Thinking of you and sending prayers your way. I hope that NC is right in what she posted to you. My H seems to be in the same place these days. But in reality it really doesn't matter. It is what it is and we could assume alot of things. Bottom line is, we deserve better. And we have to take care of ME.
Take care, and GOD bless, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I too liked what NC wrote but I also have to go with TOH and live life for me and my children (especially D13). If H wants to rejoin us he has an awful lot of catching up to do.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Also....I was reading Michele's Blog....and when I did, I got the sense of...YES a marriage CAN be saved...thing is, me and many more have been here for the longest of times and the marriage has NOT been saved...actually, even though I've done most of what she suggests in her books and texts, I still feel that it had no influence whatsoever on my situation. Now I don't mean this as a criticism, as I very well know that not all marriages will be saved...then again, there are many people here who have honestly tried their hardest and followed the DBrules very well, yet nothing seemed to change....
I'm sorry, I guess I am disappointed. I so wished to have been one of the ones that made it. Yet I may end up being one of the truly lost cases... And that, whilst there was/is still much love left between us...just not the 'right' kind...
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
It is not you, it is HIM and the choices he makes. I can tell you that for those few years my h never said he loved me or touched me--he said that it was very hard for him because he fought his feelings for me, wanted to spend the night, etc. but had to go back to where he lives.
I think some of these men are in so deep, they don't know how to get out of their situations.
And it is not us that begs or holds them back, it is someone else, I believe the other person has a leash on them or they would be free to break away or do what they want. These men are not themselves, they are allowing other forces to control them.
But at the same time, many are unable to make rational decisions.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
No one really understands why a person can simply walk away from a long standing marriage. If there was someone who truly did know why and how, there would be far fewer broken marriages in the world.
MWD does not have the answers to fix every troubled marriage. And those of us who found our spouses running away to other people and walking away from their family here on MLC - well, I have come to believe that when a true relationship has been formed by our spouse with another person, our marriage is in serious trouble at that point.
DB'ing does two very good things in my opinion. First, it directs us to look inward and address ourselves. The break in our marriage provides each of us with the opportunity to focus our energies on ourselves and thereby make some mid-life corrections. Some may have been needed for some time, but the busyness of life has simply not allowed it. Secondly, I think the DB'ing techniques are wonderful for marriages that are in a down cycle, but that still have two reasonable spouses involved. Most of us were NOT in that boat.
Every single one of us on this board wanted to be one of the success stories in terms of saving and rebuilding our marriages. And I say CUDO's to each of us for coming here with that desire.
You had 17 years together with the man that you loved, AND WHO LOVED YOU. Never allow his actions of the past couple years cause you to believe that any part of those 17 years were a lie. Our spouse may reject us and leave us behind, taking away something incredibly precious to us. They can take away the love they had for us. They can take away the future that we might have had together.
But we cannot allow them to take away the life together that we KNOW we had for those many years.
Your children are the clearest evidence of what you meant to your husband and the love you had together.
It is human nature to nullify the past in order to move in a new direction. Your husband simply could not justify his present without in some way casting aspersions on his past. That is HIS problem, not yours. Do NOT allow yourself to become part of his justification.
I choose to believe that there are at least moments when my ex-wife has brief glimpses of just what she has lost. And yes, I believe that she LOST. Because I know now, over two years post bomb, that I was NOT a bad husband, an unloving man, or a person that needed to be left. So, while I may never know for sure, I tell myself that my ex-wife HAS experienced a sense of the life she lost by making such a profound change in her life.
Her new man will NEVER be 1/10th of the husband that I was to her. She will never have children with this new man. She will never have the 21 years with him that we had together. Even if she spends the rest of her life with him, she will have spent her best years with her former husband and the two wonderful children we bore together.
It's ok to feel the loss. It's ok to ask the questions. But ALWAYS bring yourself back around to affirming yourself and the woman that you are. Woman, wife, and mother.
My path took me to a new life with a beautiful, loving, and supportive woman who understands what has happened to my life, because it happened to hers as well. It has brought three more children into my life, children who are willing to accept me into their life. It has brought my two sons another adult who loves them and cares about their futures.
Life is as good as we allow it to be.
The past NEVER goes away. But life will continue to move on, and it can be awesome when we refuse to allow the losses to paralyze us from allowing for all the possibilities out there in front of us.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
My H of 24.5 years and a relationship of 29.5 years ended on Friday nite when my H ( who's been in a MLC for 38 months) served D papers to me.
My H has been with the same OW he left me for on 8/05.
I am physically and metally exhausted. My S12 and I are so very heartbroken we do not know where to go from here. I feel so sad, I feel like my S12 and I are the losers. My H is with his OW this weekend dining out and spending time at a local nightclub.
My S12 and I have stayed home...I feel we are in mourning and H is celebrating.
I want my H to feel regret, remorse and pain for leaving a wonderful family. He is giving up so much to only receive her in return. H must be convinced this is what he wants.
I am in tears about people like me and cinders and all the others who are LBS who truly fought for the marriage and still to this day with all they have dished out can still honestly say they would take them back in a heartbeat for they do truly love them.
I am crying way to hard to continue...
This world is so unfair...I cannot see a future...
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
My S12 and I have stayed home...I feel we are in mourning and H is celebrating.
Sorry for the hijack, but this stuck out. Sanderika, remember something. You were exactly where you wanted to be, at home, with your son. I try to look at it that way. Because sometimes, I feel like you, our marriage is ending, and H is out every weekend, at parties, with women, having the time of his life. While I am at home, with no life at all. But, I amspending time with my kids, exactly what I would choose to do at any given point. I try to focus on that. I am so sorry for your pain.
Quote:
I want my H to feel regret, remorse and pain for leaving a wonderful family. He is giving up so much to only receive her in return. H must be convinced this is what he wants.
Who knows what they feel, really. But we know what they gave up.
Heal for yourself, then help your son heal.
Cinders, as always, I completely understand all of your feelings. Just last week H was listing to me the things that are 'hard' for him regarding our divorce. He never once listed me. Nope. Cinders, we will be ok. We will.
Hi Sanderika, I am sure Cinders will forgive me for replying to you here. This caught my eye
Quote:
This world is so unfair...I cannot see a future...
I really do understand how you are feeling but I would just say -yes life is so unfair not just for you but for many many people-it was ever thus, we have just been lucky that for 10,20 plus years are lives were good. Your son is 12yrs old, he has a future. I am sure you will agree and you will want it to be the best future possible so for now he is your future. For him you will find the strength, courage what ever it takes to get up each morning and provide for his needs. Yes it will not be what you hoped for or what you had planned but it is what it is. We may never know what happened to our plans or our marriage or what our husbands thought or felt. One day we might, for me personally I don't think I will ever know and I have learned to accept that. I know my actions initially hurt my children deeply by my despair and inability to see a life without my h,they told me later that it felt as if they didn't matter that they were not enough reason to move forward and live. I hope your son never has reason to feel that way, because it broke my heart to listen to my children tell me that. Limboland is the worst place ever to be and you have hung on along time. Your H has chosen his path and for now you must do what you have to, to protect your son and you both financially and emotionallly. H may well live to regret his actions, you may never know but you have to accept for now that you will be moving along on your own with your son. This is the hardest thing I hope you will ever have to deal with, but deal with it you must and one day you will find it gets easier and the future doesn't look quite so bleak or scary because you have the contol back in your life. I wish you well and hope you find the strength hope and courage you need to build a brighter future for your son and you.
