trying to be patient and strong 5

[karen43]

Thanks, y'all. Although I don't know how breaking boards is attractive??? Oh, something funny I think is I was talking to my instructor's wife today, and I was kind of asking why most of the moms don't do TKD, and she said when her H and D and S all started attending TKD they actually did a newspaper article about that (we live in a small town alright!) and when asked why the mom didn't do TKD also, her S told the newspaper writer that she was too fat to do TKD, she attends Weight Watchers instead!!! Isn't that horrible but kind of funny? She said the newspaper guy was nice enough not to print that, thank goodness!!! And btw, she's pretty thin now I guess the WW worked!!!

Kat, I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking like that (I think I already have???) but can't help the way my brain works maybe? And I feel a certain amount of peace that I know I'm being a good parent and making good choices, that kind of peace that I can't imagine my H has. And I realize it's his life to make choices, but feel a little sad my kids don't have a dad that is there more for them. But I know they'll be ok so I'm just a little sad. I know some others here have the same thing with their WAS as well. I have to admit that I was thinking at some point maybe I'll remarry and if so it's going to be someone who will be a good dad and be a better role model for them though!!! Or I'm staying single... Karen

[hopeful4her]

Your a GREAT role model, karen. Their dad is clueless. They'll know who was there for them. Great bonding.

I don't know. Board breaking. Flying front kicks to kids privates.

I'll stick to the shower, please. And lots of chocolate syrup.

[karen43]

Had a nice quiet day at Sunday School & church. The pastor shakes everyone's hand at the end of the service, but gave me a hug instead. I guess b/c I told him a few days ago my D will prob. be on Dec. 3rd?

Anyway, just got a call from H. He said he was talking to S14 about renting a chainsaw to cut down the 2 trees (which fell down about 5 weeks ago). Then S14 told him the church was going to come by and do it. He said plans which I was not made aware of and I said yes (is true). He said he'd rather not accept charity from the church as I will need to later, and he's going to rent a chainsaw this afternoon. Clearly mad at me for this. I'm teary and feeling like crap; probably shouldn't have answered the phone. But other than that, did I do anything which can justify his anger at me??? I know I should work on not caring about his stupid anger. It's him, not me and all that, but still feel like crap anyway! Karen

[hopeful4her]

karen, I'm sorry. Getting ready to leave.

If I could get over there and kick your H's ass for you, I'd be there in a minute.

The only thing you did wrong was to take care of the situation, which he cannot stand. His anger towards you has NEVER been justified. Since when do you have to justify a DAMN thing to him? You don't. Sorry, but I'm fired up! And its Sunday.

And he's not accepting ANYTHING from the church. You are. And justifiably so. He hardly gives you anything to live on. What does he expect?

Gather yourself, sweet karen. Don't let him do that to you. This is something he should have taken care of WEEKS ago, anyway.

[kat727]

He doesn't want anyone else to take care of you but won't do it himself! When he gets there tell him that you don't need his help, maybe his girlfriend does. End of story. He ticks me off.

kat

[lost_in_space]

(((Karen)))

I like what kat said! Take care sweetie.

[Yoyowife]

Karen,
He is living in own little fantasy world as many WAS are. He doesn't want the "outside world" to know what an a$$hole he is. He wants them to think that even though he can no longer "save" his marriage, he is still a nice guy. When someone (especially the church) else comes over and does the job he should be doing, it draws attention to the fact that he is not taking care of his family. It ticks them off when you take the matter into your own hands especially if an "outsider" does it. It's alright for people to think that you were a "bad wife", but he is supposed to be the saint that put up with you for so long. In summary he just doesn't want anyone to know of his shortcomings. It's his pride getting in the way. Where was this pride when he walked out on his family? I guess the same place my H's was.

If you can let the church do it, let them. I'm sure you will need their assistance in the future. If you tell them you have this under control they may think that he takes care of everything for you, which we all know he does not. Hmmmm...sounds a lot like another H I know...It's like pulling teeth to get my H to do things around the house.

Hugs, Yoyo

[karen43]

OK, Warning H4H length post!!!

I hate to tell you, but he showed up with a chainsaw and had cut up one of the trees before I was even out there! He was mad on the phone; I do think he was embarrassed by the thought that the church was having to help me or us out "with charity". I think he doesn't realize or think sometimes at how he isn't being a very good dad and what kind of husband he is. He is so mean, he hurt me by saying "I'll be needing a lot of their charity soon" I guess after the D b/c he wants to leave me penniless from what he says.

By the time he got here, he had calmed down, probably got over the embarrassment by being angry at me! So he was acting normal. I was probably way too nice and friendly too him again. OK, you know it's my nature-don't know if I can fight that but I will try harder next time!

I did go out as soon as I heard the chainsaw & D8 and S14 and I brought H water (b/c it was so hot) and then hauled the tree parts to the curb. I mean 2 huge trees!!! It must have taken us almost 2 hours! H cut the trees down while we worked also. I was working mostly on the other tree while he would work on the other tree.

I even joked him with about keeping some of the tree trunks to make into a clock; he had a big piece of tree trunk he had gotten and we had it most of the marriage I mean at least 10 years and he never turned it into a tree clock of course! But we did laugh about that today! If he had actually done that again with OW, I really would have thought that funny, but guess he is mature enough at least to realize that wouldn't work!!!

H apparently spent his whole paycheck on vacation and didn't have the grocery money for us so he met us at the store and had to pay with his credit card. He's just living like money's no problem putting stuff on his cards and planning to plead poverty with the divorce. Hope he doesn't get away with that but whatever.

I did screw up again, I know y'all are going to bring out the 2x4s but I offered H some dinner--we were eating while he was here and I was always taught it's rude not to offer, and I know he is rude, but someone has to teach the kids about politeness! Then I washed his socks, he had left them all wet and gross on the porch steps, so I asked him if he wanted me to wash them. OK, I promise I will never again wash for him, and at least this time I didn't stay up half the night!!! I walked into the living room where he was supposedly watching TV with the kids and he was texting OW. Geez, after getting back from a almost week's vacation he's texting her the few hours he spends with his kids! I was upset for about 5 minutes but was working out upstairs so got over it pretty quick. Progress--when he used to do stuff like that I was upset for hours maybe even days so hopefully at some point it won't even bother me at all.

The good news is that he is so horrible now as a dad and husband, that honestly I think D might be a relief, just like his moving out was. I was thinking today he is pretty much my total opposite in just about every way.

I was so teary and sad after he was mad at me again; I haven't cried in I think a couple months. But by the time he got here an hour later, I was strong again, had great PMA, and was confident and laughing and I doubt he prob. realized I had ever been upset--so I'm glad about that! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh dear Karen,

Of course he was texting her. You just brought him water, joked with him, cooked him dinner and washed his socks. All while he just spent your kids' food money on his vacation.

He has no respect for you, and you're not doing anything to command it.

I think the water was a common courtesy; the rest was over the top, in my opinion. You're way, WAY too far into this DB thing to simply say "I know I shouldn't have, but . . . " every time, like a Newbie.

Puppy

[Yoyowife]

Karen,
I'm going to look at it a different way. Yes, he should have cleaned up the trees before now, but he got it done. So I think the courtesy you offered him was okay. It's not like you called him and invited him over. I just wish the church had got to it before him, but this was out of your control.

Another thing I want to add. I'm sure the OW texted him first. I bet she hated knowing that he was at your house doing something for you. Probably her way of checking up on him. It has to bring out insecurities in her, so chalk one up for you. I agree that he didn't have to text her back, that was rude, but at least I think you got one up on her!!!