I believe in Miracles

[istherehope]

Thanks!

BTW I was just able to change my ticket free of charge. Yay!

ITH

[Separated]

Hi ITH!!

Did you send the email already? Good so now you get to spend all Monday with H....I think you should bring up the change non-chalantly when you are with him. Kinda like "Oh you are not going to believe this but I have to be in X on X date!!" and from there ease your way into letting him know you want to stay at the house at that time. If he is in a good mood hopefully it will be well received!! I am wishing you great luck this week (It is this Mon you will be home, right?). Keep up posted and Keep positive!!! Remember PMA!!!

[istherehope]

Hi Sep,

Thanks! I haven't sent the email yet. I am going to wait until Wednesday evening so if anyone has any feedback in the meantime...

This way we will see what Monday is like before I make a bold gesture like this. For example if there were a big R talk I might not do this. I think if all goes as smoothly as I hope on Monday I will send it.

Yeah so Monday,i.e.tomorrow...I am coming up with some "as-ifs" for the day. I need to act as-if he is thrilled to have me there, as-if he is seeing what it would be like to live with me etc. So I am going to avoid R talk, let him initiate all conversation, and just generally keep myself busy but not like I'm nervous and hiding if that makes sense.

I will be back on the Thursday night again, and technically need to be back in Dublin on Monday night as well.

So the Secret...yesterday I was walking and literally thinking loud about "what do I do next?" I looked up and saw a Nike ad, so in English which is rare here, and it said "your move". I am not sure what this means still, maybe it's the email. I havn't had another flash of inspiration, but perhaps something will come tomorrow.

ITH

[istherehope]

So I broke my usual "no initiating contact rule" except for business/holiday/birthday today for the first time in a long time, and sent H a very short email. I have been feeling closer to him lately, so thought I'd test the waters a tiny bit before getting to Dublin tomorrow. It was completely innocent and short. I don't expect a response, but I do hope that it brought a smile to his face. I am trying to get myself into the position where I feel more comfortable about tomorrow too...

Subject line: hi silly billy (nickname we use and I still use in IMs so non-threatening)
Body:

Just saying hi. I hope you are having a really good day,

ITH

Hope that email was fine. It's in line with some of the contact he's been making lately, so I don't think it would do any harm, though it might well get ignored :).

I have a personal trainer session this evening, then I am going to try to spend the rest of the day getting myself to a really happy place so that I can arrive in Dublin tomorrow stress free. I had another anxious night, and I think that the issue has been that I am focusing overly much on the things that I don't want to happen, rather than the things that I hope WILL happen. I know we are not meant to have expectations, but I do think that it is still OK to focus on general positives.

So you all know how I am about goals, here are a few for tomorrow...

*Sex!!! :)--initiated by H, but I will encourage by dressing appropriately!
*Hug/kiss initiated by H (I will not initiate, will keep distance)
*H sleeping in the same bed (I will be in the master bed before he gets home, so it will be his choice)
*At least 1 hour of sitting in the same room comfortably whether talking or not
*Me making an amazing dinner (I love to cook) and leaving extra for H--and him complimenting the meal later
*Us to laugh together at least once
*Him to make eye contact with me
*Physical affection like him grabbing my nose etc. (little things he usually does)
*One affectionate/nice nickname use

So all I can do for most of these things is to hang back and take his lead. I think by being as pleasant and happy as possible, I stand the best chance of meeting these goals. The dinner is the one that I can control more. I am SO excited to cook with non-Polish ingredients...

ITH

[optimistwife]

Best of luck with your visit, ITH.

I think the e-mail sounds like a good idea, given his customs. Hopefully he sees it in a positive light. I sent my H one like that early on, only it was too early for it and he only said that he got it when I asked. Your timing seems much better.

Remember to visualize yourself relaxed, having a great time with your H, and make good things happen! I hope you get your entire list between your visits!

[Separated]

ITH - Seems like you have a very good agenda and goals lined up!!! I am crossing my fingers for you and sending positive vibes!! Good Luck Chippie and I hope you have a great time

I think it is a good idea too that you wait to see how Monday goes before sending the email.

Can't wait to hear the updates!!!

[daisy282]

Good looking goals ITH

Have a great day tomorrow!!!

Wishing you the best

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy, Sep, and Opt,

I admit that I am a bit nervous and anxious-trying to get over that!!! Sadly I look a little tired today, but at least I have a cute outfit :).

So there will be a few hours together this afternoon and then he goes to class, so about 5 hours in between. This is probably a good thing.

Thanks also for the feedback on the email. At this point I feel like I'm meant to send it and like the timing is perfect, but of course I will see how things go after today. if it seems unnecessary,then I'll skip it.

So yesterday, for those who know I've been using the Secret, I was at the store thinking about what I should be doing to make this visit as positive as possible. I saw a wine with a sticker on it that said "leap of faith". This shook me as it's the term I've used in all of my unsent letters to H. I want to tell him to take a leap of faith...anyway for me I think this means having faith that things will be positive without knowing exactly how. I do have these goals, but in terms of how exactly they'll be met, I guess I can't know...

Night before last I also had a very good dream when I asked for a sign, that we were doing a vow renewal. It was spur of the moment and we had no vows written, but were really happy.

OK I need to head to the airport soon. Will think positive and calm and serene...

I'll probably post more after H heads to class :). I'll follow up on all of your threads then too...

ITH

[JCJ]

Hope today goes well! That whole Secret thing is a bit weird. I shall have to experiment a bit more before deciding whether it is coincidence or not.

Jx

[istherehope]

OK,

So I have a few updates. I just am not sure what to think...

I got here, H opened the door. He wasn't that friendly, "how are you?" in sort of a distant voice. Then I walked into the bedroom, and we sat on the bed and he told me about some doctor's appointment. Then he stood up and hugged me and asked how I was, and of course it was immediately sex, again rough and not affectionate at all. I included some on the lips kisses though.

Then, he said he wasn't going to class tonight, which actually kind of annoys me as I thought I'd have some time to hang out and watch TV and stuff. I am going to take it as him wanting to spend time with me though. I also found out his friend is still staying here, which sort of makes me feel weird about coming back, but DOES mean that tonight I will definitely be in the master bedroom. Then he also has some book on handling midlife by his bed...then there are all these things underlined in the relationships section, ugh.

I am just annoyed in general that the house doesn't feel like mine now. The one positive is that last time I was here he had put away one of the pictures of just me, but now it's beside his side of the bed again.

He mentioned 2 French girls that he and his friend had over for dinner, that his friend knows. I managed to keep calm, but then left to walk the dogs. In general he is being friendly and jokey, but I still feel weird. I went to the store to buy some things, and he asked me to buy some stuff for him too. This was nice and normal. I had to call him about something from the store, and he was joking on the call. I got back and he keeps joking around about how I need to be quiet and such, though I am not talking at all. It is familiar and comfortable, but I know he is interviewing me in a way, so I feel a little strange. Now he is downstairs, and I am upstairs. It just feels like I am meant to be here, but I know he and I are likely seeing things differently.

There have been so many times that I have almost said something, but I am biting my tongue. I feel like I need to make it through today at least by showing him how nice it can be to just be around each other, and then if I still REALLY feel the urge to say something, there is always Thursday.

I am starting the makings of dinner now too, and have offered to weed the garden. I am not sure whether I am being a doormat or making him see me as valuable to the house. In general I am a bit confused, but am going to keep my PMA even if it's just for show at the moment...

ITH