It is emphatically NOT YOUR FAULT that he had an affair! That is HIS choice, and it was WRONG. Hell, if it was some one-night-stand, it'd STILL be wrong, but he's knowingly and selfishly made this decision FOUR SEPARATE TIMES.
Yes, you are BOTH responsible for the state of your marriage. But that gave him NO right to commit adultery, and you need to tell yourself that.
You have to stop beating yourself up. As Puppy said, both have your share of the responsibility for what has happened in your M EXCEPT FOR THE AFFAIR. This is ALL him!
It is a weakness in him that caused the A. If he had been a better H, he would have come to you first. It has NOTHING to do with you being a better wife.
Please try to understand that.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
On the one hand, I wish I had known/done more to help my W in the ways she really needed it (intimacy/romance/love languages); on the other hand she bears responsiblity in the way she could not/would not clarify her needs or communicate them effectively.
From my point of view, she didn't try to understand mine either. I don't think she has ever asked me what I needed in the R, or what she could do.
I think this has to be an ongoing conversation in a growing couple, because our understanding of what we need/would like grows over time.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Well I didnt have to wait until tomorrow when hubby comes home to find out what his "soul searching" decision is....
My mother in law called me today and said... Sandy..I love my son and have to accept what he says..honey ..move on..he is done.
It hurts like crazy that he did not have the courage to tell me. There is no way it took this trip to decide that..he had to know all along...
I am hurt and devistated but what can I do... I need to accept that he no longer wishes to be married to me.
So my goals are to move on... and have no contact at all... only by email or text about the kids..i figure i will only have to let him know my schedule.
I cant talk to him and heal...it hurt too much...
It sucks..I had just purchased us both a copy of "the love dare". I was hoping we could both read it... i got thru the first two days, but I think it will be counterproductive for me to try that and try to heal...
so as hard as it is to say... I am giving up.... I cry as I type that..because my heart does not want to quit. But I dont have a choice... he doesnt love me..he doesnt love me..he doesnt love me...
If I say it enough...hopefully it will click... I hurt so bad... Thanks for all the advice..sorry I sucked at DBing..I know I am just too emotional to succeed at it.
I will check back.. I am addicted to you all But for now... no more DBing for me...
But I dont have a choice... he doesnt love me..he doesnt love me..he doesnt love me...
If I say it enough...hopefully it will click... I hurt so bad... Thanks for all the advice..sorry I sucked at DBing..I know I am just too emotional to succeed at it.
I will check back.. I am addicted to you all But for now... no more DBing for me...
Love, Sandy
Sandy repeat after me: He doesn't deserve me, he doesn't deserve me, he doesn't deserve me! I agree with Puppy about that--he's a very smart puppy!
I think the best DBing is when you do it for yourself actually. With maybe no thought or almost any thought about DBing for your H. In fact I've noticed most of the success stories here are when people drop the rope or decide to move on. That seems to jolt some of the WAS into reality or something.
I do hope you keep posting if it's helpful for you! And I hope you will consider DBing and GALing for you!!! Karen
The funny thing is ..he really doesnt deserve me.... And..he will never find another woman that will do EVERYTHING like I did.
Yes.. it was my fault..I created it. We were kids when we married, but I cooked, cleaned, bills, laundry..you name it I did it.
He did do some stuff... but..not consistantly... thats part of why I could never relax and give enough time for him.... I was too stressed out..yes that is more my nature..but it would be great to have a 50/50 relationship.
I might post...depending if I have any thing worthwhile to talk about...lol...
But I really am an all or nothing person.
If I were to keep DBing ..it would be for my marriage and I need to accept that he doesnt want me.
