Hope4us struggle, part 9 or 10 or whatever

[kat727]

Sounds like someone was breathing down your bosses neck and he just wanted to spread the joy! Gotta love management. It is good that you and wife were able to vent and support each other. Keep up your firm stance with her, I think this is the right path.

kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Man, that sukks, H4U. Here's hoping that you can use this as a way to build some common ground with your wife.

I see SO much of my wife in yours -- the STUBBORNNESS. She's going to read juuuuuust enough of your damned book, but she's not even going to TELL you that she's doing it.

You're going to need to decide if that's good enough for you. Personally, I think it's far more important for her to show you some movement back toward your marriage than it is for her even to read the book itself. Others may disagree, as the book is EXCELLENT, and maybe it'll open her eyes, but her stubbornness and refusal to give you even a BONE is very concerning to me, and she pisses me off, frankly.

Puppy

[fightingirish]

hope,

Im sorry about your boss. I was getting worried about you. I am glad though that she was able to "hear" YOU for a change. I know you needed that after the day you had, im just happy she didn't add fuel to the fire.

Hang in there my friend, email me when you can.

((((((hope))))

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. Kat, I think you're exactly right. My boss got some crap from someone and he was passing it down hill.

Pup, I'm right there with ya. We'll see what happens with the book. And we'll see what happens with the movement towards the marriage. I told her that I wouldn't discuss any R talk while she reads the book so as long as I know she is, I have to stick to my word. Thing is, I really think she's getting close to figuring it out. And if I'm just patient she'll come around. I truly believe she's NC with OM. I think she gained respect for me with the things I said in the email.

Maybe I'm still getting played, but I've detached enough that if I am, F her. Maybe when you get to that point you can do what's necessary and then your marriage has a chance.

TAL, I thought that was really big that she sat there and empathized with me and validated what I was saying. And then it was my turn to do the same for her. It was nice that she listened. And she never rolled her eyes ONCE! No time to email now, but I will when I get a chance. Hope everything is well at your house.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I actually believe you might be right, H4U. I just want you to prepare as if you're not.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup. Oh, I'm prepared. After that tongue lashing by my boss, I've got a F the whole world attitude going on.

I think that with her note she sent me last Friday, there was a good tone in it that she was pretty close to figuring out she wanted to try. And I'm confident that once she makes that decision we'll be ok, as long as I don't walk in the end. But the second part of her note was so foggy it wasn't even funny and I think my reply to her that basically called BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse) on her and her attitude may have been just the right push at just the right time.

We'll see how it goes. There has definitely been a change in her attitude towards me since I took off for the weekend and then sent her the F you reply. Maybe that was the wake up call. But while things are still not perfect at home, they are definitely better than they were and we seem to be moving closer and closer to each other.

[whatdidido]

You got the perfect attitude for saving your marriage and yourself.

I'm glad she is reading the book. Make sure she reads the whole thing and not just HER part. I did that at first with that book. I tended to focus on the things that my fogged out brain wanted to hear and twisted it....tried to find the thing that would make it ok to leave and justify the affair and a divorce.

In my opinion now, there is never a good justification for a divorce unless one person has no control over it (someone divorces YOU), there was never love in the first place (but then how do you explain marrying the person many years ago), or abuse.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hope,

What's going on with you, bruthaman??? A little concerned.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the concern Pup. Everything is fine. I just decided I needed a little break from posting on DB.

I just feel like constantly reading and posting on here almost sets me back from the focus I need to keep. So for a little while at least, I'm going to not spend so much time on here.

And there's really not much to post anyway. Things seem to be going well. Little by little we seem to be connecting more and more. Still no affection, she's still on the couch, I'm not sure if she's looking at "not just friends" like I asked her to or not, but since my note calling her out last Monday it's been different. Even my friend Deb told me last night that the email exchanges between W and her are different. Deb described them as "warm" instead of the "matter of fact" tone they had as recently as 3 weeks ago.

W and I spent all weekend together except for Friday night when I went to our H.S. football game. She was TM'ing me most of the game, asking when I was going to be home, having some good natured banter back and forth. We went shopping today and she's talking about decorations for the house, Christmas stuff she wants to buy, things like that. She asked me when my mom was having Thanksgiving dinner and I told her I thought it would be on the Sunday after. She said she wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner at our house on Thursday and then "we" could go to my mom's for dinner on Sunday.

For her to not be committed to our marriage, she sure seems like she's thinking long term. Actions, not words correct? She's been thanking me for stuff, which she hasn't done in a long time. Friday I took the afternoon off work and mowed the yard and then I down loaded some pictures of her, the kids and some vacation pics on a digital photo frame. The frame also shows the time and temp. I put a note on it for her that said "I thought this would be a good addition for your desk. You can tell how long it is until work is over for the day, how cold it is in your office (which she complains about constantly) and the reason you're working". She was very excited. She talked about another admin at work having one of them and how she thought it was cool. She wanted to know how to set the clock, how to load more pictures etc, so that was nice.

So that's about it. We leave for Florida in two weeks and W is excited about that. I'll post periodically, but unless something drastic happens, I'll probably just update every few days or so. It helps me stay focused and not be so worried about the little ups and downs, but to pay more attention to the overall tone.

Hopefully in the not too distant future we'll really begin to make progress and I can spend more time helping others on DB with what I've learned.

Of course, that could change in a minute if her mood swings back, but to tell you how nice it's been the last week, she's PMS'ing and is still better than she's been in a long long time.

Thanks for the concern Pup. It means a lot.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This all sounds very good to me, H4U. The inclusion of family tradition/holiday talk is a great sign.

I'm glad you are well. We needed some good news around here, and I think you and Coach are providing it!

Puppy