Quoting andrea: but today, we march together... and he was so kind, gentleman, always presenting me his buddies, docs colleague, caring about me, laughing, sharing... Maybe you cant understand but for me this day has a lot of meanings... andrea
How wonderful for you, Andrea!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ok, lets journal a little just to continue actualized my piecing moment.... Writing on hopefulness board, i realize how long my journey had been and how different is my h now from that h i get back on the last reconciliation... also i accept i still have many fears that the story of that reconciliation repeat, that the bad vicious and confutions return... but beleive me, i am working a lot to maintain a PMA.... H feels so confortable with home, with me, kids, with his familly world... he is making plans for all always... He is so gentle and glad when i call him to office just to say hello... i dont do this always, but time to time... About the C, remember he began a therapy session and left it bc he didnt like the C... i think that maybe bc the fear i have that his confution arise again, i feel the need he going to therapy... So, last day i asked him... Do you retake the C sessions with another...?... he aswered me "no..."... and thats all.... Sometimes i try to think maybe he doesnt need it bc he feels so clear and cofortable with his actual life, but then i return to past and the fears came back... What if his confution punch him again, and he is not prepare to resolve it in the right way...?...i dnt know how to retake the issue again with him...? he is not a man for R talkings... What if he really doesnt need this...?... can he remain sane and happy even not going to C...?... Well, besides that fear on me, everything is s well between us, he is affective, caring and i dont see him sad, bored, or face confuse... that face i had seen on him many many days on our last reconciliation andrea
Hi everyone... This time is a quiet different for family right now, bc our oldest D and S are for camp away from home for 3 weeks, so we are only with baby D in home... Also on this period of time works are a little lazy bc many people on vacation so h has less work right now...!!.. Things between us seems to be quiet good... We talk, share and enjoy the cotidianity... althpugh my h seems to be a little stress bc economic issue but the positive is that he never is in bad mood and always remain confortable and caring about me...!! even we discuss time to time bc money issue, but now we discuss, not fight... As i wrote on sage issue, i have been dealing a lot with my fears and doubts about the past repeating in the future... but i know this will be a long journey, and i need to remember that whatever happen in the future i will know how to handle so... enjoy the present...!!... andrea
Well, lets journal a little... My scares and fears of the past days have been going down, but they arestill there... I was so tempted to mail h a letter like saying him : We will be 3 month together again... and there are lot of things i appreciate for you, you and me are soing really efforts to make a better M.... etc etc... but maybe we need some time to talk more abut us, to know how we feel, and i am really concern about you not going to a C... etc etc.... So, i controll myself and didnt sent it bc i think this is not the time to do that...!!... Great for me...!!... in th past i never thought first... nor i think first and then proceed... Things positive: Yesterday we spent a nice night at a bar drinking and eating something and talking about everything...!! and in the night we had been intimate... only that this time i felt it like an "animal activity" i dont know if you can understand me... not too much loving kisses, more pleasure... but at least he enjoy it and me too... I am doing my first steps to find new jobs, like a free lance creative writer, and i know i need this just to feel satisfy with my professional part... and to have less time without nothing to do and too much to think...!!... I note him less affective, you know less touching or hugging, and i dont like this... i always dream with a man so expresive and affective, but i know my man is not that kind, and that he preffer to express love caring about me, doing things together, making love frecuently, talking... So, i need to think more about the positive and try to accept and understand him like he is... I Had always demanded him to be more afective and he is doing great efforts about this, only that it seems is not sufficient for me... So, see you around... Andrea See you around
Andrea - just wanted to say hello. You posted on my thread once. Thank you.
I think you are very insightful - and kind. Hope your H learns to appreciate you big time.
Quote: i always dream with a man so expresive and affective, but i know my man is not that kind, and that he preffer to express love caring about me, doing things together, making love frecuently, talking... So, i need to think more about the positive and try to accept and understand him like he is... I Had always demanded him to be more afective and he is doing great efforts about this, only that it seems is not sufficient for me...
Question? Is your H from your country also? Maybe a stereotype, but your need for affection may be partially cultural. I, too, love the affectionate types - "touchy feely, huggy kissy" I call it. During my long M, my H was NOT that way with ME, yet was with DS and DD. Drove me crazy - even a little jealous
But, you are right, you need to accept H for the way he is, although I think maybe you can teach him what you like (your LL), when things are going really well and he feels good about himself. Just my two cents.
Hi Andrea, I'm glad to see things continue to go well for you. If your H thinks he is finished with his own C, do you think he might join you in C together?
Well, i wrote a post before but my coumputer fail to continue, so i will need to write again... Its been a while without writing here, bc sometimes i feel maybe i need to be appart from other stories here and live my own story... but always i miss you a lot and i think this is an excellent free therapy that in some points helps me too much... also i always care about you all and how are your life..!!... Thanks nick and cristina for your responses... Ok, last post i wrote you about my needs to send a mail to my h expressing him my needs to talk more about us, our R... i did it and i confirm that my fears and doubts about sending it were right bc his response... I sent him a mail so affective and expressing my admire bc all the efforts and work he had been doing for our R... but also expressing him my doubts about we never talk about us and the R and how we can know how we feel if we both never talk about this... That in the days we were dating before he get back home, we used to talk a lot about everything between us, that he expressed me his desires to go to c.. and that talks stops and he stop his C session withput telling me nothing more about chossing another one, etc... When he got home, he didnt told me nothing about the mail... so i asked... did you receive the mail i sent you...?... yes.... Why you didnt comment nthing about it...?... Bc i hate letters, mails and all that stuff.... if you want to talk, so talk, dont sent me that stuff..This had told me in an bored and little angry mode... So i got angry too and expressed him how i can talk if i feel a barrel between us... and that also i feel so sad and dissapointed bc his desconsideration about my desire of a better R that was the only objective and intention f the mail....! I left the bed room and read a little on the dining room... and then go to sleep... The days after that, we both try to lt it pass that discussion, we had never talked again about that, although we had been sharing a lot together... he is a little more affective, but only when i initiate touching or caring... Cristina you are so right about accepting the man he is, and yes, i know i can teach him a lot being as affective as i want not reserving myself bc his accttitude... i remember a lot michelles butterfly effect.... So, it seems i am a little boring about my R... i need some actions appart the routine, and my h use to bee too much routine adicted...!... maybe bc i am not working, maybe bc my oldest child are in a camp, maybe bc all that i have too much time without doing nothing... i dont know... But sometimes i feel our M needs some points out of routine, and my h use to be very resistant to that...!!.. Bt the way we had beeen enjoying a lot days at beach with our baby girl, dining time to time, am exercising a lot and he too... so... lets time do his part... see you around... Andrea
andrea, I tend to write down my thoughts these days - that way it is complete - does not go off-track and I can re-write it until it expresses my true feelings/desires and in the right tone. I sometimes call and then read to my husband (then usually email but not always). This works extremely well for us. He rarely writes back - he may discuss it or just let it 'sink-in'. I have actually done this (wrote a letter) when we are home together and request a written response - dated and signed (I do almost always read it to H so that the right 'voice is heard as intended as text is not always read as it was spoken' -the main problem with emails) - this prevents the 'wavering' and re-write of history (rewrite of the truth!) and I NEED this for me - when they pull that 'you are crazy' crap - you got documented truth that HE signed and dated or the very least his response that is dated. Even when we have (planned)discussions - I often have a sheet or page on notebook with 'bullets' of importance. I ususally do not take notes, but at least I have a guide to get us through it productively and in a timely manner. You would not go to an important business meeing unprepared and this is much more important, intense and personal than 'business' - also partners often have different comfort zones and effectiveness in different mediums of communications both in giving and receiving information - not to mention processing it! Recognize this, maybe discuss it and then use the combination(s) that works for both - and always be flexible to change as you both evolve into your one-ness that God intends for you.
Hope that makes sense - LOL - especially since it is about communicating LOL !
Genesis 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Ephesians 5 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
John 17:11 And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
andrea, you can read this in spanish - some may be on audio too (as some are in English) - but I do not know what is the King James Version in Spanish LOL.
Praying for you and yours and your country. Remember to ask Jesus to pray for you - He tells us that He prayed for Peter without being asked! He also tells us the only way to the Father is through Him. Faith. Hope. Love. LSL
Luke 22 31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: 32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.
Ephesians 2 1 And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; 2 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: 3 Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.
4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, 5 Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) 6 And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: 7 That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. 11 Wherefore remember, that ye being in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands; 12 That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world:
13 But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. 14 For he is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us; 15 Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; 16 And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby: 17 And came and preached peace to you which were afar off, and to them that were nigh. 18 For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father.
Thanks LSL for your support and words... Well, this weekend we went again to beach and enjoyed a beautifull sunny day with other friends and baby girl... We were with a collegue of my h and his familly and i enjoyed very much and he too...!!... I think that my h is suffering a little stress and depression bc the difficult economic crisis we are living here in my country... also his clinic dates are less this days bc vacation... So, it seems for me this is hiting his mood, so i always tell him thanks god bc we have food, health and unity... and this all crisis will pass... I used to work a lot and help him with some money, but right now i am not working, so maybe he is feeling too much responsability... but i think i had worked a lot and i have rights for a little rest... also i need to wait until my baby gorl beguin schoool just to have more time to look for my contacts and work... i had told this to him... let see... i need to have patience with his mood, trying to understand he is a little stress.... by by and see you around Andrea
abdrea,
Have you considered working a little (as opposed to alot) - is your work something that you could do for say 16 hr
a week (4 hr a day or 2 days a week) or where you can work a month or two (on a contract) at a time - this may lighten
your H's burden. Discuss the possiblilities with your H. He may not want you to work at all - think about it and
then discuss it with your H. Even if it is to see what he is thinking ... and to put your thoughts out there -
yes, we all need a rest, but sometimes I think the MLC is the 'rest' or escape for the WAS and you want to avoid that!
Andrea, continue to be his friend and that would mean sharing the burdens and responsibilities (cuts it in half)
and sharing the joys and blessings (doubles them!). There may be other ways you can help lift the cloud of financial
responsibility that your H is carrying - re-write the budget with him or on your own (but include him in the process) -
decide together what are 'needs' and what are 'wants', then prioritize the 'wants' and eliminate what you have to ...
that could be some or all of them ! depending on the priorities you set together and the finite amount of $.
In the Bible men had stewards, who were responsible for the finances of their master... we are stewards today of our
own finances that God has blessed us with:
Luke 12:42
And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward,
whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season?
This has been a lesson for me in this journey ... my plan was to be debt free by now...I did not speak up when
I should have and I was not a good steward because I did not want my H to do without (and I did not make him aware of
every money matter and the bottom line) - we both worked and we both paid bills - I had targeted the surplus in my
income to pay off debt but I should have repeated that and engaged H in that process. We could have been debt free
in 3 years. I should have stated my plan and gone forward with it, even if my H had OW ... he would no have had
money for OW! Of course, I was of the mindset, "ok, this will make life for 'us' desirable, comfortable, etc...
an investment in our future..." I am now unable to work and am struggling through straightening out our financial
situation which will probably include bankruptcy which is a HUGE problem for my H (not that I am looking forward to it)
but he has worked every day of our marriage for 31 yr and we have always paid our debt and he blames me for the loss of
my income - it is not logical nor true, but it is real to him.
andrea, I told you the above because if it prevents you (or someone else)from the errors I made it makes my bad
experience have value.
The other lesson that I still struggle with is tithing - seems we always need the amount of money we make, but the
reality is that God gives us everything - we are only giving back to Him a small offering of what He has given to us.
As I get my situation under control, I will open a separate savings account and put 10% of my (our if H agrees) gross
income into it and use it to help 'feed the sheep' by supporting the Church(es) and ministries that the Lord leads
me/us to support. I will not keep this information from my H.
Maybe you cant understand but for me this day has a lot of meanings... 
Sometimes i try to think maybe he doesnt need it bc he feels so clear and cofortable with his actual life, but then i return to past and the fears came back... What if his confution punch him again, and he is not prepare to resolve it in the right way...?...i dnt know how to retake the issue again with him...? he is not a man for R talkings... What if he really doesnt need this...?... can he remain sane and happy even not going to C...?...
I was so tempted to mail h a letter like saying him : We will be 3 month together again... and there are lot of things i appreciate for you, you and me are soing really efforts to make a better M.... etc etc... but maybe we need some time to talk more abut us, to know how we feel, and i am really concern about you not going to a C... etc etc.... So, i controll myself and didnt sent it bc i think this is not the time to do that...!!... Great for me...!!... in th past i never thought first... nor i think first and then proceed... 
I left the bed room and read a little on the dining room... and then go to sleep...