After any little set back, and I would say that these setbacks occur when I am not acknowledging his pain, he gets all quiet and uninterested around me. This happened a couple of days ago.
So on Friday night we did not see him. On Saturday he came around home and dug a trench for new plumbing ( he does this with the thought that the house will be put on the market soon). He left a little after I got home. That night i sent a couple of texts - no response.
It seems he goes out of the way for me not to know what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Wants control of his life back he says. Is this normal or is he really closing us down?
On sunday he sailed all day but did invite himself around for tea. This is in order to see kids. He said very little to me , not interested in my day or anything. After dinner, I took myself off for a walk for an hour, so that he could be himself with kids. I came back home, he had cleaned the dishes. He stayed for coffee. Seemed happier and left.
I later sent him a text letting him know that I realised he has a lot of pain etc.
Today on the phone with plumbing things and cable TV ( I asked his opinion ) and he was very happy. Still no personal questions asked.
Where is he at ? Is he angry ? is he out of love? is he just enjoying the upper hand ? is he enjoying being the victim?
i know that I need to give him space, but i am so frightened of giving him so much space, that it is too hard to come back. Or that he will find another woman. My biggest fear right now.
I know i need to GAL and i am slowly, but I hate doing things on my own. He does these sailing lessons which should of been for both of us. He said that if we ever get back together , he could teach me.
It would of been a first good couples thing we had done together, with thoughts of our retirement EVER. I very sad loss for me.
It seems he goes out of the way for me not to know what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Wants control of his life back he says. Is this normal or is he really closing us down?
Seems totally normal to me. He wants to live his own life. Let him go. Let him do it. Give him his freedom. Adopt the position that you have no control over him, no right to his loyalty now. Let it be.
Quote:
On sunday he sailed all day but did invite himself around for tea. This is in order to see kids. He said very little to me , not interested in my day or anything. After dinner, I took myself off for a walk for an hour, so that he could be himself with kids. I came back home, he had cleaned the dishes. He stayed for coffee. Seemed happier and left.
This is very good of you. This is the right thing. Give him room. Let him enjoy the kids. Give him space.
Quote:
later sent him a text letting him know that I realised he has a lot of pain etc.
ACK! This is very bad . This is called pursuing and pressuring and initiating relationship talk. Repeat after me: if he initiates, it's ok. If you initiate, it's not ok. Get it? Stop texting him. Leave him alone.
Quote:
Today on the phone with plumbing things and cable TV ( I asked his opinion ) and he was very happy. Still no personal questions asked.
Fine. If it was pleasant, then it was a victory. 1000 small victories in battle will win the war.
Quote:
Where is he at ? Is he angry ? is he out of love? is he just enjoying the upper hand ? is he enjoying being the victim?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Stop!! I know you miss him, but leave him alone! Get out of his head, d4mnit! Let him be. Just give him some peace.
Quote:
I hate doing things on my own.
This is a growth opportunity for you then, isn't it?
Quote:
(about the sailing lessons) ... a very sad loss for me.
Ok, I want you to try something for me. Imagine this. Imagine you are single. Imagine you have a life, an independent life. And you just met this guy, who seems like a real catch, and you want to get to know him better. what do you do?
You dress hot.
You start working out, or if you already work out, you work out a little harder.
You smile every time you see him.
You do stuff that makes you feel sexy and strong.
You do stuff that is delightful TO YOU, because you are terrific and you deserve great things. if you like to cook, you take a cooking class. or you go on stage during improv night. or you write a poem. or you make a cabinet with your own hands, or you make a sculpture. You do something creative and fascinating, something that just turns you on spiritually. something you love.
and then when that guy gets to know you better he will say, I'm impressed! You made that sculpture with your own hands? or he will say wow, you wrote that song yourself? and so on.
and then he will be smitten.
No man wants a needy, sniveling, mopey woman. Your man wants someone who rocks, someone who loves lavishly, someone who exudes sex appeal whether she is 18 or 88, someone who is confident and optimistic and powerful yet gentle. Someone who is wise and funny, someone a little mysterious, someone who is surprising and a little dangerous. What are you doing to be surprising and sexy and wise and mysterious?
If you are sitting at home looking wistfully at the telephone hoping he will call, I can guarantee he will not. But if you are out at night and doing what moves your spirit, I can guarantee he will be intrigued and will want to know you better.
Change your attitude so that you recognize that You have no claim on him now. You must win him.
Did you have your wife here ? Is that why we stray ? Pressure to much !
Oh yes, I loved her endlessly, deeply. She was perfect in my eyes. She did say this - she didn't like the pedestal, she felt it was pressure. I couldn't understand. I didn't think she was perfect but I thought loving her was perfect. I thought she deserved everythig I had. Oh yes, I was dedicated to her. very much. completely.
---- what do you do to make amends? Hmm, I don't know exactly. But here is a suggestion - find someone who has strayed and find out what they did to make it work out. Talk to other people and find out how they made amends. There's a bunch of books out about forgiveness - read them and find out what it takes.
My brother-in-law strayed and returned. Today he is the consummate family man. It is as if he had been re-born. If you met him you would instantly see he is conscious of the joy all around him - he loves his family and is so glad to have gotten a second chance. Maybe you could find someone like that. . .
She was perfect in my eyes. She did say this - she didn't like the pedestal, she felt it was pressure. I couldn't understand. I didn't think she was perfect...
what I wrote seems confusing. If I could say it again, i would say, "she was beautiful in my eyes, and nearly perfect."
I mean I saw she was human, and had flaws, but I loved her and was happy with her as she was.
I agree with SPM. You need to do all that stuff to make yourself look hot and push your chest out a bit and be proud.
Quote:
No man wants a needy, sniveling, mopey woman. Your man wants someone who rocks, someone who loves lavishly, someone who exudes sex appeal whether she is 18 or 88, someone who is confident and optimistic and powerful yet gentle. Someone who is wise and funny, someone a little mysterious, someone who is surprising and a little dangerous. What are you doing to be surprising and sexy and wise and mysterious?
Since my separation, I've been learning a lot from the dating and self-improvement scene. In addition to the sites for guys about how to talk to women, dress nice and have integrity, I have bumped into a few sites for women on how to find the inner goddess/hot chick inside. It might be a lot of fun. If you want some resources, PM me. You might need to turn on your PM in your preferences because I noticed I can't PM you. Your choice.
Quote:
later sent him a text letting him know that I realised he has a lot of pain etc.
Yes, I agree. Don't tell him how you feel even if it's like an apology. Guys like to "fix" things, except when they don't want to be married, and that will be misconstrued as "pushing". It also makes you seem weak. I know I have a urge to try and fix things by apologizing. It's deep in my childhood programming, but in my sitch, and possibly yours, it's NOT GOING TO HELP! So I don't. I've done all my apologizing.
And I finally remembered the thing I wanted to tell you!!
One thing I did do was realize that I was carrying the burden of what I had done in my heart and in my shoulders all the time. I was very droopy and downcast. And it was not helping me with GAL. I decided to write down everything I had done to my W on a small sheet of paper, and put it in my wallet right beside her picture. So it's with me, and I have it and carry it. I just don't carry it inside me where it will just cause more and more guilt and pain.
H42 W36 M9 yrs D8 D5 d-day: 21/11/07 S and moved out: 22/2/08 Still S: 22/11/10
Gosh, I asked the same questions about sex with someone else I attract. [edit: it's not really what you asked, but here's my view before I understood the question. ha ha!]
I asked three people I trust on that one.
The first said...there are no rules. It's either just a step towards getting back together or a step away. And there are many steps. That was from a wise married male friend who's in a very strong relationship (never divorced)
The second was...it's all about energies and where you want to direct them. Sexual energy is one kind and if you mix your energies with someone else, something might happen that you don't want to happen. That was from another male friend of mine, divorced, remarried and in a very strong relationship.
The third was from the guy who towed my car yesterday. His wife dumped him with a secret boyfriend, cleaned him out of every cent he had. He know's I'm on a path back to mine, but even he said, "I wouldn't sleep with anyone. If you do get back together, it will always be in the back of your mind".
My question to myself is "Why do I really want sex? Do I need it that badly, or am I doing it because I'm angry and out of revenge? And would I want to keep that secret for the rest of my life?"
My two cents.
Esky
Last edited by Esky94; 10/06/0803:41 AM.
H42 W36 M9 yrs D8 D5 d-day: 21/11/07 S and moved out: 22/2/08 Still S: 22/11/10
Oh yes, I loved her endlessly, deeply. She was perfect in my eyes. She did say this - she didn't like the pedestal, she felt it was pressure. I couldn't understand. I didn't think she was perfect but I thought loving her was perfect. I thought she deserved everythig I had. Oh yes, I was dedicated to her. very much. completely.
This is why I felt I could cheat. And while H was reeling and fighting for his marriage , I could of continued cheating. It was not until he made a stand and said I dont love you for what you have done , that I came to my senses.
