Well... i was thinking that since many days i am writing only positives and not negatives points in my thread, and while i was thinking that i also thought in all that differences that my h and actual situation , my R and M, have in comparation of our last reconciliation, on january 2002. The last days situations of Rachael and many other friends on this board remembered me all what I had lived through the entire last year, being my h at home, supposelly decide to work on M, but being himself still in crisis, confused and definitivelly not clear at all in his part in all our crisis. Bc all that frieds, I decide to post my thoughts, knowing that still there is a long way, a long road for us to follow. Knowing that isnt resolve all but that now finally I feel he desires and is working a lot to make a strong, better, healthy and happy M.
First, let me journal my positives for today, just trying not to forget how much he is working and how much he is showing me he is interest in our M and R.
1. When he came back yesterday from work, before getting sleep and this morning when we awaked, he was so LOVELY...just showing me care and telling me with actions he heard and understand my meesage: I am needing more affection from you!!. That actions shows me he is interest in our R, he is interest in doing the right things for both, and the most important, I see him so happy and confortable with our Situation.
2. Again, as all the days of this week, he gave me money without me asking him, before leaving to work.
3. I was so care about him and his leg injured, and he likes that. My mood is great and I recognized again ( and I need not to foget that) that my menstruation period alter my feelings and mood too much.
4. I am not thinking at all in Ows... and right now I am convinced there is no one around and that his shows of affections are not a "typical guilty response ", that kind of responses or actions he shows me while he was cheating me on february before I asked him to leave home. Why, bc his mood, his confortable behavior, all weekends wanting to be with us, all nights getting early to home.
5. I am more thinner and so entusiastic with my GYM and he loves that and he notes my better shape and mood bc that.!
6. I am caring a lot of my kids, my home, and also I am not working I am showing him I can help him a lot in our home, with his work and our familly.

So, now, let resume a little the differences I note in the h is living right now at home, and that h that lived in my home the entire last year being still in crisis.
1. He accepted his own crisis in words and with actions. He accepted his guilty in all the crisis as I accepted my own part. When we reconciliated a year and a half ago, he never accepted it. He always pointed out I was the cause of him cheating me, I was the insoportable, I was, I was.. Even he left a c session bc he didnt like the therapist, even he is not doing therapy right now, by actions he is showing me he is working on himself, and is at least by now convinced he wants this R to work better
2. This time he didnt pointed out his needs for own space, own programas, own plans... and it seems he is not too much interest in getting out with buddies or doing alone plans... although he had done two or three times in 3 months of reconciliation, he always get early and first invite me to join him if I want.
3. He is not there waiting for me to do this or that, to change this or that, judging me, evaluating me. No. Right now he is working AS MYSELF, and is valorating my efforts, my helps, my care and when I do something he doesnt like it, he react without hurt, with patience, and talks more even he doesnt tends to talk too much.
4. He is trying to involve me more in some activities that during the last reconciliation he avoid me to be there, and enjoy my presence.
5. He express more his feelings, frustations or scares about his work, our country situation, etc.
6. When he wants to say me something like I am a little fat or something like that he tries to be considerate and not using hurting words.
7. I remember too much that during our reconciliation his behavior can be resume in this phrase and he also repeat me this phrase many many times "I deserve everything and I want to do what I want to do and no one will stop me from doing it". So it was like "I am the king and you the servant that has to please me" Since we are together again after 3 months of separation, he had never repeated that phrase again and although sometimes he wants to do something, he had been considerate about my wishes or desires, my plans or kids plans.
8. Although he is still so entusiastic with his GYM routine and his physic, he is not actually as fanatic as in the past, let say that he is less narcissistic than in the past.
9. I believe that bc my decission of asking him to leave home and not accepting him at all to repeat past behaviors, he finally understood I can live without him although I love him too much. That I can enjoy a beautifull life with friends, my children and familly if he decide to do the wrong things. So, we are together bc we wants to be together and not because we depend from each other totally to feel happy or to live.
10. His eyes doesnt shows me sadness, confution, unconfortable, unhappiness. I can remember that eyes in the past, so confused and sad.
11. There is no Cell phone always besides him just in case "someone call", there is no "private space or misterious actions", he is totally open as I am. Although both has and enjoy our own space there is nothing to hide. He even had asked me... hey, my cell rang, why didnt you get the phone call?.
12. He is more interest in showing me he hear and understand my needs messages... in the past that were stupid needs.

I also feel differences on myself and my behavior this time..
1- I am more sure about myself, my disposition about doing my own life if "this doesnt work or this doesnt fill my needs", and this is traduce I am being more spontaneus than in the last reconciliation, I am expressing without scare or fear my needs in our R, it is like telling him "hey, I also deserve this or that, you need to work on that and if you dont want it you are free to be out of this R, no one is retaining you, you are here bc you wants as I am here so let work both on what we both wants and desire"
2. I dont know why, but this time I am less planficate or I plan less my moves. I am affective when I want to be affective, I touch his arm when I want it. I dont call him at all to his phone if I dont need to tell him something important. I can remember me in the past calling him only to tll him I love him, but in a planificate way, like I was thinking "hey, remember to call him, to remember him you love him, is your work right now".
3. After him telling me he doesnt like mails where I express myself, I stop doing that and accept he doesnt like this way of comunication. He prefer actions comunication or briefly or short sentences of comunication. In the past I would insist and insist in what I think was a perfect way to communicate him my feelings.
4. This time I am more interest in please myself, although I am interest in please him. But my self being means a lot more right now.

This is some points I can remember right now, maybe there a lot more. I hope this can help someone to recognized their situation and to be a little more patience, a thing that I think is the hardest part when they are in crisis.
Andrea