I am having a sucky day. I just can't get it "right", it seems. I feel that it is an "H" problem, not a "me" problem, but we are supposed to share the blame in these things, aren't we?
The visual image I get of this "piecing" attempt is when you are playing tennis. On rare occasions, the ball will go past the person you are serving to, bounce up, and get stuck in the chain link fence. Got the image in your head?
That is how I feel my "piecing efforts" go...I lob one out there at H, and it doesn't bounce back. It just gets "stuck" on the other side.
I actually said in frustration last night, "What have you offered me since we got back together? What have you initiated? What efforts have you made? You tell me, 'If you want to watch a movie, say, 'Let's watch a movie''. Or you say, "If you want to sit by me, come and sit by me", etc. etc. What have YOU done to show me YOU want anything from/with ME?"
Of course he had no answer....
My dad came and got the kids at 9:15, they were gone by 9:30. I had specifically sent H a cute e-mail "invitation" asking him if he wanted to join me for wine, a movie, and relaxing at 9ish...
So I walk the kids out and come in and H is watching ESPN highlights. I say, "Are you planning to watch sports for awhile?" (THIS is where H says I should have TOLD him I wanted to watch a movie..?..) H said, "Yes, I am"
So I said, fine, then I will go and shower. SO I showered and put on a cute, simple nightgown. Then I went out and flopped a couple of comforters out on the floor between the couch and TV (we have no coffee tables so there is an open space to lay and watch movies w/the kids). So I offered H wine or Crown Royal and Coke. He declined. Then I made myself a glass of wine and sat down on the blankets w/my back against the couch. H chose to sit ON the couch, actually he lay on the couch from one end to the other so there wasn't really room for me. (THIS is where H said I should have come up and joined him on the couch, trust me this would NOT have been at all comfortable if even possible!)
So I lay on the couch w/my wine. He had turned it from sports to VH1 and it was a documentary on the 80s-90s rap group NWA. It was very interesting, talking about the history of gangster rap, tensions in LA prior to the riots, etc. But it wasn't the funny movie I was wanting (HERE is where H said I should have said, "Remember, I want to watch a movie".)
After a little while I said something about the morning and he tells me he forgot he has to be at work at 7 in the morning to manage the plant operations...yippee. I said, guess you will want to go to bed soon then. He said, "Yeah I will head to bed soon". I had the bedroom set up with candles, all cleaned up and calming, for giving him a backrub.
When he said he was heading to bed soon I had a meltdown. I said, "I don't get it, I invited you for drinks and a movie followed by relaxing. You sit on the couch while I sit on the floor and then say you will be heading to bed....WTF?" He in turn got anxious and said his Blood Pressure was up again, that talking like this stressed him out...I went out for a walk (at midnight). I came back 20 minutes later, he was lying on the floor. I told him I didn't want the stress. I just wanted to be able to be WITH him, touching him, holding hands, sitting on his lap, whatever, just be CLOSE to him for the evening. He said he understood that, but made no move to come and touch me. I pointed out that four different times I approached him on the couch and gave him a kiss and he kissed me back/let me kiss him, but that was it...
That is when he told me all the points in the evening when I could have made things different MYSELF....That is when I asked what HE had brought to the table in terms of healing our relationship, in showing me I was loved and wanted....and he had no answer.
PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong. But so help me, don't tell me it is wrong to have expectations. He moved back in to work on our marriage, we are going to marriage classes, etc. So I feel I SHOULD expect certain things from him. I don't think I am unfair, I spell out for him what I want (time together, physical, non-sexual touching/closeness) but he just doesn't do it. Don't know if it is can't or won't....But then I get upset and that is the reason for his stress/anxiety/heart attack scares? B/C it is so stressful to live with a wife who complains? I said if you would come home, act happy to see me, sit with me, touch me, say you love me, etc. I would BE so happy and not a complaining W. I am at a total loss how to "fix" this one..............
The child inside me is screaming that the a$$hole who took off and left me and ran around w/OW should be shouldering the load here, not me............
