The day was much more productive. Up and laundry, off to get some muffins for church (MIL & I hosted coffee), then services. I was so tired I think I almost fell asleep standing up! I didn't go to bed too late, so I must just not have slept very well.
Home and straightening. FIL came over to help me euthanize S's pet rat. The poor thing developed a rapid-growth cyst on her neck. S knew about it; we actually talked about it Thurs and Fri of last week. He was trying to figure out what to do - another loss for him, but in the end, he saw that holding onto her, even if we put her through surgery, would be more for him than her, so he finally asked me to take care of it while he was at his dad's.
I did get an email from x yesterday morning:
Quote:
so you hear it from me first and not the kids...i close on a house in town in a few weeks. they know and are excited. i also started the QDRO for the annuity money. it should take a few weeks to complete and will cost between 1000 and 1400. i will let you know when i have to give the lawer any money.
I responded with "Thanks for the heads-up." I think that was pretty neutral.
He emailed again later in the day after taking D to her follow-up Dr appt that she was clear of the ear infection and could get off the antibiotics. I replied that that was good news, she is sick of being sick.
The kids went with him and her with her clan to the homecoming parade yesterday, and today he took my kids with her one (the one friends with my D) out hiking.
This is going to be my kids' lives. And mine.
I'm not feeling any hostility (or, not very much) about the whole thing...more like, resigned. Defeated. There seems to be a very small line between acceptance and failure/defeat.
It feels like every day cements this more firmly in place. He is pushing forward, and I have to on my own.
More sadness...
I know that there is no statistical possibility that my family will be restored, that I will have a chance to build a new R with this man. We don't talk or interact at all, anymore. I know that I am standing at that door that I left open, if only a crack, straining to see him as he fades further and further into the distance.
He's not like so many of the WAS's here who screw up their lives immeasurably after a divorce. He will work hard to make this new family structure work. I think he will have a good life, despite how that R started. She and her kids will be better for it; he will be very good to them. And he will continue to be a good father to his kids. He isn't going to fall apart.
And all I can do is take the lessons I learned and try to move forward, myself. Into a new life, one that I make on my own. Letting go of the fantasy that he may be part of it with me, again someday. He won't.
I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am ok with all of this, how it all worked out. If I will ever not be sad or cry when I think of him...
