I have settled back into my "normal" routine. My students made it easy to go back to work. My parents and surviving brother are coping. Thanks to all of you for your good thoughts.
Slowly, I don't think it affects me like it used to. I am sad sometimes, and I miss him a lot, but I am able to stay on a more evn keel than in the past. I think I recognize that a lot of what he says is fantasy and stems from a temporary mental illness, and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of saying or doign the wrong thing so much anymore, as you will see below.
UPDATE: H was here when I got home on the 25th, which I didn't expect. We spent some time together that night. The next day I found out that he'd overdrawn the checking account again. ARGH! I called and left a VM telling him the sitiuation and not to spend any money.
I thought a lot about HeartsBlessing's steps of MLC and about the need to guide the MLC spouse "gently but firmly" towards reality in the latter stages. I decided after talking with Virago that I needed to present him with a budget even though he will HATE it and to gently prod him about being depressed the next time we talked.
BTW, she still says we're getting back together and having a baby, but he needs to get a grip. Duh. She also sayd he's not taking any other job
Anyway. He came over again on Saturday. He immediately apoplogized for the money situation, took all responsibility, and was very affirming of me--this is a different pattern than ever before. He also gave me most of the cash in his pockets for naything I needed. I told him that I am working up a budget so we can see where our money goes and how much we have left to "play" with after the bills are paid. I knew he didn't want to hear this, and I said so, but he accepted it pretty well.
Goal 1 accomplished.
Then I discovered in the course of converation that he's been using Oxycotin again. He got a Rx from his doc for his shoulder (he's convinced his rotator cuff is torn but hasn't taken steps to see a PT about it), and he said he takes a month's worth of pills in about a week. FANTASTIC. I asked if he thinks he's depressed. He asked I thought he was, and I said yes. He asked why, and I said that he hasn't seemed happy in a few years; that he is a vibrant, vital, creative person and I haven't seen that shine through in a long time; and that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. I asked if he'd consider going to his doc for AD meds, and he said, "Those are for freaks." Like abusing prescription drugs is normal. I pointed out that taking a month's worth of meds in a week is unhealthy, and his response was, "Well, more like 10 days." I said, "Yeah, that's still not good." He couldn't deny it and didn't try to.
I felt like I planted a seed in this part of the convo, and htat's the most I could hope for on this issue.
Before he left, I asked him to please consider what I'd said about ADs and reiterated that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. He said, "love you," and "I don't either," to those last comments.
Goal 2 accomplished.
We've seen each other twice since then, once on Tuesday and today. Both times have been very nice. He also sent me a picture via email at work of Paul Newman and Robert Redford from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"--they are two of our favorite actors, and we were both sad to hear of Pual Newman's death. Anyway, this email was totally unexpected--he hasn't sent me anything on his own since the A started in winter of 2004/2005.
So I got some stuff out there that I needed to say, and he accepted it. I saw some baby steps this week. Any advice out there on how to proceed from here?
In other news, the mason started rebulding our chimney the day I got home, so no more leaky roof this winter, I hope!
OK, that's it. Sorry this is a little disjointed. Let me know what you all think. Be well!
I pointed out that taking a month's worth of meds in a week is unhealthy, and his response was, "Well, more like 10 days."
