Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Oh, I had to learn a very hard lesson last night. One I never thought I would get hit with, but alas the universe wanted me to grow some more.

I went out with a friend to a surprise Bday party. All of the bunko woman were at this party. About three weeks ago I stayed with this friend and was feeling very vulnerable because of my upcoming test. I broke down and told her about my cancer. Now, from the begining I had decided I would not tell any of my friends. I did not want to 1) have to keep talking about it over and over with them 2) have to keep reassuring everyone I am ok 3) have the extra burden of sicknees placed on them when I was already crushed with my H leaving me. I knew I could handle my illness. I had doctors telling me what to do, I had pills I had to take...it was laid out in front of me how to procede. I needed my friends to help with the loss of my STBXH. There were no plans for that, there is no possible cure (with the exception of Dbing but that did not work for me anymore) and I didnt have statistical numbers to hold onto like I did for my cancer. THat part of my life felt out of control and hopeless, my illness did not.

After I told her I could see her change how she talked to me and looked at me. My heart sunk but I let it go. All I asked is that she keep the information sacred between us. I made it very clear that I did not want ANYONE to know. Last night at the party several different woman came up to me saying things like, "I'm glad you are doing better." "Wow, you are looking so healthy." I knew she had told. When I confronted her she lied and said no she did not say anything. Then someone finally confessed that yes she did tell them all. I was hurt, I was crushed, I felt so betrayed. I told her this and said, "You promised me you would never tell." We left the party (her H drove us there) and road back in silence. Right before we get to her house she turns to me and proceed to yell at me. Profanity and distain are just dripping from her. She tells me I am just exhausting. I am silent through this and then finally say, "I never meant to be a burden to you. I never wanted you to feel that way." At this point she then procedes to yell "Oh will you just shut up, you Fing b!tch." Once again I am shocked by my friends behavior.

Without going into all of the goring details,I am just amazed at the turn of events. I thought of this person as one of my closest friends, she felt like family to me. I have tried over the last year to rotate around my pain to all of my different friends so that no one was recieving the brunt of it. I would vent some of my hurt but tried not to focus on what STBXH was doing to me, although at times I did fail and have spent the night crying on a friend's shoulder. Still, I dont understand her reaction or her bitterness. She betrayed me and I am the one who gets called names. Maybe it is the fear of my cancer? Maybe she secretly is angry I did not tell her before? I dont know and guess I will never know.

So, what did I learn? I have learned that our friends become pillars of strength that we begin to rely on when we are going through this crisis. Sometimes we do not see that we can place too much of a burden on them. Sometimes we just need to be strong on our own and let them just be friends. I wish she would have said something instead of waiting until it boiled over. The words she used in front of my son and the way she physically attacked me a couple of different times in front of my son make it so that I have to let her go. She is a good person, just not a very strong one. I feel bad that I became too much for her and am sad that I lost someone that dear to me.

Why am I sharing? So that maybe others will learn from my mistake and not put too much of their pain onto their friends. Yes we should be able to count on them, but only for so much.