Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

W called to let me know she was in the hood and would p/u D6 so I wouldn't have to drive to her mom's. Sounded very nice and upbeat.

No doubt she was down the street at "Project Girls" house. *

I decided to dress up a little and to leave about the time she got here. I had disinvited myself from a dinner out with her family, b/c her mom (not her) was the one who invited me.

W came in for a while and eventually said ' You can come to dinner if you want to' to which I replied that if she wanted me to come I would, but only her mom had invited me. She said ' I said Friday you could come' and I said that at the moment I did't recall that. She got upset and said why should she be to blame if I forgot. I said I'm not blaming you. I just said I don't recall that.

Since she was not listening to me, but reading into everything I just said, ' Anyway, I want to give you some space. I need some space too and I've got something else planned to do tonight. Thanks anyway. Maybe next time.'

I really wanted to go to the dinner. To pretend everything was fine for a few hours.

But I am pissed and confused by her 'sexual reawakening' confession the other day. And how she wasn't attracted to me.

So, I went out and spent some $$$ on myself tonight. I bought some personal grooming stuff and some new clothes. (I have sacrificed my own needs for a long time while each season W needed a new wardrobe b/c she grew a size.)

I am really having a time with my anger towards her.

I know she has been through hell (mostly a self-imposed one, since she speaks in convoluted ways that just confuse me so I never know what she is saying. Or she just keeps stuff to herself, or she explodes and I have no clue what the hell just happened.)

But I understand now she felt unloved, as she was looking for specific manifestations of intimacy and romance, and I was not speaking her love languages. Also I was not great at foreplay and she was never really 'warmed up' for sex. I mean, I feel awful about that, my ignorance, not understanding what she wanted, feeling rejected.

But I still am angry. She knows I showed love to her and our D6 in the way I knew how. She just discounted my love to her bc it wasn't the way she wanted it.

I want the chance to speak to her in her love languages now, but I may not get it.

Anyway, she made an effort to get me to come, and I would have, but I thought that perhaps this time it would be best to hold back. Get her thinking that she may lose me. And anyway, I'm still angry about her sexual awakening confession, and how she doesn't find me attractive.

I understand her dilemma. She wants sex, she doesn't want to whore around, but the only legitimate person available (me) she is not attracted to.

So I'm chopped liver ? Well F*** You. That's how I really feel. I am so angry right now. After all I did to try to hold this family together. All the slack I had to take up when she decided to 'check out' years ago on the housework, childcare, everything but her job. The countless times I cared for her when she had a migrane or was not feeling well, or listened to her share about her day.

Words cannot express the anger I have over this latest slap in the face.

But I can't help but think that she wishes she was attracted to me, and that she thinks I can do something about it.

But I'm going dark right now. She has never pursued me except before we were married.

I think it is time she pursued me some.




*('PG' or 'Vampirella' is a super shy, suicidally depressed,lesbian who's partner committed suicide last year, who is living on a trust fund and trying to hit on my W and seems to be the main social connection W has outside of work).