The journal is a great idea. I don’t keep a journal, but I write letters to my WAW. I take them to my C for review and we talk about them. I have written 4 or 5 letters to my W and never sent one of them. I have felt the same way. I figure that a lot of the problems my W walk away from were due to my action. However, it dose take to tango. Your W taught you how to treat her. I want too and have been working on my issues, but she will have to realize that she had some issues as well. Keep working on yourself, so when you get the chance you will be ready.
I understand the frustration you going through in communicating your changes. One of the most common pieces of advice I have gotten from the people here is “Give It Time” and “Be Patient” as long as she is not pushing the Big D you have time. They also say here, that even it the D has started you still have time. My WAW said the same thing to me. Don’t push me ….. give some time. Giving that time is the hardest thing to do for me. Time is your ally.
I have been beating myself up as well. I think the LBS that want to change are the hardest on themselves. I hope you avoid the anger part, but it took me about 4 months to hit my anger button. I have those 2 in the morning thoughts that would not do anything, but make me hurt later and push my WAW even further. I have accepted the anger as part of the natural processes of grieving and “you are grieving.” I have learned not to let the anger control me. I love my W. It may sound funny but, the more of this rollercoaster I go through the more I recognizes that I truly love my W. It makes me even more determined to fight for what I want to keep.
