Hi All, tough day, as stupid as it sounds this is the first day that I have not talked/seen H all these years. He was "out of town" last night and I know he was with OW (she left work 1/2 day). Having the flu and just feeling lousy it has been a horrible day. I want to fight with him, he said he was going away alone (which of course i knew was a lie), and why do I feel I need to proof he is lying. Also it is really bearing down on me that H is going out with his direct report. If I expose it they both get fired but it is so morally wrong it is really bothering me. I think H figures I would not have the guts to report it since he would get fired, but I am living such a lie at work I can't stand it. It is such an ethical dilemna. The funny part H was the most ethical man ever and now he is the lowest of the low. How can he rate her in March with raises when he is sleeping with her. It makes me ill.
Also I have been talking to oldest D28 about when she was the OW. Might help all of us. She met Dave at gym and they started working out together. He told her he was broken up with wife (did not happen for additional month), he had 2 kids S9 and D12. She really liked him and after 3 weeks she was at his house and W walks in and goes slightly crazy. That is when my D28 finds out that they were still together. W moves out to mother's house and my D28 still goes out with Dave (she was 23 at the time and dumb - He was 32). Dave tells D that he didn't want to tell her that wife was still around because she was already on the way out. Well D28 thinks she is playing house, she is hanging with his kids - Dave's D12 likes my D but S does not, he has problems at school, etc. Beginning was wonderful, buy many gifts for her, takes her away, he's in love, doesn't love wife, never loved wife, wants to marry her -- everything she wants to hear. Then as time progresses, when they go out they start to drink more and more, Dave starts getting depressed, drunk, maybe some other recreational drugs. Sometimes he starts to disappear. One night D is watching his kids and Dave is out -- guess where - visiting his Wife. My D28 freaks out and goes over and gets crazy, - splits a tire. Dave apologizes says he is asking W for D etc. Things start going downhill, Dave starts picking on D28. Wife loses 40 pounds,gets job, starts going out and it starts impacting Dave. He is depressed, drinking, kids are getting affected. Finally my D28 after 8 months breaks up with him. So what does Dave do?? He goes back with wife. They decide to move to Florida. Then Dave keeps waffling back and forth, calling my D and going back and forth with wife. Then here is a killer -- he asks my D28 to move to Florida and he will set her up in a condo and he will move there with wife and kids and "figure thngs out". Well I am happy to say that D told him to go the h... and finally cut the ties. He did show up her house a few times - once when she was going on a date with someone else. Just wanted to give everyone the insight of how the H mind works. It was a painful time in my D's life and I have to say she really has relationship issues since then. And I know it is worse for her now that H has left.
Sorry for such a long post but figured it would help for all the W's left behind.
T2L how is it going? I need to get back on board for the love bank. I need to take that quiz also. Hopefully will feel a little better tomorrow.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, I can totally understand about the work thing. I wish you could expose. IT would break up this dumb fantasy they have going on. It can stay that way a lot longer when no one knows, but I know that's a very difficult situation. If you were able or have someone else to the pressure of what everyone thinks of them will seriously tarnish that fantasy bubble. I don't recommend pointing out that he is lying about going by his self. HE knows he's lying and you confronting him will not make you look confident and that your GAL'ing. Now is the time to GAL my friend, he needs to see and hear that you are confident and living life not hanging on his every word. Yes be sweet, try to meet any emotional needs, but it must seem as though your oddly happy and why so when you should be terribly miserable. But again, I wish you could expose. It would blow a huge hole in all of it. Well I made it through day 2 of Plan A. Sent an email this morning for the chore list. Said that things were working so much better and that he did a great job and thanked him.
H came to the football game. H has not made it to any of the practices since all this mess was happening or met any of the coaches so I said why don't you go over and meet the coaches. Told my son, go take your dad and introduce him to them. He seemed very happy to meet them. During the game I was freezing I forgot my jacket and my H offered something for me to use. Just made some small talk and enjoyed watching son. He has watched all the games a far(kinda sad he'd stay really far away)but this time he came right up to us. I'm sure it felt good for him.
DD17 talked H into taking us to lunch. So we all went to lunch and stayed 2 hours just talking and joking as a family the way we used to. DD17 says dad seems a little different. I quickly say yes he seems better but remember he is having his cake and eating it to so I'm sure he feels pretty happy. She smiles and says yeah your right mom. We made small talk and thanked him for lunch.
My son is so happy to have his dad around. He keeps saying why are you being so nice to dad and letting him come over. I say son, I'm working on myself and trying to get strong and forgive your dad. I'm very nervous about Plan B for him. I fear he may get mad at me because he enjoys his dad so much. I'll let you all know if he gets angry with me for cutting dad off. I'm sure I'll need all your help in explaining to him.
We thanked him for lunch kids hugged him H said I'll see you guys tomorrow. I wanted to get a hug you guys but it just was an awkward moment so I didn't go there. Maybe tomorrow. I hate goodbyes!
He needs to finish more chores and car work. He only got half the list done. I wish I had more stuff to give him. You think I should invite him to son's football practice during the week? But then If I do, when I go to Plan B I don't want to see him. I mean I'm not playing around with the Plan B, when its dark time, I want it to be pitch black. I want no contact. I understand the importance of it. But then what do I do about seeing him at the games? How should I go about that? We will have about 1 month more of games from my going dark.
The next time we're together if we don't see him before that will be Disneyland on Thursday. It's hard to not think about what's going through his mind. Is he thinking about her while he's with us? I know-stop. I know it says to be upbeat and cheerful, but I think If I'm too cheerful he may read into it so I'm just being kinda laid back and casual and perky at times if we are joking. Boy this is hard work at first. I guess it becomes second nature after a while. Just trying to meet his admiration needs and listening attentively for his conversational needs. Tune in tomorrow for more....By the way if you can read the book either slowly or twice so you can grasp the concepts it's better...XOXO
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, I admire you. This sounds good. I am wondering what is going through H's mind. Where is OW during this? Hopefully stewing that he is with family. I would also let H come to practices. Use EVERY opportunity
I am going to get committed to DBing. You are so right we both know he is lying and I will not bring it up. Promise!
Waiting for the book to arrive -- can't wait to read it.
Also this was interesting - 8:30 my D's phone rings and it is H. I hear her say yes Mom is still sick, then she says "No I am watching a movie with Mom". Then she says well I don't know but do you want to come to church tomorrow and he says yes. She hangs up and says H asked me over to watch TV and I told him we were watching a movie, then he asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow but I am not sure if I want to go with him. H is coming to church. Where did we get these terrific kids. I know H is missing his D tonight and for tonight that is what I am grateful for.
Finally, I sent an e-mail to a good friend of ours that now works in China, I explained that Paul left and was cheating. I made mention that it is very unethical what he is doing - hoping he will read between the lines. H really respects this friend so am waiting to see his response. I am not telling H that I told him. Like the idea of an ambush. See you are inspiring me.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Very good! Very good! Exposure is good. Now we need exposure to OW. Her parents or family is good since they are not in the company-No job jeopardy there and that's serious pressure. Nice move. Gotta do more of those mutual connections and fast for both of them. The exposure needs to be swift as to end the facade. Keep thinking. I'm trying to think how I can find OW's parents address. I know nothing about her but I want to send a letter to them. When I go to Plan B. Its good for H to feel the pain and loneliness, otherwise he can do it again. BTW I answered your question about the timing of A and B in the other thread you had asked. Well I'm off to tidy up as H is coming over tomorrow and has Domestic needs one of his top 5. I do hope he is feeling reality and missing all of us but for the next 27 days I expect nothing and even expect him to do mean things and pull away but I am choosing to not be moved by it and even if I hurt. I'll come and vent and cry to you guys but not in front of him.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L or our new DB Hero, You are so regimented and dedicated to the plan. You go girl. I pray for you every day that it works. We want this stich to be big success stories for DB.
This morning I am in the shower-- still sick and D says Daddy is here working in the yard. Wanted to look good but nothing I could do but brush my hair and look pale, came out and said Hi. He said you look awful (gee thanks), H then says I will take D to religious school and then go back there and take her to Church. I said I was going to try and go but didn't think I was up to it. H works in lawn, I tell him it looks really good, and then ask about tires for my car if they are worn. He was concerned because he thought all 4 should be replaced but I told him I could not afford it right now (was that wrong?), H looked pained. I made coffee, he sat with me and had a cup then D28 calls and he talked to her for about 10 minutes. Now he is at church with D. He asks me if D15 was mad at him because she would not commit to going out with him today. So I told him that she was mad because she said he lied about going away himself and he always lies and no one believes it and she is not stupid. T2L was that a bad thing to do?? But it wasn't from me but from her. He looked depressed. Also he looked bloated I think from drinking over the weekend. He did say on the way out, I can't believe how much weight you lost -- you look great -- your clothes are hanging off of you. Look at me i can't lose anything. So I said I know you will get back on track and will do well working out again. (DB)
H leaves and phone rings and who is it -- Our friend's wife from China. They were very upset about the e-mail that I sent and could not believe it. OUr friend was upset that when he was here last month that H said nothing. I said H is definitely having an A. In the e-mail I told them everything except who the OW was but did say it was totally unethical. So our friend says who could he have met since all his time was spent at work? I think he read between the lines (exactly what I want). Well bottom line is our friend is going to call H and talk to him. I will not tell H about phone call or e-mail. Our friend says that H must be having a MLC and anything he can do to help he will. I asked them to pray for us. So now I have prayers being said all the way from China.
T2L, like the idea of contacting OW family, the only problem is that I know her Mom does not speak English (she is mexican). OW has 3 grown daughters but nobody seems to have much morals in the family but it is a thought. Have to ponder. Go be the domestic Goddess. Also shout out to other members of this stich. Stay strong.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
t2L, one last thing, when H finds out about me e-mailing our friends from China -- how should I handle it? I think he will be freaked out not knowing what I told him about OW (if I said she worked for him)...any thoughts?
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
hey tXmom don't beat yourself up. I start off well and then emotions get the best of me. My goal for the week is to detach and work on a system that works for me to back away. I will go over to your stich. feeling lousy still
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Well I would casually say you had a phone call or what ever it was and they asked how you both were doing and you had to say that you both are not doing to well and unfortunately you had to separate.
Say they were so shocked and asked why and say you got upset and mentioned that there was someone else in the picture with H and that you are trying your best to make the best out of the situation. Just be very nonchalant about it when you explain it to him kinda like half paying attention. Just say believe me I really didn't want to have that conversation with them and say so ya want a cup of coffee and go your way ....Hee hee
My H said why are you telling everyone don't you feel stupid and I looked him in the face and smiled and said no why? I didn't do anything you did. Why do I need to feel stupid when you did it?
Ok back in a bit he's still here.....
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, go back to your original posts and look how you have grown. You are holding those negative emotions in. I admire your spunk! I will use the idea of acting casual. I hope our friend calls him in the next few days. D only texted her father tonight. She just was not interested in hanging with him today. I think it was a lonely day for him. I did one DB today. H said how messy D's room was and how she throws all her dirty clothes in the hall. I said I hate that also, but then H says I know you don't want her to do the wash because she overpacks the washing machine and uses too much detergent (his perception) but you should let her do the wash. So D comes out of her room, I tell her separate your clothes and start washing. I texted him later and said "thanks for the advise, D washed, dried, folder 4 loads of clothes. You were right".. that was it -- no response but gave him something to think about. Tomorrow is another day.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
