my story

[optimistwife]

123,

I think you are doing great based everything crashing down around you. I remember the week my husband moved and I don't think I did well at all... I remember needing to go take a nap in the middle of the day at work- cause I hadn't slept in days- looked awful, probably shouldn't have been there.

You have made it this far. Cry when you need to- but try to keep it away from H. I know you already know this- and it is so hard. I still on occasion lose it. I wish I wasn't a cryer during times of stress! Oh well.

The first few weeks it seems like DB really doesn't happen. Read the book as your bible every night. It will get easier to put it in play. I think it took me a month or so to start making real changes. Schedule a DB coaching session if at all possible!

[123snap]

Today I had a counseling session, and I admitted out loud that I am not as distant as I like and that I am hanging on too much. I said it just doesn't feel done, I think it is hope as well as the denial part of grief. Counselor helped me deal with the kids visitation thing, and so I have made a peace offering of sorts, by that I mean brought it up again myself and suggested we agree on what he last proposed, which was 6 nights with him 8 with me, alternating his longest stretch is 4 nights, I also want them to come here after school since currently I am home. He hasn't emailed me back yet.

He was funky this morning and it put me off, I think that is why it is so much on my mind today, the denial thing. He is taking the kids with him tomorrow for the weekend, I am not looking forward to a weekend alone, but I do have a lot of studying to do so must discipline myself to concentrate on that. I am going to work on accepting this change in my life and try to keep making the focus myself and my kids.

trying to keep my chin up, which if my face would stop breaking out would be easier

[123snap]

well this is my first weekend alone, H picked up the kids yesterday to take them until sunday afternoon. kids called last night, I miss them, it is very quiet here, haven't kicked myself in the pants to study much yet, but will do that today

not much to report, finalized the visitation schedule with H via email, he accepted it fine and thanked my for working on this with him. he was irritable last night when he picked up the kids, of course they weren't perfectly ready and sitting on the step, I had their bags packed all they needed was socks shoes and jackets, and they were their usual putzy selves, I kept getting a vibe like he as close to jumping on me for not having them ready, I planned to reply, they are packed..... what are you expecting.

So.... his dog woke me up early, that makes me mad, but what can you do.

hoping to get through til sunday and then the schedule starts. not liking this at all, he may finally move into his house after sleeping as his sis's since the separating bomb

[123snap]

Man this weekend has sucked. I am supposed to be studying my butt off, mostly I am avoiding hanging out in my lonely quiet house. I miss the presence and noise of my kids. I hate that he is off at a reunion having fun, or at least I think he is.... I am thinking about "us" a lot and wish I could stop. Silly songs going through my head over and over.

I am having a hard time being distant. How do you do that, how do you "give up" and get over it, but lock away that small twinge of hope.

[123snap]

so found out tonight when he brought home the kids that he took his wedding ring off, he was actually trying to hide it from me. It really broke my heart all over again. He was not very tolerant of my being emotional. He doesn't want to deal with that, he understands that I can have emotions, but he doesn't want to deal with them. He is also still stuck on the negative parts of our relationship. Although he did say that he sees a point where we can do stuff with the kids and such.

I am tired of feeling like this, tired of being sad and feeling like I am bleeding and the only single person in the world. I *know* that isn't true but it feels like it.

Jane

[123snap]

I am not doing well with acceptance and distancing myself from the situtation, also not GAL or PMA, the only thing I am not doing is freaking out on him, I get emotional, but not attacking him. I think I am doing well with the kids, giving them lots of emotional support, and supporting them visiting, being positive about that. I have tried really hard to work out the visitation in a calm manner. I try to be accomodating about things as they come up. H is stuck in negative mode, nothing is good about me, I am all bad. It hurts very much. I think he is moving on much faster than I thought he would, taking off his ring for example, and that hurts a lot. I am also admitting that I am still living and breathing hope for a change, and it really hurts that there isn't one.

I am tired of feeling like this, but don't seem to be able to get beyond these feelings, I am struggling with how to shut off my feelings for him, and move forward alone. I'm just so sad, all the time.

Does anyone have any good advice to help me move ahead, even just a little, I am floundering.

[123snap]

did a little better last night, although there was no issues, well that isn't true. H was over here to watch the kids, was going to mow the lawn, but I asked him to plant some trees instead, he was all stressed about me keeping up the house, outside especially. I know that I can do it, he just doesn't think I can. I just need to get used to doing it.

I had a good game last night at soccer and that gave me a lift and made me feel better for a while

[123snap]

Just talked to H, on the phone, our car is needing work and I left his number, wanted to know if he heard anything yet.

He told me he is planning on starting to stay at our old house tonight. His sister is supposed to help him move some more stuff over, and then he will be there. I wonder how he will feel about it, he has been staying with his sister since we separated, while I have been alone, of course the kids have been here. Tomorrow he is supposed to have the kids at his place. This makes me sad, seems like another brick in the wall.

I am not sure why I am feeling so down these last couple days, I guess the weekend stuff hit me harder that I originally thought.

Sigh

[123snap]

Well H finally moved into the other house. Last night was the first night the kids were with him, tonight also, then I get them for the weekend. H has been a bit crabby the last few days, expressing concerns over me keeping up the house, and if the kids rooms are clean or not. Silly stuff really, wonder why he is all up at arms over this stuff.

Did a bit of backsliding yesterday after a text message, felt like he texted so he didn't have to talk to me, he said "don't do this, I am not avoiding you, blah blah blah.."

I am still feeling pretty low, although yesterday during the day went better than previous days.

I am super tired, not sleeping well, waking up several times a night. I think maybe I will take a bit of help tonight and see if I can't sleep a bit better. Have an exam friday so I need to study today and tonight.

[123snap]

So,

H is gone for the weekend, 2 calls today to the kids, did not ask to talk to me. I called him this am to wish him good luck this weekend, he was nonchalant, but then said he is stressed and anxious about the weekend, so I am going to let that one go.

Read some stuff the last couple days, about how both are hurting in this situation not just the lbs, although I can't imagine how it could hurt him as much, doesn't matter really we both have to deal with our lives.

Watched the Sex in the City movie tonight, there were some good messages in there, about looking out for yourself and what you really need. The mushy stuff was there, but it didn't bother me as much as it sometimes does.

I guess tonight I am feeling like I will survive. I don't have to like this to survive, but I do have to accept the path laid before me, I have no other choice, wishing it was different won't change it or make me feel better, it is good for me to just write those words. The only thing that will help is time and changing my focus to me, and my life, which includes my kids of course.

Some days are just going to suck and there is no way around that. I have to figure out a way not to slide all the way down the hill when those days happen. I am not going to be okay if I let that happen all the time. Ultimately that is the goal, to be okay, regardless of what or who is in my life.