STEPPING out...

[cagzmom]

Got some good confirmation of the changes that are happening in me yesterday at counseling. My C adn I talked about some sarcastic words that I had towards xh and his friend the other ngiht...I was truly able to say taht I was being "ME" and not being hurtful.....(it had to do with the Corvette they drove up in and picking up chicks.). It was directed more at his buddy - and I can honestly say it wasnt said in ANY ANGER.

Have had some big awakenings to my part in my marriage split. NOTICE NOT MY XH leaving or his mlc - but my part. and i see it so big now.

i was a pretty angry person for quite awhile...now yes if you want to say why what happened there was stuff (cause it takes 2) that drove me bonkers....and yes x should have told me that my anager drove him bonkers..he didnt...and if I would have known i would have gotten help for it (AND I REALLY CAN SAY THAT because it IS who I am)...anyway....

I have realized that the anger is gone. and i LIKE IT! I have learned to "feel" it and recognize it and learned how to not ACT on it. AND THAT IS wonderful way to live my lfie. My kids see the difference and I knwo the difference INSIDE of me and I like it.

It does make me sad that what x hated in me i also hated. Often i would act WORSE when teh anger came because of shame and guilt and yes PRIDE... X doesn't get to see the person that i have become. =( He will because she is here now to say--- but not like he could have if we would have been togheter.

Also - yesterday i was at the grocery store being my outgoing self and liking it. My d12 and i were walking out and i said.."I like that part of me.." we both smiled and laughed because she likes it too.

this is long i know but just well just me talking.

things haven't changed in that x is still gone (and hasn't been gone long enough --)
i still love teh sorry sucker (HA!)
and i still believe in reconciliation.....

but it isn't stopping me from growing and changing