I guess it's over

[Esky94]

Hi Trixi,

Quick hello and I'm going to take the chance of typing stream of consciousness because I don't have time to edit, but I do want to say hello.

13-14 years ago, I was in a R where I was a yo-yo. The BF would want me, not want me; primarily influenced by his church. That BF married someone (that the church peers 'approved of') and shortly after that (within a few months) he came back to me and said "I am getting the marriage annulled. I made a terrible mistake. I want to marry you."

Grrr. I can't stand how people can't seem to make decisions for themselves and rely on "authoritative bodies" that influence them not for their own happiness. I don't think he was ready at the time to stand up for what he wanted.

I was thinking about your earlier post about a chat with your H and God. With my W, I once brought up God and forgiveness and I couldn't believe the anger she threw at me. I was indignant afterwards. I thought how could she, as a Christian, not want to forgive that for the sake of the kids, etc.

I then remembered she once commented that the Bible is actually really bad at helping people work through deep emotional pain. It does a bit, but there are many better approaches. So I don't bring that angle up any more, even though I think it, but in the end, her timing is going to be her timing.

You really should get a session or two with a DB coach. I've had two already and having my next one tomorrow.

The approach my coach takes with my sitch is, as per the book, DR,

a) stop the negative emotion - stop any "Pushing", ie. chat about R, or reasons why this all happened, or the kids, or being close. People don't decide to come back if every interaction is hurtful or painful. It just doesn't make sense.

b) Figure out the 180s - stop chasing down cheeseless tunnels and figure out the things that bothered my W and stop doing them. The thing she said was "People don't leave people because they hate them. People leave them because they don't like the role they've been placed into"

c)Get a life - I'm sure people have said this, but spending too much time on this board is dangerous for me. I could easily get sucked into a pity party or full of rage. I know being full of pity or angry all the time is not attractive to women and in general. And I know as a guy, it's not sexy if I saw that in someone else. So rediscover what you love and do it and let that light fill you up and shine out.

So where am I going with this? Bringing up God, in hindsight, falls into category a). I know you care about H. But in a way, trying to fix him with God sends him another message "I don't accept you" and no one wants to be with someone if they don't feel accepted. The next thing I'm thinking of will sound contradictory, but the wise thing I heard from someone about bringing God in is that I have no idea what God is doing in other people's lives. You don't know what God is doing in H's life. And it's none of your business. So don't push him and God. Maybe think about God/Light/The Infinite/The Great Spirit in your own life, whatever you believe.

Geez I'm rambling. Your sitch is not my sitch. I kinda understand what your H is experiencing, but I knew I had a lack and I was smart enough to work on myself instead of grasping to fill some hole I couldn't understand.

If you want to turn a dreaded chat on divorce into something that yields some information, use the "bucketing" technique. If he wants to do something like divorce, just calmly ask "And what's the purpose of that?". Gently work your way back in time and examine the motivations to see if you can loosen a nugget of dissatisfaction or pain that he needs to work on. It could be parents, school, bad dating experience. He may get mad, but then you say, "And I would invite you too find some way of understanding and resolving this". The key word is invite because it's non-pushing.

And then don't put any expectations on him whether he should or shouldn't. You just tell him nothing and then go off and work on GAL.

Okay, that's my two cents. YMMV.

Esky