I guess it's over

[NikB]

There is really no new news; just him admitting that he won't reconcile with me.

THIS is why I wasn't surprised at all that he tried to sleep with you. Nothing's new.. honestly, I bet the convo didn't even feel "bomb-like" to him as much as it hurt you.

I bet he was pretty surprised when "Huh? She doesn't want to sleep with me? Why? I've been nice tonight and I told her I might come over sometime this weekend.. that's not enough? Huh, Weird."

Is it really a good idea to tell him it's "too painful" to talk to him? Seems like then he will still be assuming I am waiting in the wings.

Well.. say it in your own words, and don't make it sound like you're hanging around waiting. Just make it sound like YOU and most importantly ABOUT you. "You hurt me when you talk to me" is very different from "I hurt when I talk to you." If it were me saying that, it would be the truth. It's too painful to be just your friend - it ain't happenin'. Up to you how much of the "emotion" piece of it you want to share.

Ack sorry for the tough times in the mortgage industry, I can only imagine. I'm in financial services so I feel your pain but I think yours is even worse! I hope something comes through soon. If you can at least afford the gas and a cheap hostel I'd still go on the road trip.

(((Trixi)))

[Trixi]

I bet he was pretty surprised when "Huh? She doesn't want to sleep with me? Why? I've been nice tonight and I told her I might come over sometime this weekend.. that's not enough? Huh, Weird."

Just for the sake of clarification-- I didn't ask him about the weeked after he dropped the bomb. I asked about the weekend; got pissed because he was going to a party (and I remembered how the non-date was asking to to go to parties WITH him). That was what opened up the can of worms.

I am sure he doesn't think he is coming over on Sunday....

But I totally see your point where from his perspective, it is just more of the same for him; to a degree. I don't think that we're exclusively dating anymore; and he has said that I need to do what I need to do, so I guess he's setting me free.

Actually, it probably was a little bomb like for him. He's the one that has been "tormented" and didn't know what to do.

UGH!
and so now he gets to waltz off, foot loose and fancy free. 13.5 years down the crapper.

I am vascilating between despair and denial.
I go thru waves of "OMG. I'm never going to get to be with him again. I'm alone. There's no one out there that will compare. I miss him" to "That's fine. He'll be back. He always is. He needs to work whatever out."

One of my listings just decided to turn into a rental. Another one has no illusions- they know they probably won't sell right now. I do have 2 listings that are agressively priced, so I am hopeful...Please, dear God, let them sell ASAP.

[Trixi]

Men helping men. I know the "void" for me was not having a father around to model strong male maturity for me.

He is still in the mode of whatever the problem is, it must be OUTSIDE of him.
He is talking about selling the house; moving somewhere (or not- he just wants to know he can if he wants); switching jobs...He is still just grasp grasp grasp.

I said something about God and he sorta scoffed. Way back when, he used to be on worship team, and now he just turns his back on God. Or at the most, keeps God at arms length.

If you've resigned yourself to accepting that he's gotta go off and do his own thing

Do I have a choice besides resigning myself?

Yes, his remarks still have an effect on me. I still love him. I still see a lot of 'potential' for us. I need a full-on awakening.

[NikB]

Ah thanks for clarifying - that makes sense. It sounds to me like you fell into that same trap of expecting him to act like your H.. when he wanted to act like, at best, a guy you were interested in dating. You wouldn't get mad at a guy you were interested in for going to a party on a Friday night.

But in any case.. that's not really relevant at this point.

I don't think that we're exclusively dating anymore;

OMG Trixi... tell me you're not serious. Stand up and take SOME kind of control of your life. After all of that, you're still giving him complete control of whatever your "status" might be???

Please, please tell me this was something you were thinking BEFORE the conversation on Sunday but not NOW. (as in "I don't think that we WERE exclusively dating anymore..")

OK.. done with the 2x4, sorry if it was too much... I was just totally shocked to read that.

13.5 years down the crapper.

Aww Trixi.. I know this feeling but when you think about it, not really.. not totally. You had some wonderful times in there too, didn't you? You even got to go on your dream trip to Costa Rica. You'll always have those great memories and the things that helped make you who you are.

I am vascilating between despair and denial.

I'm sorry - I really am because I know how much this hurts.

What are you going to do to pull yourself out of it? What things can you do, just for you, to take care of and comfort yourself? I'm serious.. think of some ideas.

I go thru waves of "OMG. I'm never going to get to be with him again. I'm alone. There's no one out there that will compare. I miss him" to "That's fine. He'll be back. He always is. He needs to work whatever out."

Let's try to add one more "wave" in there... "I'm going to become strong and happy all on my own, build a wonderful future and fulfill my dreams... who knows, maybe some lucky guy will get to share that with me."

Don't make your only "happy" or "I'll be OK" future be dependent on him coming back.

[Trixi]

OMG Trixi... tell me you're not serious. Stand up and take SOME kind of control of your life. After all of that, you're still giving him complete control of whatever your "status" might be???

Per him- since we have been seeing eachother, he has not seen anyone else. He did take his match profile down when I asked him to. Having said that- he has given me as much "commitment" as he can and he no longer wants to be married.
I guess I sort of felt like it was up to him to pull the plug because it is NOT what *I* want. And I was feeling like he was backing me into a corner to force ME to do it, so he could say "Well, *she* left *me*".
Regarding the party issue being the straw that broke the camels back--it was the contrast of always feeling shut *out* of H's life (*never* invited to social events with H) and then the non-date guy inviting me to a dinner party he was throwing with 6 other people, bowling with 2 other people, a house party with countless other people...IOW, he wouldn't be ashamed (or whatever my H is) to be seen with me. It was THAT realization that made me pissed. But, indeed, currently it is not relevant.

What are you going to do to pull yourself out of it? What things can you do, just for you, to take care of and comfort yourself? I'm serious.. think of some ideas.

In the immediate future (today) I will be making some calls to try to drum up business. Might go out tonight--maybe not. Still pretty weepy. Tomorrow night is a cooking meetup--I'll be going to that.

I know this feeling but when you think about it, not really.. not totally. You had some wonderful times in there too, didn't you? You even got to go on your dream trip to Costa Rica.

This is true. But for right now, it makes me even sadder. Still just so confused about how things switched so dramatically afterwards. The difference shocks me, I suppose. And I look at that and say "See! I know it can be good."

Let's try to add one more "wave" in there... "I'm going to become strong and happy all on my own, build a wonderful future and fulfill my dreams... who knows, maybe some lucky guy will get to share that with me."

Don't make your only "happy" or "I'll be OK" future be dependent on him coming back.

Yes, good point. Very good point.
And probably, by now, there is so much bad blood between my family and his family...I don't know how we would get everyone to get along. Not that it matters.
I remember only 6 months ago we were talking about how it would be to get back together and the issues with family and friends and furniture--he was very positive and said that none of those things mattered. That if we reconciled, those things were not a problem.
Damn a lot changes in half a year.

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

It sure does (change a lot)... just keep that in mind that a lot will change in the NEXT half a year, too. Hope you're feeling a little bit better.

Glad you're going to the cooking meetup! Anything else that can help take your mind off things a bit?? Especially Sunday since it was a "maybe H" day?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Trixi.... I still see alot of positives in what he said! I would have loved alot of those comments from my ex, although I also hear the bad stuff you posted.

I'm wondering, have you ever had a DB session as I reckon it could really help you make sense of what he is saying (as it really wasnt 'clear' by any stretch??)

Al x

[Changed Woman]

Hey, Girl...just checking in to see how you are.

[Trixi]

Hey CW-
Not quite sure how I am.
Changes from moment to moment.

13-14 years ago, I was in a R where I was a yo-yo. The BF would want me, not want me; primarily influenced by his church. That BF married someone (that the church peers 'approved of') and shortly after that (within a few months) he came back to me and said "I am getting the marriage annulled. I made a terrible mistake. I want to marry you." By then I was involved with my (now) H. So, I told the guy I was into who I was seeing and thought it had potential to go somewhere.

He ended up moving across the country. Thru the years he would call on occassion to see how things were going. Once things started to really go south, he would stay in touch more often.

Now that my H has said he doesn't want to be married, the xbf is actually speaking his mind about the 'indignanties' of the sitch; that I need to stand up for myself once and for all and take control. And that if I am interested, once I am legally divorced he wants to see me.

My H must have broken (meaning "changed" or broken a tie) something in me; all of a sudden guys are paying more attention to me. I can actually see that maybe someday (soon), I will be really TICKED at what he did to me. I am not totally detached from him and I wish that things were different, but he has been playing this game for so long, I don't know why I think it will turn out any different.

Re the xbf, it is flattering that he has such a high interest; but it has made me realize that if I am thrust into being single again, I want some time to heal; not be tied down. I want a man that is "into me" and doesn't let either outside (or inside) influences make him ambivalent.
I know the xbf feels like he paid in spades for what he did. He left the area with a broken heart; watched me from a distance and figured he would never have the chance to be with me again. He thinks that 13 years on his own has matured him and really crystalized what he wants. He said more than that, but that's the general gist of things.

I haven't had any contact with my H since Wed. Tomorrow, my step son flies in to live with H, so he'll probably be pretty busy dealing with getting him settled in. Not that I would expect him to be in contact; I am dreading the next time we talk because it will probably be about how to end the marriage. There is a small part of me that considers filing myself JUST so I can have SOME control over my own destiny; and maybe shock the he11 out of my H and get him to wake up. Yeah, yeah. dumb.

Anyway, I babbled. sorry. But thanks for asking

[Changed Woman]

Hey, Trix-

It sounds like you really have your head on straight and I know you'll get through this. In regard to being the one to file for divorce...I would hate to encourage you in the wrong direction and then have it bite you in the a$$, but I do think you should file. For two reasons, one is that legally there is benefit to being the respondent, and secondly H has made it clear he ins't in to being married right now and he seems to have been enjoying "being in the driver's seat"...how about you do shock the crap out of him by putting yourself in the driver's seat. He can run along beside the car

I agree with you on the xbf thing...who knows what will happen but you need some time to be happy with Trixi and not have to worry about the wants and needs of someone else. Curious though...do you still have feelings for xbf?