making positive changes for yourself and leading by example. I know you're in pain because I've been there and to a lesser degree am still there.
You sound like a very strong person. I think in time your W will see and appreciate that. She may become attracted to that strength and really need your strength to get back. Having said that you must carry on as if she won't be coming back as one of the keys to victory. She must figure this out for herself.
There are no perfect marriages or perfect people. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself and rest assured that your love and empathy for your W does not go unnoticed.
I am now divorced but I still love my W deeply and always will. I can't put my life on hold while she continues her journey as she may never come back. Still I keep some faith. There are two reasons for this. We had 30 years together. 30 action packed, challenging and wonderful years together. No matter where each of us goes, the history we had together was special and can not be duplicated. Secondly, despite the divorce there are signs that my W is struggling, that she loves me and that this is something she just HAS to do...on her own.
We will both grow from the experience and if it is meant to be then I suppose it will be. Regardless, I wish her happiness and peace whether with me or someone else.
I didn't date around while my W was gone even though others encouraged me to do so. I agree with you that two wrongs don't make a right. As a matter of fact I spent all day with a woman yesterday who is very nice. We spent the day discussing, marriage, divorce, childhoods, sex, relationships....you name it. Even though I'm divorced and I could see this relationship progressing, I won't let it. I'm not ready.
I still love my W way too much and it is obvious to everyone who knows me. Be true to your feelings and keep the faith. Don't be a fool or a doormat but there is nothing wrong with keeping the faith and affirming your love for your W. As a matter of fact there is everything right with it.
If it becomes time to really move on, you'll know it.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Thanks for your reply. I will take all the support I can get. sorry about your sitch. Well today is my 29th anniversary. Trying not to think about it is like trying not to breathe. Funny thing happened this weekend and I am hoping to get responses from any WAWs (Amy or Sandi). My wife attended a wedding Saturday with OM. Wedding ws 2-7. I know the couple getting married and I am sure there was a large afterparty. the W has spent weekends with OM, where I do not know because he lives with his mom. Anyway, I was at my camp and left to see my daughter off at her Homecoming Dance. I met all of her friends and their parents and my daughter was beaming. She was so proud. Anyway, I left there and went back to my camp (1 hour drive each way) to attend a dance I was invited to. My W had been told that I would be doing this by my daughter. So my W knew full well I would be at my camp and attending this dance. She showed up at my camp around 8:00. an hour after the wedding ended! She was a half hour away from camp in one direction and home in the other. She got a ride to the dance from some friends at the campground. My friend informed me they had driven her. I had been there for an hour having a great time. when I saw her, I grabbed my coat and proceeded to leave at the dismay of many friends. I went ack to my camp and hung out with some frineds. My W got a ride back with another firend and was feeling no pain. She decided to sleep on my couch in the camper. I went in about an hour later to make sure she was asleep. I sat on the edge of my bed struggling with what I should do. I thought about picking her up off the couch and putting her in the bed and tucking her in and I would sleep on the couch. I laid there thinking about this as an opportunity and decided to just leave things as they were. The next morning as she laid on the couch and i was walking out with my coffee, she said you didn't have to leave last night. To which I replied, no that's all right. She hung around most of the morning nto the early afternoon. Coming over to wherever it was i was at and hanging onto my conversations. She finally left and i closed up and left.
This is my dilema:
AmyC told m that when she would give me a sign, it would be obvious. She definitely stays with OM in on weekends and even during the week, but not at my camper. Why would she not stay with him Saturday, after a wedding, after having a couple of drinks and not going to the after party? Why would she go to the campground, knowing I was there and then attend a dance where she knew I was (she was told I was there and that I was at the camp for the weekend when she showed up)? Why did she tell people to tell me that there is no reason I shouldn't stay and that I should stay? why would she tell me the next morning that I didn't have to leave? What was the big debate over staying in my camp? (she drove around with this friend for about 30 minutes before she finally came back to my camper and decided tostay) Why was she hanging on my conversations? She also asked me for gas money which I didn't have. I had checked out her car and saw she had an 1/8th of a tank of gas. Barely enough to get her home. Also, clothes and items she has ben taking from the house and our camper to take to her "room" at her friends house are in her car backseat and trunk. She is still "living" out of her car after 9 weeks. It is very sad for me to see that. Did i miss an opportunity to shine in her eyes and emotions by not picking her up (yes physically) and putting her into the bed and making her more comfortable?
I want to call her and tell her I am thinking about her today and us. I know i shouldn't. I spoke with her mother last night and she is sending my W money for gas and whatnot. My W is financially screwed up. She cannot make ends meet. As AmyC indicated, I don't want her back for economic reasons. she complained to her mother that she should be getting half the money hr brother pays me for rent. I took him in to help make ends meet. I am getting 100 a week from him sometimes. 20 goes to my daughters school lunch every week, I pay her gym fees of 20 each month I just covered her car insurance of 180, and tomorrow night I am doing her rear brakes, parts are 40. She pays no bills to the house, no child care, no food , nothing. Her financial responsbilities are her car payment, car ins (I am paying, but not this month), and her credit cards (which I didn't even know about. she is in collections with all of them). I have my mortgage, all utilites, house insurance, car insurance, my credit card bills, reapir costs to house, camper loan, camper fees, camper utilities. Am I wrong for denying her any money? I barely make enough to put gasin my car and food on the table with everything else. I have had to budget and talk to all my creditors about getting on a payback budget so i don't get over run.
I pray that she showed at the camp because things with OM are failing or have failed? Or that she is realizing things, reality, aboutnot only her financial situation, but her relationships with her kids and me. She has only her two girlfriends and the OM in her immediate circle of friend. With my mini bombe about health insurance last week, my text to her regarding her as long as we ar married statement (I text her married?), not being there for my daughters homecoming dance get together and her sad financial situation is it possible that she may be "waking up"? The fact that she is still living out of her car, why didn't she bringing all these things into her new "room" where she lives? I am seriously confused....Looking for some one to see his and let me know if this is a sign or not. I am not sure anymore....
I'm not an expert in this by any stretch but I get the feeling that you are being used as a safety net right now. She sounds lost and confused as opposed to "waking up".
I would break contact and continue on until she initiates contact in a serious manner, i.e. she wants to own and be responsible for her actions and understands more fully the root causes for her discontent.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
