I hear your frustration and expressions of hopelessness and they seem very understandable and reasonable. That said, we only know your side of the story and he may feel very differently.
So I'm curious what you might think he, in your heart of hearts, is feeling. You know this man very well. So take yourself out of the equation for a minute. Set aside your own feelings and try to put yourself in the shoes of someone he might confide in. What would he say to you? How would he portray things? Do you think he's stable or not? Do you think he's capable of change or not?
Your expectations and feelings are preventing you from steering this one, IMO. That said, can those things realistically be put on hold in order to attempt improvement given the way things have been happening, given your own pressures, and given the way you feel about him?
Can you rise above the turmoil long enough for him to try to find a way to join you?
Put another way, can you be the one who is the healing influence on his anger and frustration, despite the fact that you're angry and frustrated? I'll be honest, given the sitch as described, I'd find that hard to do. But, there it is. He can't get there because of the antagonistic feelings, and only you can relieve that antagonism and make him feel safe, even though you're the one who NEEDS to feel safe.
So, what do you want? What are you willing to do?
On a side note, there's someone over in Divorced, lovenomatterwhat, that I recommended read your thread to get insight to how his wife might feel the need to protect herself. If you have time, could you take a look at his sitch?
