Well: First lets me tell you yesterday night i expressed my h, in a calm way, how much i need he could be more affective... We were wt bed, almost sleeping, and i told him... XXX (to be sure he was awake)... He said What?... so i only said... "i am needing too much affection, touchs and lovely details"... he didnt said anything, we got slept... and that was all...!!... So, in the positives for today... i need to beguin with. 1. h awake me with lovely touchs and said goodbye with a mouth kiss... 2. again h gav me money without me asking it...!! 3. We went to his doctor office yesterday bc our oldest D had a medical appointment and he was so confortable with us and left clinic with us... 4. Even he injured his legs running, he was in an excellent mood and i was so care about him, doing him massages, etc...
Well... i was thinking that since many days i am writing only positives and not negatives points in my thread, and while i was thinking that i also thought in all that differences that my h and actual situation , my R and M, have in comparation of our last reconciliation, on january 2002. The last days situations of Rachael and many other friends on this board remembered me all what I had lived through the entire last year, being my h at home, supposelly decide to work on M, but being himself still in crisis, confused and definitivelly not clear at all in his part in all our crisis. Bc all that frieds, I decide to post my thoughts, knowing that still there is a long way, a long road for us to follow. Knowing that isnt resolve all but that now finally I feel he desires and is working a lot to make a strong, better, healthy and happy M. First, let me journal my positives for today, just trying not to forget how much he is working and how much he is showing me he is interest in our M and R. 1. When he came back yesterday from work, before getting sleep and this morning when we awaked, he was so LOVELY...just showing me care and telling me with actions he heard and understand my meesage: I am needing more affection from you!!. That actions shows me he is interest in our R, he is interest in doing the right things for both, and the most important, I see him so happy and confortable with our Situation. 2. Again, as all the days of this week, he gave me money without me asking him, before leaving to work. 3. I was so care about him and his leg injured, and he likes that. My mood is great and I recognized again ( and I need not to foget that) that my menstruation period alter my feelings and mood too much. 4. I am not thinking at all in Ows... and right now I am convinced there is no one around and that his shows of affections are not a "typical guilty response ", that kind of responses or actions he shows me while he was cheating me on february before I asked him to leave home. Why, bc his mood, his confortable behavior, all weekends wanting to be with us, all nights getting early to home. 5. I am more thinner and so entusiastic with my GYM and he loves that and he notes my better shape and mood bc that.! 6. I am caring a lot of my kids, my home, and also I am not working I am showing him I can help him a lot in our home, with his work and our familly.
So, now, let resume a little the differences I note in the h is living right now at home, and that h that lived in my home the entire last year being still in crisis. 1. He accepted his own crisis in words and with actions. He accepted his guilty in all the crisis as I accepted my own part. When we reconciliated a year and a half ago, he never accepted it. He always pointed out I was the cause of him cheating me, I was the insoportable, I was, I was.. Even he left a c session bc he didnt like the therapist, even he is not doing therapy right now, by actions he is showing me he is working on himself, and is at least by now convinced he wants this R to work better 2. This time he didnt pointed out his needs for own space, own programas, own plans... and it seems he is not too much interest in getting out with buddies or doing alone plans... although he had done two or three times in 3 months of reconciliation, he always get early and first invite me to join him if I want. 3. He is not there waiting for me to do this or that, to change this or that, judging me, evaluating me. No. Right now he is working AS MYSELF, and is valorating my efforts, my helps, my care and when I do something he doesnt like it, he react without hurt, with patience, and talks more even he doesnt tends to talk too much. 4. He is trying to involve me more in some activities that during the last reconciliation he avoid me to be there, and enjoy my presence. 5. He express more his feelings, frustations or scares about his work, our country situation, etc. 6. When he wants to say me something like I am a little fat or something like that he tries to be considerate and not using hurting words. 7. I remember too much that during our reconciliation his behavior can be resume in this phrase and he also repeat me this phrase many many times "I deserve everything and I want to do what I want to do and no one will stop me from doing it". So it was like "I am the king and you the servant that has to please me" Since we are together again after 3 months of separation, he had never repeated that phrase again and although sometimes he wants to do something, he had been considerate about my wishes or desires, my plans or kids plans. 8. Although he is still so entusiastic with his GYM routine and his physic, he is not actually as fanatic as in the past, let say that he is less narcissistic than in the past. 9. I believe that bc my decission of asking him to leave home and not accepting him at all to repeat past behaviors, he finally understood I can live without him although I love him too much. That I can enjoy a beautifull life with friends, my children and familly if he decide to do the wrong things. So, we are together bc we wants to be together and not because we depend from each other totally to feel happy or to live. 10. His eyes doesnt shows me sadness, confution, unconfortable, unhappiness. I can remember that eyes in the past, so confused and sad. 11. There is no Cell phone always besides him just in case "someone call", there is no "private space or misterious actions", he is totally open as I am. Although both has and enjoy our own space there is nothing to hide. He even had asked me... hey, my cell rang, why didnt you get the phone call?. 12. He is more interest in showing me he hear and understand my needs messages... in the past that were stupid needs.
I also feel differences on myself and my behavior this time.. 1- I am more sure about myself, my disposition about doing my own life if "this doesnt work or this doesnt fill my needs", and this is traduce I am being more spontaneus than in the last reconciliation, I am expressing without scare or fear my needs in our R, it is like telling him "hey, I also deserve this or that, you need to work on that and if you dont want it you are free to be out of this R, no one is retaining you, you are here bc you wants as I am here so let work both on what we both wants and desire" 2. I dont know why, but this time I am less planficate or I plan less my moves. I am affective when I want to be affective, I touch his arm when I want it. I dont call him at all to his phone if I dont need to tell him something important. I can remember me in the past calling him only to tll him I love him, but in a planificate way, like I was thinking "hey, remember to call him, to remember him you love him, is your work right now". 3. After him telling me he doesnt like mails where I express myself, I stop doing that and accept he doesnt like this way of comunication. He prefer actions comunication or briefly or short sentences of comunication. In the past I would insist and insist in what I think was a perfect way to communicate him my feelings. 4. This time I am more interest in please myself, although I am interest in please him. But my self being means a lot more right now.
This is some points I can remember right now, maybe there a lot more. I hope this can help someone to recognized their situation and to be a little more patience, a thing that I think is the hardest part when they are in crisis. Andrea
Ok... let journal my P notes for the weekend 1. Although we cant shared a lot together he shared wit my D activities of school (mountain activity) and i share with S his activities with baby girl also (Soccer activity), so we divided ourself bc they both had different activities on saturday. After that we get together and he was nice and affective 2. Although we hadnt made love in some days this time i am not so preocupied about it... i just take it as a common down, sex down in any R... 3. On frday he went to a coctel he had told me he have... alone... and i took it fine, without fear or doubts... and also i enjoyed that day a bautifull afternoon-nights with some friends, mother of my S friends at school 4. He now is so worry about caring about me, talking to me nice, caring to say goodbye, hello... 5. Ysterday we shared a nice lunch with his familly at home see you around. Andrea
andrea, You sound great - things are working well for you. It is a difficult process to wait for your spouse to GROW UP ! That is really what it is all about - they seem like a teen again and we have to change our behavior to change the cance - or they will never change things - cuz they like it! I am waiting on the Lord for my direction and doing what I need to do - I have an over-flowing plate and am whittling away at it...God never bails out on me! My H is in Iraq now and I have alot to consider and do in the next few months - many changes and provisions for change - I continue to pray for all of us and I know you do too - Thanks! Faith. Hope. Love. LSL
Thanks LSL for your prays... i always pray for all us too...!! Ok, let resome some new situations that had happened in my R and my M.... Last thursday, bc the baseball game, my h called me and told me he will stayed out seing the game with some buddies... so, i said it was Ok... He arrived home a little later after the game finished, and we didnt talk at all bc i was almost sleep... So, the next morning he very affective asked me to let the children to schoool bc he had a great headache bc the scoth... I asked him... So.. at what time you arrived...?... he answered me he didnt know but he think that at 12:30... I dont know if was god but i get down to my car before going to school with children, just to buy cigarrets for me... and i saw a paper on my h car (that paper that put on Restaurant for valet parking)... i read and WAO... surprise... he had been on a bar i dont like it at all bc is like a discotheque and many many girls go there just to catch a man...!!... So, i get up to my home, he was on bed, i close my room door, and asked him... What you were doing on XXX bar....?.... he didnt say anything... i didnt say anything else on that moment, bc i know i will eat him... so i prefer to breath, relax, and talk about this later... I took my children and get out of home to school... More, in minutes....
So... not talking to him was a big big 180 for me... but know i had learned that talking in a moment when i was feeling so mad, will never arise nothing good for me and for us... I had passed all the day so mad, returning to the past, to past events and behaviors... i was so mad...!! A friend, an spouse from a doctors friend, called me to invite us to a dinnet at their home... so i said yes still feling mad.. and thinking, too much thinking and that thoughts hurted me a lot...!!... So, at 2:30pm i called my h.. his voice sounded afraid and remorsefull... I told him about the invitation and he told me that his friend had told him about it... Are we going...?... i asked him icy and brief... and he answered me... Yes... Can we go...?!!.... So, he arrived home vey very early... I know this was bc he was afraid about my feelings and mood....
When he arrived home, he look at me with affections, and i responded him icy... he knew i was so angry... He insist looking for my affections... so, i spoke... What were you doing on XXX bar discotheque...?!! I had passed all day mad, very mad at you...!!!!...
He told me i was right to feel that way... and that he was sorry for that... he asked for forgivness and that he didnt callled me to ask for permission bc he knew i will tell him no way going to that place... that he was with XX friend... (a friend he never had been out before and that i dont know very well)... and that bc too much scotch he lose time and actions... that nothing wrong had happened... that he only drank and drank, talked and talked with that friend... (i still cant beleive that part)... I told him i hate him going to that places alone, that i know that place and know that there are many many woman trying to catch a man there... that he, with that actitude and behavior, had returned me to the past, had made me feel so hurted and bad... he ask again to forgive him... that this will never happen... We stay at bed seing TV, he saw me still so mad, revolved.... and then he look for me, close the room door, i told him i was so mixed and revolved.... he insisted and we make love...!!... more, in minutes
he had been on a bar i dont like it at all bc is like a discotheque and many many girls go there just to catch a man...!!... So, i get up to my home, he was on bed, i close my room door, and asked him... What you were doing on XXX bar....?.... he didnt say anything... i didnt say anything else on that moment, bc i know i will eat him... so i prefer to breath, relax, and talk about this later... I took my children and get out of home to school...