For WAWs: Doormat Vs. Self Respect

[smartcookie]

Hi, I had an on-line EA...does that count for your question ? If so, here goes.....

1. I agree with your IC that you need to express your feelings. However, now may not be the best time. Is your W receptive to hearing your feelings ? If not, you'll feel invalidated, & rejected. That's not good. You can practice expressing your feelings out loud or in your mind just with yourself. Be aware of what you're feeling.

Prior to her having an EA (which is very hard to pin down anyway, are they really just close friends ? do they want it to move physical? does she plan to be with him after your D ? ).

Were you controlling, domineering or a doormat before ? Whatever you were before, do a 180 now. If you were domineering & demanding & would have slammed your hand on the table & INSISTED she end it, I wouldn't do that. My H was like that before, & if he even tried it after the bomb, I'd walk away from him. He just pissed me off by trying the same old [censored] that I'd been telling him didn't work for the past 17 years.

I'd work on myself, & let her work on herself. You can ask for certain boundaries, like not having OM at your house, her not getting physical with him, not telling him confidential relationship information, etc, etc. I don't think you can ask her not to speak to him at all. I think it's appropriate to ask her not to speak or text to him when you are around.

& to each of your requests she can respectfully say, "sure", "no", or "I'll think about it".

Let me know how it goes.