Thanks guys. Right now I just want to cry. I feel so lost about this, defeated almost. I know how to make it through and keep my Marriage. I can let H go do fence whenever he wants, work on cows however he wants, spend money however he wants, and never complain that he doesn't spend time with me or show me affection.
But then I will die inside.
I can scream and wail and pound my fist and demand that he step up or get out. Then I will be the crazy lady he couldn't live with anymore.
Those are the two extremes. I feel like I have been living the happy medium so far and it isnt working, either. Taking things from the list:
2. the one in distress has the obligation to speak up : I do this whenever I am frustrated. He tends to act sad/guilty but then not really change his ways, or change them for a day or two...
3. do not make strong declarative statements : You mean, like saying "I can't live like this anymore?" Crap, guess I won't say that, then
4. Ask questions... What can I do differently next time ? : I do that often, then try a new approach, but seem to get the same (non) result.
5. If you have a need or want, you might want to state it out loud. Neither one of us is capable of reading minds. : This is one of my strengths. I can tell H exactly what I want from him, such as hand-holding, words of affection, time spent alone together, dialogue time, phone in view, etc. I tell him exactly what I want. He says it is all reasonable. Then he lapses on half of it...
6. Be specific with requests, & know that it's okay for the other person to say yes, no, or I'll think about it. : This is what I did yesterday, I sent him the cute invite about having a "date" last night, even having my mom get the kids. He did not reply. I talked to him an hour later. I asked if he read the e-mail with the invite. He said "Yes, I haven't answered yet, but I will". Then he didn't. I just called my mom anyway and arranged for her to take the kids. He never came out and said yes, he just said (at 6 when he got home from work and I had to go work at the football game) "If you want to, that would be fine".
7. It's okay for the other person to be angry. : H gets angry at me for things but when I am angry he acts all stressed and says it raises his blood pressure/angina issue...
8. It's NOT OKAY to scream, yell, call names, get personal, intimidate, or threaten the other. : I have only done that once but I am so feeling the urge at this point. I will control it though.
9. It's nice to be able to depend on someone, it sucks to be dependent on anyone.: That's kinds of my whole point. I am NOT dependent on H, but I NEED to know that I can depend on him and that our M isn't just surviving day-to-day without a long-term commitment from BOTH of us.
10. The healthiest relationship is a "power equal" relationship. : This is NOT happening. H spent $500 on fencing supplies and $800 on cattle feed and didn't bother to tell me. I dont' want him to have to ask, but I want to be informed, I told him I want to be a partner in OUR cattle business. When it comes to our M, H keeps telling me that if I want something, I need to tell him, or I need to initiate it, or whatever. Where is HIS effort in this? Just showing up at home each night, while an improvement from last year, is not enough for me now even if it would have been then.
11. Save yourself first. : Meaning? For me to save myself from this frustration would mean walking away for a time-out at this point. I don't know what to do.
12. The people here (DB) really care. Some of them are more like family to me than my own flesh & blood. Hugs : Agreed
