I guess it's over

[Esky94]

I know exactly what the purpose of him wanting to "not be married anymore" is: he doesn't want to be committed. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants.

I was listening to some material by Marshall Rosenberg on Non-violent Communication today and he was interviewing a teacher who hated giving grades, but had to because it was school district policy. She thought it wasn't really accurate and caused alot of problems with parents and kids. Instead of dwelling on why she did NOT want to do something, Marshall asked her why she DID do it (ie. give the grades). He asked her to fill in the blank.

I give grades because I want to ____________ (let her fill in the blank)

Her (honest) answer was "Because I want to keep my job!".

So instead of dwelling on what he doesn't want (marriage), ask the purpose of what he does want (singleness) and see where the string leads. It may be independence, serenity, a sense of masculinity, proving himself somehow. And then instead of asking "purpose" ask

"where in your past did you feel you didn't get this?". It might be in the marriage. It might be before. Who knows.

I'm NOT saying this is going to help and it might be a bit scary to think about. Personally, I don't think it's my job as a H to be a therapist for my W. It kills the sex drive. But you might find stuff that helps you move on emotionally by having clarity. He might get something nudged inside to get him to think about what he really, really wants. You both might need to discover it while apart, but hey, it's still a Win-Win of sorts. You're kinda listening, accepting, almost loving, but not needing to condone it and you just GAL and get on with your life.

You do need to have a strong emotional boundary up if you're going to do this. I wouldn't do it for more than a few minutes. Things might get really heavy in the conversation and so to close the talk off whenever...I would just straighten my lips, raise my eyebrows and go "hmmmm".

<snip>but I knew I had a lack and I was smart enough to work on myself instead of grasping to fill some hole I couldn't understand.

And that makes you a lucky man.

Yeah...the more I talk to people. The more I realize I am.

My H has always searched outside of himself to fill the void. A lot of his childhood memories with his mom involve her taking him shopping for "'. So he definitely had the idea that "stuff" would do it. I think he is outgrowing that, but still thinks that it's something outside of him that will fill it-be it music, younger women (which now he says 'isn't it'), drinking, partying, whatever.

I'll betcha he didn't get to do this when he was younger.

I have a DB phone session with Jody tomorrow. Probably not going to be of much value given the sitch.

Yep. I have Jody too. She's good value.


My two cents. YMMV.