Searching for me again

[ACJ]

Today my head is mashed.

A few weeks ago I was randomly reading parts of the Bible (and I mean randomly). One of the passages I read was 2 Corinthians 7 and it is the only time that I can honestly say that I've felt like God was talking to me. I saw it as a sign but that was before my D papers and all the recent mess happened.

Today part of that passage appeared in a daily testimonial that I receive via email. I had made a decision in my head (not my heart) that my M was over and that come what may I needed to move on b/c ultimately there would only be me in control, especially of finances (and not H and his L). Now??????????????????

Like I said my head is mashed.

[Cinderellaman]

ACJ,

I know how you feel, I constantly tell myself, 'ok, this is enough, let GO and get on with your life without H...he will never come back anyway'

Then always something seems to be 'sent' as a 'sign'...for expample a song on the radio, or something someone says...and then I go back to believing that there IS a chance that one day H may come back, and that I should keep my heart open to that possibility...

Sending you some love on this gloomy, rainy day...

[ACJ]

Thank you Cinders. I've just reached the stage where I want this all to be over with, one way or another. I don't want to be in pain any longer and I don't want to be held a financial hostage either.

I don't think H will ever come back but I can't understand why, when he had the chance to let me go, he still holds onto me in some small way. It isn't love, he loves OW, he wants to marry her. It shouldn't be pity b/c I've given him no reason to pity me for. It can only therefore be hate and greed.

[brandnewday]

((((((((hugs))))))))

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
I am sorry you are in pain.

I want this all to be over with, one way or another

I so understand you. Have a nice week. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

BND and TL thanks for the hugs. I need them right now. I just learned this evening that one of my former neighbours has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her daughter is just 10 days younger than my D13 and when they were very little spent equal amounts of time in each other's houses. They were almost like twins and are still best friends now. This woman's sister also has breast cancer and so that has huge famililal consequences for D13s friend.

I hadn't cried at Hs recent games but I have this evening after hearing this news.

[Andabelle]

That is sad news. What's her prognosis? Is there still a chance she might pull through?

I don't know why so many Xs seem to need to keep their hooks in the LBS-- they want to go off and be with OP, but don't want the LBS to be happy without them. I think it shows they're more conflicted than they let on. Even if they don't want to come back, they don't like to think they can also be replaced.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy weekend. You seem to feel much better when you get out-- when's your next social network event?

[MidwesternGirl]

ACJ:

I am so sorry to hear of the sad news regarding the friend.

As for your h, even though he may want to be with ow, there is still a part of him that does not want to lose you completely.

[ACJ]

I don't know what the prognosis is for my friend. At the moment I only have to go on what D13 told me. All I know is she got confirmation last Tuesday, is having surgery in 2 weeks and then will have 6 months of chemo. I haven't rung her myself yet. I wanted to get my emotions out the way as I didn't think me crying on the phone to her would help.

there is still a part of him that does not want to lose you completely

Yes the part of him that knows I am better at finances than him and he wants to continue to share in the rewards of my hard work. I no longer believe there is anymore to it than that.

This man has hurt me to my very core. My gut instinct is to hurt back even harder but I wouldn't be here if I was going to follow through with that. I just want peace in my life. I want D13 to have some stability and not have the threat of H selling the house from underneath us hanging over her poor little head. I want to be able to plan my future especially in financial terms but while ever H is playing these games I can't do that.

Opinions I've had from others who have gone through similar experiences (most of them here at some point or other) are mixed. Some say swallow your pride and give him what he wants just to avoid court and some say take your chances in court. the trouble is it is me who has to make those decisions and I don't feel equipped to do so.

[ACJ]

How cruel the mind can be. It's one thing for another person to try to mess with your head but when it's your own head!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning as I was waking up I was having a very vivid dream (and very intimate) dream about H. These sort of dreams used to give me hope but today............... well I no longer know what to make of it.

Are these dreams God speaking to me or are they the tricks of Satan? I thought I had got past the confusion stage.