I am a little waffle-ish today, I think my little female friend is coming in a couple days which always makes me weepy I am embarrassed to admit.
In this particular moment I am deciding to let love lead and be the word love put into actions. My MIL called to say my H is stressed out working on the fence. I talked to him, he will be here in an hour. I made meatloaf and party potatoes (diced potatoes baked w/sour cream and cheddar cheese) which will be done baking in an hour. Now i am off to finish mowing the lawn. If he is stressed, I will be the place of calm, and comfort. The rest is his choice to make (how he responds)...
I have a BIL who is a dentist, but he also knows how to do plumbing, electrical, carpentry, fix cars, and about everything else. These are skills that no one else in my family shares. And he and my sister live near my parents and other brother, the doctor. They have been married for 20 years. For the first 15 years, BIL was Mr. Fixit for my parents in both of their houses, and my other brother. They bought ceiling fans, microwave ovens, window air conditioners, etc., and called BIL to come install them. For 15 years. When my brother, the doctor's, heat went out in the middle of winter, did he call a heating contractor? No. He called my BIL. Heating contractor would cost $90. Finally BIL had enough. He just stopped being able to help them. When they call he says, "I don't know, I don't think I could fix it. You better call someone." He has his own house and family to take care of. It's time for your MIL and FIL to start calling professionals to help them too.
Gonna throw my 2 cents out on this. IMHO it sounds as though H is spread abit thin. His job, cattle business, farm work, helping parents, work on M, etc. When one has this much going on it is easy to blame it on the weakest link for the level of stress i.e. the M. Seems to me H uses this as the thing he can lash out on and lay it all on. Most sons will not blame their parents cause we feel it is 'our' responsibility to help out our parents and not tell them no I am guilty of it to be honest and it was a sore spot in my M. Now I'm not going to blame my job for the stress cause it pays the bills. I'm not gonna lay it on the business I/we are starting cause it will be the future. So I know the one thing I can take advantage of the weakest link so by the time I get home I just can't be comfy cause you want something I just don't have it.
IMO it's the old adage you hurt the ones you love i.e YOU! Not that he is doing it so much on purpose, but maybe cause he feels if he disappoints you it's no lose cause he already feels like he has in the past and isn't putting himself into like he knows he should. I don't know if I am saying this right or how I wanted to kinda tough to put into words so foregive me if it doesn't make sense.
IMHO I would go back to acting as if, lay out your boundaries, ask for what you want as you said in your last post be the calm for now. Dig deep for more patience stay up with your running and working on you.
Again if this doesn't make sense I apologize, just seems to me he is using you and the M as the scapegoat for his stress cause he doesn't want to 'look bad' in front of others...
BBJ..I want to apologize for not getting here sooner. I know you came over and asked earlier..I do not know what his problem is. I would love for a woman to to those things for me and offer a back rub. Do you think he's just so stressed out with work, farm, blood pressure worries, MIL/FIL that he just constantly retreats to his cave? He has serious communication problems with you. It's apparent that he has an easier time talking to other people and a tougher time when talking to you. I wish I could offer advice or make something better but I can't really figure out what his problem is. I know when I was dog tired I never offered any type intimacy to my STBX..I just wanted to be left alone to veg..I'm sorry this is happening..please continue to post and I'll try to follow and offer up what I can.
We are on a big time rollercoaster at my house. Yesterday I was ready to kick H out and file, and then he said something about us being in this forever together, so I don't know what to think. I am just trying to be patient and see what happens. I suck at patient...
No you dont suck. You have been trained all these months being here and on this ride...
Stay focused and dont let him affect your mood that much. You are very clear about what you want and you have the tools to get there. He is not 100% with you yet. Be patient. Love K
I don't think I've written to you before, but I wanted to let you know that I can relate to your frustration. It is so hard to make changes in yourself, yet not see the same from your h (or at least the changes are so slow in coming that we don't see them yet).
My h also seems to think that sitting in the same room watching tv, even though we may be 10 feet apart, is together time.
ooh ooh and another one pipes up (that's me!) that has the same thing happen with her h. Being in the same vicinity is NOT quality time though it is a damn sight better than no time together AT ALL!
Last edited by Purple; 10/06/0802:58 PM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
The fundamental problem/concern I have is this. I refer to it as being at opposite ends of the spectrum, H calls it a catch-22.
I want to start off with the foundation of commitment. Meaning, I want us both to say "I am here. I am not going anywhere. Things may get hard, they may get ugly. We WILL have good days and we WILL have crappy days. But I am HERE and I WILL continue to be here, no matter what."
This attitude/approach frees me up b/c then I feel like, it is okay to have these arguments. And when H wants to take a time out and drop the subject, it is ok because we have plenty of time to address it (whatever it may be) later. I am free to say whatever I am thinking/feeling b/c we are trying to grow together. I don't have to try so hard to DB (know what I mean?) EVERY interaction. I can just "breathe and BE" around my H and let him do the same....
In Retro we had to each pick a goal for our M. Mine was to establish a foundation of commitment and fidelity (it came off a list of suggested goals). My assignment was then to write H a letter regarding my promise/pledge of commitment and fidelity. I wrote this up and read it to H on Saturday night.
ON THE OTHER HAND...
H believes that we must get beyond all of our issues, all of our past, all of our garbage FIRST, then once he feels comfortable sharing himself with me, THEN he can commit himself to our M on a long-term, commitment-type basis. That is opposite of me. I want the commitment to make it worth the time and effort to drag everything out, deal with it, and move forward. He wants to make sure we can deal with it all before he can commit....
He did not do the personal blueprint for his own life, which came as the first assignment, nor did he do the Marriage Blueprint/Goal/Action plan.
When I asked him yesterday what he thought about my letter to him pledging my commitment and fidelity, I said I wanted an honest opinion. H said he feels that I come at this whole Marriage/relationship thing with "Rose-colored glasses" and "unrealistic goals/expectations". He said he doesn't think you can just decide to be 100% committed and to vow to love and support the other person forever, no matter what....
OK
A) That explains a lot! How could he be committed and faithful and supportive of me if he fundamentally believes that is unrealistic and "rose-colored" thinking?
B) HELLO--what is marriage if not a vow of love, commitment, and fidelity. Has he read the actual vows he took?
BUT JUST TO KEEP IT INTERESTING...
H says he is "working on" feeling that way about our marriage/relationships in general. He wants me to be patient while he works on it. He says he still has tons of anger/unresolved resentment directed toward me for things that happened/decisions he made in the past. Things he has told me AND our counselor that he KNOWs are not my fault, but for which he also knows he blames me anyway.
This grates at me b/c I feel that I have been willing to forgive him for his REAL screw-ups, like cheating on me with more than one woman over the years, lying to me, and walking away from me and the kids (mostly me) when he moved up to Iowa. And yet he is holding back b/c he can't forgive me for things that he ACKNOWLEDGES were never really my fault??
So this is where we stand. I asked him if he could promise me forever yesterday, before the Retro class we had. He said, "That is what I am working on". So I said, "But you aren't there yet..." He sighed and said, "I am trying" which was an answer in its own way.
But then as we were in a horrible argument on the way home from Retro, with him punching the car door and yelling as I drove down the road, he said he wanted to drop the argument bc he was too agitated and we could talk about it later. I tried to pursue (bad habit of mine), and he said "If we are going to be together forever can't you let it go for right now?"
I don't know if that means he wants to commit or if he is just using my own argument against me to get what he wants....
I decided screw it, I will drop it b/c it isn't helping to fight. I did my best to let it go for the night, kissed him goodnight, kissed him goodbye this morning as he goes to canada for four days...
Not sure what comes next.........................I just don't want to open myself up to him again, feel all those feelings for him and then have him say, "Well, I tried, it didn't work, bye bye"
Does he listen to what they say at Retro or the C? Retro clearly teaches that love, commitment, forgiveness, and trust are all decisions. Decisions that need to be made at the outset to support the marriage. He is wearing rose-colored glasses if he thinks that things will work out without the four supports. From what you tell us about your H, I see a very demanding person who does not live up to his own expectations, but thinks everyone else should. I don't see why you should be trying so hard to please him, take care of the kids and the house, and earn a salary, if he is so uncommitted. Does he have any awareness of what his life would be like if you took the same stance he does?
