For the Guy with Kids and a WW XV

[hopeful4her]

I think things in your sitch are too volatile to try talk to her. Maybe when things cool a bit. She might try to give you one of karens flying front kicks to the privates if you try.

Slow and steady. It's all we can do.

Haven't brought up the retro since I emailed her that one time. She said something about "not taking that route at this time" baloney. "Still getting settled in..."

It is just this one thing that I just feel compelled to let her know. Just not sure if now is the time.

[kat727]

Call me crazy but I think you should come up with something with OM's wife. She knows him better than anyone, just as you know your wife. Know your enemy.

kat

[Sugar and Spice]

Call me crazy but I think you should come up with something with OM's wife. She knows him better than anyone, just as you know your wife. Know your enemy.
kat

The two of you working together could really make things happen. From the sound of her emails, she wouldn't be opposed to your W being out of the picture. Do your homework. She could prove to be a good ally. She may be as scared to contact you as you are her...

[hopeful4her]

Thanks ladies. Food for thought.

I think I messed things up tonight.

Went to pick up the girls for my mother and grandmother's Bday get together. I had called the wife early today and told her that I could get the girls back to her afterwards, so that they could spend more time together today. The nice guy thing. She said sure. She was kind of distracted because Joel Osteen had just started. When I finally made it over, part of our conversation consisted of talking about D6 Bday. I am having to dig for info. She mentions that she is going to have a moon bounce. I don't react at first. I think to myself, "How the hell is she going to afford that."

I look at her and say, "A moonbounce?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to get a good price."
"It's taken care of."
I let it go. Her reaction tells me WHO might be "taking care of it".
I ask her how I can help. D6 IS my daughter too. Her defensive reaction is just odd. She tells me she'll make a menu and I can pick what I want to bring.

I leave, we eat at a restaurant for my folks. I call the wife afterwards to let her know we are on our way. She still not home yet. She had to pick up S14 and drop off one of his friends. Go ahead and go to the apartment. She'll meet us there after. We show up and D6 is asleep. Taking her to her bed, the wife calls me. Asks if I can have D6 start on some homework. I tell her she's asleep and she says ok. Later, sitting with D11, she calls again. Does D11 want a hamburger. She is getting s14 something to eat. I tell her we JUST ate. She asks me to do her a favor and start her fryer for her. D6 wakes up and we start homework. Wife and S14 and two of his friends show up.

Some of the speaking points of the early evening. Somehow she assumed that the girls were not going with me. Ends up D6 wants to stay. D11 wants to go. Not sure what they discussed, but things kind of went back and forth. I tell her that if D6 wants to stay, ok. I ask D11. She says she wants to go "home". The wife seems a little upset. D11 is starting to feel in the middle. I ask her if she wants to stay, its ok. She says no. She wants things to be even. The wife has a look of disappointment.

That starts me to walk over to the kitchen where she is cooking french fries for the burgers she bought the boys and herself.

I say to her, "If you want them to stay, I don't have a problem with it."
"No, if she wants to go, then its ok. I'm not going to force her."

She just looks upset.

Then I say, "I asked about the moonbounce because I know someone that has one."
She gives me a look. "So do I."

oooohhhhhh. OM maybe? I better not even see his ass here that Sunday. Ya'll will be seeing fireworks.


I HAVE to ask.

"What is the matter?"
She hesitates. Then she talks.

She says that she doesn't want them to feel like she doesn't want them there. Now I'm confused. She says because of me keeping them a couple extra days. I tell her its no big deal. What makes her think that the kids would even think that. You needed to go see your dad. I helped. I'm sure you would do the same for me. Its not about keeping exact count.

Then she starts to say about how D11 ALWAYS calls me. She is so worried about me. I just KNEW she was going to be jealous of that. She says how that when they are with me, they never call her like she does me. She starts to say that she doesn't want to mess up our time when I have them. It just seems like they are spending more time with me. Again, I'm confused.

I could have been tossing about 35 truth darts her way, but I didn't. I just let her talk. I listen. I did tell her that D11 hardly called me at all this week. She says, "Well, thats a first."

We stay quiet for a bit. I can't help it. I ask another stupid question.

"What is wrong?" Showing concern. I'm wanting to know what is going on in her head, like a dumbass.

She pauses. She looks at me.

"Its been hard."
She starts to talk about financial stuff. No money for things. Bills. I tell her I'm in the same boat. The exact same. We both talk about not being able to make bills. She is not getting child support anymore. I tell her I don't have anyone to help ME. She she doesn't either.

I think to myself, "Whatever".

We started talking about all kinds of stuff. Then she says,
"But I am happy." I just look at her. "You need to be happy, too."
"What do you mean?"
"You just don't look happy."

I pause. I end up telling her that I AM happy. She mentions how she DOES see me starting to buy myself things. That I had neglected myself. I tell her that I just care about the girls. She talks about the stuff she has bought for the kids. Hardly anything for herself. We talk about the bedset in her room. She mentions that she got it from her mother. Its a loaner, but no mattress. She would like to come get the futon from the house for S14. She's ok on the sofa. She says she does get depressed. To her mom, everything is just a loan. We talk about her trying to find mattress, but they are expensive.

I tell her that she needs to take care of herself. About her taking her meds. She says she is. Taking her meds, but not the AD. She doesn't want to be on that anymore. No way. It made her sick.

"On November 19, it will be the anniversary. I'm NEVER going back to that place. NEVER."

"It was November 11." I just had to.
"Oh, it was?"
"Yes."

At one point, she tells me that I need to move on. I tell her that I'm doing just fine, but that she knows how I feel.

Somehow, I start to talk about people. Women. People being vultures. She looks at me and wants me to elaborate. I talk a little about the ABC girls. She is grinning. She asks if I have slept with anyone, with a big smile on her face. I tell her no.

"I am married." She got quiet real quick and looked away.

Okay, so I got one in, but she is making me smile back.

I tell her how people are just coming out of the woodwork when they find out I'm separated.

"Have you made out with anyone?" she asks grinning again. I tell her no, then I start to grin. I really haven't but the question made me smile. It looked incriminating, though. She just looks at me and grins. I let her know that I'm not looking for anything. She brings up B.

"Is she the one?" I look at her dead in the eye and say,
"She just one of them. Why can't it be just to go out and have fun? Like they are trying to worm their way in."
"What? Into your pants?"
I just give her a look and smile.
"Because people are into the flesh."

Okay, now she is going to preach? I have to bite my lip.

Then I tell her about my revelation. Her response is that I DIDN'T show it. I held things in.

She tells me, "But we learn from our mistakes. I have made a LOT of mistakes. I know I have, but I am learning from them."

I think my lip is bleeding now.

"Just like Joel Osteen was saying today. Did you watch it? About our past preparing us for times to come. We learn from our past."
"Yeah, I saw it."

We talked about a lot of stuff. I talked about all the going out I've been doing. She says that things have been the exact opposite for her. That she never goes out.
"When this all happened, I thought that I was going to be going out all the time. No calls me. Not Robin(my ex SIL), no one. I am just here. But thats ok. I like it here. Me and the kids. Thats all I need. I watch a lot of videos."

"And what about when your here alone F'ing your sancho? How lonely are you then?"

Okay, I didn't say it, but I sure as hell was thinking it.

I tell her about reconnecting with all of our old friends.
"Good for you." I could tell she was sarcastic. "What do they say?"
I hesitate.
"They all tell you to forget me? Move one. Be glad that your rid of me?" she is smiling again.

I didn't say anything. I just say "People are weird."

We talk about some other things. I tell her that I need to buy some groceries. She tells me to go. She is going later. I go and get back, pick up D11 and get home. She is tired and wants to go to bed early. Feels strange with just her and I being here.

But I still love it.

There were so many things that I should have responded to the wife about. D11 and how she feels about her. She's not worried about me. We have just bonded a lot together because of our sitch. The wife just can't see it. She is in denial about a lot.

We talked like two friends talking. Not sure if that was good or not.

I don't think it was. To me, I messed up having a conversation like that. It just seems like I have really lost her. She is happy and content just the way she is.

It feels like I just have to let her go. I just don't feel the hope.

[kat727]

Or at least she is trying to convince herself that she is. I would pull back now. Take the girls, don't be there when she is there this week. When it is her week, move a little bit more towards her.

kat

[karen43]

Well, not a good day for you, but at least you didn't wash her dirty, stinky socks!!!

I agree with Kat about withdrawing-more LRT, and yeah, little toe H4H. She doesn't deserve your kindness and concern! OK, I know it's ridiculous I say that to you, but I can speak from experience, and do what I say not what I do!

I think we both have learned a lot from this experience, and have grown, but we need to do what we know is best--and we didn't do that today!!! Let's go Puppy Lite on their a$$!!!

OK, I'm 100% exhausted now, sweet dreams to you and Kat!!! Karen

[InLikeFlynn]

I wouldn't have bit my lip on the "Why D11 always call you but not her" I would have said well she is more concerned about how this is affecting me because she views you as the instigator of the break-up of the family. That is one hell of a truth dart!!! I guess you could word it to make it less brutal but at this point what is holding back the truth darts actually helping? A reality check might just be what she needs.

[InLikeFlynn]

At some point I would be auching(Sp??) to sit down with her and ask for a honest conversation. Something like....I just have to know for my own sanity what is it that makes recovery the marriage and family so out of the question!! What is worth all the separation with the kids?? Sort of getting down to the brass tax as they say (I am not sure who says that but I hear it alot)

[Sugar and Spice]

H4H this is going to sound rather bitchy (I know, a shocker coming from sweet 'lil 'ol me, right?) but I would make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that OM is not welcome at D6's party and if a moonbounce is required, that you will take care of it for your D.
I don't think your conversation with her was necessarily too bad, but it also wasn't great. She is dying for you to give her something to hang her hat on. Thats why she was asking if you had been with anyone or made out with anyone. If you said yes, it lets her off the hook about OM. Its also self-serving. She is making sure she still has you in check or if she is losing you...be careful. You did get a truth dart in there with the "I'm married" and B is someone that W is obviously aware of that likes you.

FWIW I'm with Karen and Kat. Pull back and let her stew on it. You have given her many strong reminders of what she is giving up and because you are around so much, she really doesn't have to feel what its like without you. Make yourself scarce for the next week or so and see what happens.

BTW...I noticed that your daughter is having a Halloween dress up birthday. What is she going to be if I might ask?

[hopeful4her]

I know. I missed TONS of truth darts. I don't know why I wasn't saying any. Maybe it was because the kids were right there in the living room and S14 had two friends there, too.

Today, I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. On the way to work, I decided to send the wife a text.

"BTW...my passion? Its still there. For you, for the kids and for life again. Things that you NEED to know. I can't leave things left unsaid between us."

I expected no response and she hasn't disappointed.

Am I crazy or what? Is it me giving up....puting myself out there? I felt big time backsliding yesterday and with the text.
I plan on trying to have as little contact with her as possible. I do have to get with her on the gifts that we discussed for D6 and the stuff for her party.

Can I really expect that she would let OM set up a moonbounce at the party? She HAS to realize that I would go batsh*t if I saw him there.