You've been in what seemed to be a pretty good place the past week or so, and I really didn't want to see you go back to the place where you get frustrated, waiting for the knife to fall.
I can see being angry. Given the closeness between the two of you lately, and given the circumstances in which this came out, I'd probably have been angry too. Unlike you, I might have gone as far as expressing that anger to her this morning - not that I think that would have been a good idea.
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That just makes me truly wonder if things are ever really going to progress past this point. It has just been basically the same deal for 6 months now....her acting like things are, or could be OK and us being this happy fun loving couple...and all along her position has not changed. That's pretty disheartening. Especially after what was going on the last couple of weeks.
This is the paragraph I guess that put me on alert.
I honestly believe what I wrote earlier regarding her words versus her actions.
I think she would have to be an incredibly cruel person to be able to so fully embrace the love and closeness between the two of you, and then turn around in 6 months and say "Well, that's it NDS, one year is up. Nice knowing you."
Is there anything else that gives you reason to believe that she is a woman with that capacity for insensitivity inside of her? I just don't see it in what you have shared with us.
I DO believe that she has moments, flashes in time, where she is suddenly terrified. I believe that every once in awhile her mind reminds her of the past, reminds her of her resolution, and tries to convince her that what she has been reveling in is nothing more than a house of cards that will soon go up in smoke.
I believe she is incredibly afraid of that happening.
Because I believe that she LOVES this life the two of you have been living the past several months. I believe that her heart is completely given over to this man, the one that is fulfilling all those dreams that our wives have of who we will be to them, and who they will be to us.
The cold hard truth for her is that she is facing a much greater risk now than before. Remember, she declared herself done. In your quiet moments consider how difficult it was for her to give up. Think about the joy she feels in THIS life with you now, and then truly ponder what agony she must have felt as she labored over the decision to call your marriage done.
And now you do this.
Now you show her the REALITY that she dared not hope for. You showed her the NDS of her hopes. And each day you are showing her the life that she always KNEW the two of you could have together.
How can she help but embrace it?
And how can she help but fear that it's nothing but a ruse?
And this my friend is why I, and many others, have tried to steer you clear of focusing on hearing those magic words, "I've changed my mind."
You ask for too much, too soon.
What you are getting instead is a woman in love with the life that once lived only in her heart. You get to see the joy, the peace, the satisfaction, the silliness, the sleepy comfort that she finds in the things that you share. You get to see her embrace your time together. You get to see her slowly thaw from the hardness of 6 months ago, into the woman you love.
This will take time.
Every good day with her is money in the bank.
Every quiet, normal evening spent together is restoring a piece of your future.
This is not a woman who WANTS this to end.
This is a woman who is afraid it WILL end.
Those words you don't like hearing come from her fear. Acknowledge that and receive it as both a reminder and a challenge to YOU. Don't recieve it as a slap in the face. Don't see it as a sign that you've made no progress - if anything, it is quite the contrary.
SHE FEEDS OFF OF YOU.
She is so entwined with you emotionally that she picks up on your state. When you have withdrawn in the past, I believe she has too. And when you have withdrawn, don't you think it strengthened her fear that this is all pretend?
You know your course. Be NDS. Every day. Be NDS with all his goodness and his peculiarities. His strengths and his weaknesses. But be the NEW NDS who is man enough to admit his failings and be humble about his abilities. The man who loves his wife more than getting his way.
So, sorry for the 2x4.
I refuse to allow you to screw this up my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
