For all of you that dont know my antecedents and story, you can find many many threads of mine, searching by andrea... My last thread is on midlife crisis site... "My last and final reconciliation"... briefly, 2 separations, OW included differents on each one, 2 reconciliations... H and i working a lot on our M... 3 kids... 11, 9 and 3 years... This time i see in my h a really and motivate actitude towards M... a good M, a great R... He is attending Therapy alone... he accepted a crisis in his life... he now is relax, enjoying the R and me too.... So... lets beguin the journal that i think will help me to maintain the good changes, avoid the bad actions that brings up bad effects, etc etc...
This are things i think i need to work a lot...
I always put too much expectations about my h reactions and actions... and if he do not act as i like, i get upset or beguin to feel unsure, unsecure, sad about our R I had noticed that when i stop expecting too much, then i receive what i want... when i act spontaneusly, relax, accepting what i receive, then the R flows better and both of us feel more confortable being with each other. So, i need to work on this... For example, he has a bike road on sunday and we both are invite to a party the same day... He had told me about that bike plans... So, i wll not expect anything... Lets see how he resolve enjoying his plan and our plan at the same time if this is possible... but i will try not to expect what i want to be his response.. I need to stop analyzing everything he say or do or every face or look I had noticed that this habbit makes me feel crazy and so insecure... this doesnt help me and doesnt help our R... Sometimes a bad face or a bad mood is not relate at all with his feelings about the R or the M... and when i beguin to analyze everything, my mood and my response and my spirit changes drastically causing bad effects in our R... For example, i was analyzing a lot why my h doesnt shows a big apetite for sex right now... (3 times in a month after 3 month of separation)... Analyzing the cause of this, makes me feel insecure, and makes me express him my doubts about his lost of sexual apetite... And this, definitely, shoes him i always unsatisfied with all the effort he is doing to make our M work....
Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action This is so important, bc asking him for reassurance makes him feel pressure and it is like saying him "hey, always is not too much all the effort you are doing"... the reassurance is on me after his actions... He can teel me a lot of thinks trying to assure me his loves, and at the same time not feeling anything of what he said... Words means nothing... He is with me, at home, he is being care, lovely, he is getting home early, there is no misterious phone calls or signals of OW around... thats what counts...!! I need to respect his space and enjoy my own space each day more and more I tend to think that bc my h sometimes preffer to bike or run instead of being at home with us, this means he doesnt love me enough... and this is a crazy thought... he is enjoying his own space... and what he needs is seing me glad bc that, and me sharing or asking him abput his wonderfull time, etc... or enjoying with him the wonderfull time i passed with some friends.... I need to keep enjoying my own space... when we were separate i enjoyed a lot with old friends... and i had noticed that since we are together again, i had stoped a little being with that friends... i need to maintain this PMA and my own space bc this makes me feel better and this makes growth my independence and self world...
I need to hear him more and talk less when is his turn... I use to talk a lot and interrupt his conversation... so... i need to work on this... to let him express what he wants...
I need to accept and know each day more the new man my h has comes to be Bc the experience we had lived in our M, bc the change in look both had experienced, we are different... Now he feels more handsome, he enjoy putting good cloths, he is exercise fanatic and health habits fanatic... and he wants me more and more thiner, more and more atletics... This new man feels more atractive to women, so... i need to makes him feel so atractive for me instead of fearing or feeling scare about this feelings on him... Now he makes love different, he is more dinamic and active, and this is a new facet on him that doesnt have to relate with OW experience... this is part of this new man he wants to share with me.
This are things i need to continue working, and that i am doing and bc of that is causing great effects on my M
I need to continue interesting in his passions and interests He need to feel me glad and interest in his bike and jogging passion... Now i enjoy seing with him the resume of Le tour of france resume on TV, i ask how he is doing n his training for the NY marathon... i express him how impressive and emotion is to see him n november participating on that marathon, etc etc.
I need t remember how lovely and affective is being with me Bc in the past this was a great request and demand from me... and yes... he is putting a great effort on that... and guess what, now i can see him enjoying whn he hug me or makes me lovely touch when we are seing TV or we awake in the morning.
I need to accept that he is not that kind of man who express in words his love He is more action oriented, so, i will not receive too much "i love you" or words like that from him, but i will receive a great kiss saying good bye, or a nice phone call at the middle of the day just to know how i am, or a nice invitation to dinner... this is the way he express his feelings for me.
I need to continue putting him first of my familly and friends His desires, his positions, are important and i need to accept this even if his position doesnt like me so much some times... for example, my sister ask me to lend her the portatil radio we have for a travel she and her familly is doing to orlando... I know how maniatic and cautious is my h with his stuff... when i asked him about lending her the equipment, he answered me in a great tone of voice: "well, you know i dont like to lend this, and also i use this in my bikes roads"... So, even i was sad not being able to loan the radios to my sister, i understand his position, i accept it, and explain my sister that it was impossible to give her the radios bc my h use them for biking. Some years before i surely had made a big trouble with that, now i am different, accepting he has the right to wants or not doing something...
Some new things i am doing and that makes great effect on our R
Now i occupy more about the home things and tasks and do not left for tomorrow what i can do today In the past he used to tell me and tell me and tell me to do something, and i left it and left it... now, i work and try a lot to resolve things at the same day is this is possible... and he is so glad when he finds out i had done without problems and resolve things without letting time pass... for example, he asked me to find out which were the request for renovating the visa of our children... and today i enter the web site of the consulate, i look for the information, and pass it to him... Thats was what he was expecting from me...!! and i do it, and help him putting interest in the task as the interest he puts on my request.
I am deciding new plans and inviting friends to home, a think he likes so much... i let him take the initiative but some times i take it too Now i know the best way to ask him money and do not complaint when he told me he hasnt to give me too much or XX ammount. I know when is the best moment to talk about expenses and when i see him in bad mood i avoid that cnversation... the effects are great, excellent.
I put now a little dosis of mistery on my day to day... i dont tell him everything and he needs to ask me just to know some things about my day, what i had done, whom i saw... etc... i had found being not too much transparent and open to him, maintain him more interest and curious about me.
From day to day, but not too much to convert this in an habbit or monotony, i tell him how handsome he looks... or i call him only to say "i love you", or any of this great details that makes him feel so glad... and now i know that too much of that doesnt hav the same effects os little dosis, dispensed in time
The butterfly effect that michelle explain on her book really works.. Holding hands. Hugging him makes him nor wnjoy a lot that holding and hugs
The humour in the R is so important, laughing together, being stuid some times, makes the difference from time to time
Now i am more direct when i complaint or ask him about something... i tell him exactly what i want or what i didnt like about something, in a calm and sofly tone of voice...
........................ Ok... now let post some great actions of my h the last hours t remember in the future and feel so nice about the R - Yesterday he told a couple of friends i invite hom to dinner how proud he was bc my nw cooking skills... - Today i shared with him a great time i had done ascending the mountain i use to ascend each morning and he congratulate me bc the effort, he was so nice... - I asked him money bc i need to buy some presents for parties my children have n weekend, i ask him is a great and lovely mood, and he asnwered me in the same way...
This is all till now... let see how things IMPROVE for tomorrow...!! andrea
Well, lets journal a little just avoiding to preserve some moves or achievements that can be usefull to re-take in the future.... Everything had been so fine between us... We enjoyed a great weekend and me and him are so calm, relax and having fun...!!... enjoying our home, kids, and both presence... About the things i posted i need to work on, i think there are some improvements...!!...
I always put too much expectations about my h reactions and actions... and if he do not act as i like, i get upset or beguin to feel unsure, unsecure, sad about our R Again i put a great expectations on saturday... We were going toa friend of mine home... bc his S and mine will go together t a summer camp and we want them to meet before... So, my h doesnt knew this friend and his h and before we never use to get out with friends of mine and always use to get out with his friends or friends of both bc he feels more confortable that way... So, i had too much expectations about his mood on this meeting... But, guess what...?!!... even that expectations, i can controll my mood and relax and enjoy the night even i saw him not too much cnfortable and relax with my friends... and this time the thought i have was: Well... he is less social and open than me... i can be friendly and relax in any place, with new r old friends... but i need to accept he is not as me... This doesnt means he is not happy... this only means he is social different from me So, this time there were no blames from me... this time the night finish so well between us... and i enjoy a lot the night...!!...
I need to stop analyzing everything he say or do or every face or look Although i analyze his mood on that meeting wuth my friends, my analysis was constructive and possitive...
Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action He had came with us to my friends home... thats was count... He had done an effort... in the past he would said: No, i dont want to go... but this time he accept the invitation and he really try to enjoy it and pass it fun...!!... thats all... this is the way he is tellling me "hey, i am caring a lot about your wishes and needs..!
About the things i am doing each day better
I need to continue interesting in his passions and interests I enjoyed with him the Le tour of france resume, asking him abut the strategies... and it seems he enjoy a lot my interest in his interest...!!.. I also asked him about his jogging training and he was so open t tell me how he had done and how tired he was after running 10 km...!!..
I need to remember how lovely and affective is being with me Yes... and yesterday, on a first communion party of one f my S friends, he had been so affective in public... he was so nice, so care, so lovely...!..
About the new things i am doing...
Now i occupy more about the home things and tasks and do not left for tomorrow what i can do today
I insist on this, and he loves that...!!... Me making speciall dinner t our kids... me cleaning all the cuisine stuff before leaving...!...
I am deciding new plans and inviting friends to home, a think he likes so much... i let him take the initiative but some times i take it too Like my initiative to make plans going to my friend home...!!... i said Yes to my friend and then, knowing that he had not any more plans, i told him we were going to that home at night...!!...
Now i know the best way to ask him money and do not complaint when he told me he hasnt to give me too much or XX ammount. On saturday i asked him some money to buy presents for my S parties... So, at first he told me he hasnt and that we can go to that parties without present... So, very caml i told him NO... i dont like that... i cant go to that party without a pesent... if you can, k, but i cant...!!.. and my needs and positions counts too in this R....!... So, in 10 minutes he get close to me, and say... hey, do you think you can buy the presents with XXX ammount..?... i said it was OK... and thanks...! Si, this also relate to another point i posted... Now i am more direct when i complaint or ask him about something... i tell him exactly what i want or what i didnt like about something, in a calm and sofly tone of voice...
I put now a little dosis of mistery on my day to day... i dont tell him everything and he needs to ask me just to know some things about my day, what i had done, whom i saw... etc... i had found being not too much transparent and open to him, maintain him more interest and curious about me. After the meeting with my friend and his h, he catched bc the cnversation how many things i am enjoying with this old group of women friends from my college... It is like showing him... hey, she is enjoying her own space... her frriends... you are important but nt the nly reason for happiness in her life...
The humour in the R is so important, laughing together, being stuid some times, makes the difference from time to time
On the first cmmunion party on sunday, both were so humour in the group... always joking, laughing, talking with others... and i need to say i was SO PRETTY... this is a point so important also for myself and for him...!!... Now i try always to look atractive, even before getting bed, awakening, etc, etc...!!
So, this are some improvements... also we will sign a reconciliation on court tomorrow...!!... I hope you are also doing well, specially with yourself... Stay in touch Andrea
Quote: For example, i was analyzing a lot why my h doesnt shows a big apetite for sex right now... (3 times in a month after 3 month of separation)... Analyzing the cause of this, makes me feel insecure, and makes me express him my doubts about his lost of sexual apetite... And this, definitely, shoes him i always unsatisfied with all the effort he is doing to make our M work....
Could your H be suffering from depression? I know that has definitely affected my H's sex drive - in fact, he told me while he was gone last week, he didn't have a single erection all week. Even he knows this is a sign of his depression.
Or maybe he's still struggling with guilt feelings. Either way, don't take it personally - I don't think it's about you!
Ellie: Nw i really can tell you i am enjoying a lot my h effections and lovely touch withput being intimate so frecuent as i will like.. I think yes, maybe he is suffering some kind of depression... and although he get really great erections, maybe the depression or something like that had lowed his sexual drive or apetite... So, as you can read, i will not ak this personal... not more..!!.. he is seing a psyquiatrist, maybe he is taking some pills... i dont know, bc i try not to ask him too much about that... i think this is his own space... as i hace mine enjoying my sessions... So, only actions and achievments will tell me how he is feeling... thanks again andrea
It sounds like you are doing a great job in trying new ways to act and think. It really shows that you are putting a lot of thought into working on your marraige. You also have a great attitude! Keep up the good work!
Thanks talitsa for your wishes... Ok, lets cntinue joruanling the positive, after all that months writing negative and hurting moments and feelings...!! Yesterday my h was so affective and lovely... he is so care about this, now he is the one who began the touchs and affections...!!... thats great...!!... I also gave him a CD of a nice music group he wants, just to enjoy it while we will be roading to an aisle for vacation with kids... He kiss me and say thanks, a thing he never did in the past....!!! Girls, Boys, maintain the faith... you can win, always win from their crisis... remember bono�s song... With or without you!!... happiness is all around you, get the strong to find it...!! andrea
Well.. its been a while since my last hello... just too much for do with my kids in vacation already...!!.. This past days i had been a little revolt... just thinking some time about the past months and year, OW, fguring his time with this ladies, etc... But something that function for me is obligating me to think in smething else when this toughts came to my mind... I never talk about this with h, never tell him about my nightmares, etc... just controll myself and continue smiling and enjoying the present... Anther thing that is anoying me a little is thinking that always there is a possibility that our M end... and always i think the cause could be his not desire of being with me... so, i need to work more on my independence, my self life and try not to depend too much n him to feel happy... This is so hard for me, but i need to work on that... also i need to think present is what count, and if that happen, then i will see how i feel and proceed...!!... Nothing in this life is for sure, and if i dont feel 100%sure about my h, i need to know how to life with that...
But apart of my thoughts and moods or scares, there are many many great efforts in my h about our M...!! 1. We had been intimate and was great...!! 2. He is so affective...!! 3. Some days ago, a common friend invite him to drink something outside home.. Was the same friend who was with him that last night that i found out he was with OW before the last separation... So, when i came home, he insisted me many many times to go with him and his friend to that drinks night... I need to admit i was revolted and a little jealous when i saw him so cute ready to go outside... I even told him... Hey.. why are you so cute...?!!... so, when i said this, he again insist me to go with him... I was so tired, and i also wants to show him i can manage my doubts, i can try to thrust again in him, and i can accept him enjoying his own space... So, i said no, i better stay at home... The positive here is me controling myself and trusting in him... He, working to makes me feel sure about him... 4. He enjoy a lot being with kids and me, as a whole familly, going to a movie, or anywhere... making plans on weekends the whole weekend...!! 5. He talked to me about the possibility me doing gym in his club (a private club all the doctors stuff enjoy in his clinic). This is a big step bc he always had avoid me being in his world or space... I told him i think this wasnt a good idea bc i preffer my own gym.. is bigger, with more space, etc... and he agree with me...!!
About my steps and works... 1. I am so direct when i ask or demand smething from him...!!... calm, gently, but direct...!!... 2. I enjoy a lot sharing with him his passion for the bicicle, training program, etc... and he now tell me a lot about his improves and goals...!! 3. I make plans for the whole familly by my own, and then tell him... and i also let him make some plans...!! 4. I am not smoking in front of him... or when i am with him... and this please him too much..!!. However i am sincere and tell him i hadnt quit tabac, but i am trying. 5. I continue working on my self image and body... going to the mountain each day... trying to avoid trash foods... looking for my hands and nails.. my clothes...!! 6. Resolving as soon as possible home task...
So, this is all till now... See you around... Andrea
The R is great now...!!... no fights or crazy moods... always trying both to avoid fights bc stupidity things, preffering talking and not blaming or claiming...!!..
Andrea - you sound good - but go out with him when he invites you (even if you are tired) and go to his gym even if it's not as nice as yours! He's inviting you into his world - be a part of it as much as you can.
Thank you for that honor!
