Hi TxMom, Of course I did say that to my H also about leaving the door open, and I knew it was wrong to say. He does not want to hear that, his mind is moving ahead to D and OW. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut also. He came over to see D tonight and she went with him to see his apt. It is very sad sitting here alone. Today, I stayed home and felt sorry for myself and then took a nap. But when i got up, I went to see D's school and spoke with the counselor and then came home and made her dinner. Then H came over and talked to me. It is hard to detach with H working with me and now living down the road. I don't know if he will ever miss me. But I like the idea of the love bank and I am working on being kind and filling up the bank. It is tough. You did good with the text message - short and sweet.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
You will not believe what happened tonight. I don't want to read too much into this. Sorry for long post
My H watched our girls while I played tennis tonight. I've been playing it nice, the last several days. Well he was asking more questions than usual trying to get me involved in conversation and I was short with answers but nice.
Here is where it gets good. I get home around 9pm and I figured he'd be up and ready to head out the door as he has been in the past. He was just sitting on the couch watching TV and hanging out .. no rush to leave. Asking me questions again. We talked about tomorrow, Friday, he wanted to pick up our girl from school.
Somehow we were standing about two feet from each other looking eye to eye
He: what is that smile? Do you want to cut my head off?
Me: I want to cut your head off and I want a hug and kiss ( I know the kiss was too much)
He: well let's meet in the middle and hug.. you don't cut my head off and not sure a kiss is appropriate, then he said.. do you think a kiss is appropriate?
Me : No a kiss is not appropriate, we'll just hug
We hugged for it seemed forever.. tight and embracing he was rubbing my back and he was crying a little I could tell and I was a little ( I didn't lose it so I was proud of myself) .. I was the one to finally pull away and he kissed my cheek
He: You must have said something to our D3 because she asked me when I would be living in the house again and coming home
Me: I didn't say anything too her. I said you don't know how hard it has been for us.
Then my H started crying and tears are rolling down his cheeks (first time I have seen any remorse or emotion since he dropped the bomb) I couldn't believe my eyes. He said he was sorry and he knows he has been awful. He actually couldn't even talk really. H said he has cried a lot lately, I said I have too, and that he'll take what he has done with him till he dies. something to that effect. I thanked him for showing me his remorse and that he knew that was what was killing me – the lack of emotion for what he has done.
H just kept looking at me as I knew he had more to say but couldn't. I asked him seems like there is more you want to say. H said I think it is enough for one night. I asked him does he want to know the door is open?. He didn't say anything I said I want my H back and some days I don't know. I said Love, true love is forgiving and unconditional- I told him I have handled the worse situation of my life with dignity … he was still crying and was agreeing by nodding..
I told him I won't ask anymore questions or push it and thanked him again for giving me what he just did.
We walked outside, he said he wants to pick up our D tomorrow and come over and hang out with her. He thanked me for yesterday, I said yesterday??, he said yes it was nice day and pleasant conversation and us being friendly. He said he wants to be here for the girls and around more for them he gave another quick hug and kiss on cheek, said that this was a lot for one night
So he gave me no empty promises for our future and I am glad to see the man I married standing in front of me tonight with emotion and a heart that is hurting for the pain he has caused. It doesn't take back that he is still with OW and of course this could be good or bad.. I'm trying not to read too much into this as it could just be him needing to rid his guilt so he can be at peace with this
Before I can just pretend, I will need more from him at some point, but I think in time I will get it and hopefully it will be him wanting to come back I know he probably is still confused - maybe just sad for the pain but still wants to leave and get a D, he of course didn't lean either way
I will ride this out and at some point I will need to decide when I think it is enough I don't want him to get his fix on family and still go back in forth to her
One step in the right direction - baby steps- Thoughts?
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Txmom, sorry I have notposted. I am sick with the flu. H moves out Wednedsay, I get sick thursday night. H is away (with Ow), think they went to San Antonio. H told D he was going away by himself, funny OW takes 1/2 vacation day on Friday. How can you lie and get away with it when we both work there. So you have seen some of the remorse from h. That is good but they will go back and forth on this. Don't be surprised if he steps back now because he does not want to be unfaithful to the OW (as sick as that is). But it looks like he was out of the fog for a bit. Feel encouraged but don't make it too easy for him about that open door. Do what you are doing, keep it friendly, have dignity and keep DB. I will write more when I feel better. Take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Ello there! Ok my thought. You are doing outstanding. You are GAL'ing glad your playing tennis. Keep it up and add more! Be confident,cheerful and slightly disengaged but yet not. The hug was GOOD and I LOVED that you pulled away first. Gives him something to think about and is real confident, not clingy and weak and still is loving and meeting a need-good stuff!
I like that you are not adding more questions about the relationship and giving some mystery to your self. This is really good. At this point the friendly conversation is good. Don't talk about OW or your relationship yet when you talk. He's coming in and out of the alien fog. If you've read the book Surviving An Affair that I mentioned sounds like you would be a great candidate to start a 4 week very good Plan A and move immediately to a plan B. He in my humble opinion is cake eating. This is good and bad. Good if your in Plan A, you've done the questionnaire in his place and know his needs and your going to Plan B in the next 4 weeks. You want him to remember how much he loves cake. Its BAD if you have no plan and you going to let him have his cake and eat it too. Cake eating is not good if done too long, usually ends up for the worse. But if somehow he can see what he may end up missing and all the fantasy is removed through exposure and a solid Plan, sounds like he could come around. I would definitely not allow him to much cake for very long and I would have a definite plan for reconciliation and a no contact letter to OW, and defined requirements before I would just let him on in. Does that make sense? Ask away, if you need to I'm on the forums daily. I may forget to drop by yours and if I do, come by mine.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, quick question on your post? Do you think Plan A would be too soon for TxMom, like me our Hs just moved out and are pretty tangled up in the throes of the OW. You have been separated since May and hopefully the bloom is off the rose with the OW. They have just started cake eating but maybe it is too soon to be effective? just a thought.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Ya know that's a very good question. I know that Dr. Willard Harley says 3-4 weeks in Plan A for Women and 6 months for men because men can handle it longer than women. If you feel that you can preserve your love for your H's then you can go for longer. But he says no longer than 6 months for anyone in Plan A because at some point it will have withdrawn love points so much that even if they do come back you won't want them. I agree, because I know for me I cannot continue meeting my H's needs in a Plan A and then he goes home and crawls in bed with the OW. I'll hate him eventually and that won't take to long. I'm focused now because I have only 27 more days. But let me tell you, saying good bye each time we see each other hurts. I want him to come home with me. He is now with her and I have been meeting all his needs the best I can. So to answer your question everyone should start Plan A right after the questionnaire and right away. This will fill his love bank. But if you to start to feel angry and taken advantage of then move to Plan B quick so you can save any love you have for your H's.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, can't wait to get the book. I need to judge when the time is right to pick Plan A and for how long. Right now I think my H is in the "high stage" of the A -- just getting out of the house, taking her away, buying her gifts. It will take a bit of time for the reality of what he is doing to settle in. Also with the holidays I need to plan right. With us going to CT for X-mas and H staying here with OW will have some kind of impact on H. H might tailspin into a depression during that time. Also I need to know how long I can last without learning to hate H's behavior and having enough before going to Plan B. Good advice. Pray that this works. Also, I just noticed that your H left in 5/08 and moved in with OW on 8/08. Where did he stay for those 3 months? just curious.
TxMom, looks like we have lots of work to do...I am ready.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I'm dying today... I am so angry and upset I sometimes feel I can't get through this... at times I feel that giving up is easier than holding on and hoping he'll come back... I want to run away with my kids for a year right now and have H never see them. Then when I think of my girls and the thought of having to only see my kids two weekends a month or share holidays it makes me sick and keeps me motivated to do everything I can.
H watched the girls all day yesterday and last night .. I spent the night out at a friends house.. I could tell H was off and not quite himself probably missing the OW. I will say that I have caught him noticng how I look ... he made a comment on my new shirt I had on yesterday.. then last night when I was getting dressed he was looking me up and down
I bought the book " surviving an Affair" but just started reading it... I'm still reading DR too... so I haven't gotten to the part of plan A and plan B yet... As Hope says not sure when we should do this as both of our H are in the "honeymoon" stage of the affair. I have decided in all the books I've read they say playing the nice friendly neighbor type is better than the depressed, angry type.. although today I backslided some by being angry with him and I yelled at him on the phone.
His b-day is this Friday and Thursday night he wants to go to dinner with the family to celebrate.. should I?? I got him some small gifts from the girls. I'm on the fence if I even want to do this.. My H is a romantic person so nice gestures gets me further than being a Biaatttchhh!!! so if I can hang tight this week I'm going to play nice... he will also be seeing his family this weekend and it will be the first time and he'll have to talk to them and explain so I want him to leave on a good note..
T2L as you said.. if we do it too long then I will get more resentful as every day passes .. but I can't fully detatch or do Plan B with us having such little kids and I travel for my job so he has to come up and watch the girls when I'm out of town.
question - I found a bunch of old cards and letters we wrote to each other the first 5 years together and boy did it make me cry for what we had. some of my friends said for me to leave them with him this Wednesday when I leave town for business and ask him to just read and remember.. I want him to realize that what we had was real and that we can go back to that... not sure on this as I don't want it to backfire... thoughts?
I feel I need to have some R talks I feel as I can't just sit here much longer with him coming and going with the girls and going back to OW - it is killing me...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
TXMOM {{{{shout}}}}}}}}} NO OLD CARDS AND LETTERS. I have not gotten the new book but have read through Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting at least twice and that is the last thing that your H needs to read. Part of the MLC is that they have rewritten the M in their own minds and it is all bad. Since they are in a fog this will not cause them to remember the good times only to enforce that they need to get away as fast as they can. Even though I also have such a tough time about bringing up the past, good times, and the OW -- every single time it blows up in my face and I know my H wants to be anywhere than with me. Detaching is difficult. When H was here today, I had a library book on the table called "How to be Single". It was a fiction book but when H saw the title he stared at it for a minute and I think it was more effective than having our wedding album there.
As well for his birthday, if and only IF you can handle it with grace, dignity and good grace go out. But if you will end up begging, crying (like I have done in the past), DO NOT GO.
What you are feeling is normal. I too go through that whole range of emotions on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I am going out of my mind. But I have 21 years invested in this M, and I won't give up after 3 months. I need to stand for my M, and at least try even if it only me right now.
We need to encourage each other and stay strong. Keep posting. Sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through the day.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Ok ya'll back for a few. He took the car with son to Home depot so I am sneaking on. So yes you are exactly right about continuing in this same manner at some point, even now your love for him is draining out of your love bank for him, I can hear it. Why because you are sharing him and you know it. This is a very very difficult place to be. For me its hard. Seeing my H wander around the home this weekend for the 1st time in 5 months is hard and knowing he is going home to her tonight. I have to be honest with myself and know that I cannot carry on in this fashion for too long. Its destructive to me and its full cake eating for them. It's okay to eat cake for a bit, but it cannot be for long. Trust me you will know when Its time to go to Plan B because you will start to hate him. I can do this right now because I know it's only for 27 more days.
Since you have not gotten through the book and you are undecided on what you want yet, my recommendation is to the best of your ability meet his emotional needs and GAL. If you can go to the back of the book and do the questionnaire like its him and meet those top 5 until you know you need to go to Plan B.
You can go to Plan B with children that's where you must have a really well thought out Plan B. I have 2 children and on October 31st I will, come hell or high water, be going to plan B. Am I dreading it? Yes! But not more than sharing him for the rest of my life and disrespecting my self and being a horrible example of a woman to my 17 year old daughter. Over my dead body will I show her that. She watching me now fight for the marriage and make sacrifices but she knows its for a period and she knows Plan B and why. I understand you have smaller ones, but please don't sell out your own soul and self respect for anyone. Yes meet his needs and love him. But I wouldn't carry on this way forever, you can't anyways its impossible. You will at some point have more hate than love so you need to protect that love.
I say yes go to the birthday dinner enjoy your self and be confident and happy. That's the image of the OW you are competing with. You think OW is unhappy or with low self esteem, crying or begging our H's? No, she is smiling from ear to ear and that makes them feel great. So IF and only IF you can go in that manner then go if not gracefully bow out very sweetly.
I say do not go there with letters or anything like that. They are not in any way ready. They are in the fog and that will only look as week and manipulative in their minds. They will feel you are trying to guilt them in. Now what I have done is signed up for a website where I can create a family website. ITs the http://www.thefamilypost.com I have started it and given him access to it. he loved it. He said I can't wait til it's finished. Similar to the letters but yet not. Before my H came I hid everything. All books everything. I want him to wonder. Mystery!!! I want his little brain to squirm. Girls this is an all out war for our marriages and everything that you know in your heart that you feel led to do put it into action. GAL super super important! They need to see it! It reeks confidence! I know it seems like the total opposite but do it anyways. And be creative! Take a dance class or something you've always wanted to try=go for it. It will help you. I will jump on in a bit after he leaves. Hoping for a hug this time but we'll see want it as natural as possible. This is hard work, but I feel myself growing and that's the best. Keep going guys. For your self, for your kids and for your H's. You'll know what to do and when trust God in your heart you'll know I promise. Back in a bit...OXOX
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
so if I can hang tight this week I'm going to play nice... he will also be seeing his family this weekend and it will be the first time and he'll have to talk to them and explain so I want him to leave on a good note..