I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

OK,

So I have a few updates. I just am not sure what to think...

I got here, H opened the door. He wasn't that friendly, "how are you?" in sort of a distant voice. Then I walked into the bedroom, and we sat on the bed and he told me about some doctor's appointment. Then he stood up and hugged me and asked how I was, and of course it was immediately sex, again rough and not affectionate at all. I included some on the lips kisses though.

Then, he said he wasn't going to class tonight, which actually kind of annoys me as I thought I'd have some time to hang out and watch TV and stuff. I am going to take it as him wanting to spend time with me though. I also found out his friend is still staying here, which sort of makes me feel weird about coming back, but DOES mean that tonight I will definitely be in the master bedroom. Then he also has some book on handling midlife by his bed...then there are all these things underlined in the relationships section, ugh.

I am just annoyed in general that the house doesn't feel like mine now. The one positive is that last time I was here he had put away one of the pictures of just me, but now it's beside his side of the bed again.

He mentioned 2 French girls that he and his friend had over for dinner, that his friend knows. I managed to keep calm, but then left to walk the dogs. In general he is being friendly and jokey, but I still feel weird. I went to the store to buy some things, and he asked me to buy some stuff for him too. This was nice and normal. I had to call him about something from the store, and he was joking on the call. I got back and he keeps joking around about how I need to be quiet and such, though I am not talking at all. It is familiar and comfortable, but I know he is interviewing me in a way, so I feel a little strange. Now he is downstairs, and I am upstairs. It just feels like I am meant to be here, but I know he and I are likely seeing things differently.

There have been so many times that I have almost said something, but I am biting my tongue. I feel like I need to make it through today at least by showing him how nice it can be to just be around each other, and then if I still REALLY feel the urge to say something, there is always Thursday.

I am starting the makings of dinner now too, and have offered to weed the garden. I am not sure whether I am being a doormat or making him see me as valuable to the house. In general I am a bit confused, but am going to keep my PMA even if it's just for show at the moment...

ITH