I guess it's over

[Trixi]

Hey CW-
Not quite sure how I am.
Changes from moment to moment.

13-14 years ago, I was in a R where I was a yo-yo. The BF would want me, not want me; primarily influenced by his church. That BF married someone (that the church peers 'approved of') and shortly after that (within a few months) he came back to me and said "I am getting the marriage annulled. I made a terrible mistake. I want to marry you." By then I was involved with my (now) H. So, I told the guy I was into who I was seeing and thought it had potential to go somewhere.

He ended up moving across the country. Thru the years he would call on occassion to see how things were going. Once things started to really go south, he would stay in touch more often.

Now that my H has said he doesn't want to be married, the xbf is actually speaking his mind about the 'indignanties' of the sitch; that I need to stand up for myself once and for all and take control. And that if I am interested, once I am legally divorced he wants to see me.

My H must have broken (meaning "changed" or broken a tie) something in me; all of a sudden guys are paying more attention to me. I can actually see that maybe someday (soon), I will be really TICKED at what he did to me. I am not totally detached from him and I wish that things were different, but he has been playing this game for so long, I don't know why I think it will turn out any different.

Re the xbf, it is flattering that he has such a high interest; but it has made me realize that if I am thrust into being single again, I want some time to heal; not be tied down. I want a man that is "into me" and doesn't let either outside (or inside) influences make him ambivalent.
I know the xbf feels like he paid in spades for what he did. He left the area with a broken heart; watched me from a distance and figured he would never have the chance to be with me again. He thinks that 13 years on his own has matured him and really crystalized what he wants. He said more than that, but that's the general gist of things.

I haven't had any contact with my H since Wed. Tomorrow, my step son flies in to live with H, so he'll probably be pretty busy dealing with getting him settled in. Not that I would expect him to be in contact; I am dreading the next time we talk because it will probably be about how to end the marriage. There is a small part of me that considers filing myself JUST so I can have SOME control over my own destiny; and maybe shock the he11 out of my H and get him to wake up. Yeah, yeah. dumb.

Anyway, I babbled. sorry. But thanks for asking