how do I keep DBing when he feels this way?

[kelaaron]

Lifeline--

I have been following your sitch. In some ways I feel your pain but the more you write, I feel your H's, must have been my H's too. We were the person who was never suppossed to hurt them. We took that away, even if that was not the intention.

I have been on my own rollercoaster since latest bomb, and to be quite honest, it's been 15 years since my A and I'm just only now really beginning to understand WHY I did it. It had nothing to do with H and everything to do with ME. I always put on an aura of super confidence. My whole life. I don't know if that is what H fell in love with or if he saw the scared little girl that was underneath. Bottom line, I have been scared my whole life. Scared because of something that happened when I was a child and no one protected me. Eventually, I just protected myself. Or so I thought. I had no personal power. I just never knew how to say no, to anyone. Felt like I couldn't, about anything.

My H was a wonderful man but he has always been emotionally distant. It started out mostly with silence. He only lets himself get so close. I am only really seeing that now too. It has been a problem through whole R. After my A, I felt so guilty about hurting him. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to. I just wanted him. To make me feel safe. Before and after the affair. After the first time he got mad at me, about 6 months into R, that went away. It isn't his responsibility to make me feel safe but that is what I have wanted. He couldn't have ever saved me from my own demons. I know that now.

For 15 years, I have felt like a whore. A maid, a cook, rarely like a wife. I don't really know if H has made me feel that way or if I just felt that way after what I did. Probably a little of both since he has always been angry. About it and other things that have little to do with me. My hurting him made me like every other person in his life who was suppossed to love him.

Please, if you want to fix this, you really need to figure out why you did this. Not some answer that doesn't hurt but the real reason. H needs to try to figure out his anger. He may never be able to. For me, it wasn't about sex or love. It wasn't about anything H did or did not do or that he wasn't attractive enough or manly enough. I had no power within myself to say no to someone who was sort of nice to me. I had no self respect. I felt if I just said yes, this person would not hurt me. My self protection. Just go along with it and you won't get hurt. That is what I was told at 4/5 years old. Go along with it or I'm going to put you in a box and cut you up. I'm still not sure what exactly action came with that comment but I still feel the fear that I had like it just happened. My parents did nothing. They didn't understand or even wonder why I would run and hide behind furniture when the doorbell rang. Or the relief I felt when it wasn't him at the door. I still remember his face as it was the last time I saw him at 17 years old and the terror I felt. I have confused time lines in my head in order to forget that last meeting. I took good events of the visit and moved them mentally to other visits so that I could remember them fondly without remembering him. Without remembering the smirk on his face when he saw me again after years, acting like nothing was wrong. I was finally able to say no to him in a dream about 2 weeks ago. It felt so good. I finally realize I can say no to people before I feel overwhelmed and just scream it or say it out of anger.

H has always thought I would run back to CT. where my family is. I have always wanted to go back, but I know I never will. He is there. He is still friends with my cousins. I will never be able to go back there. H thinks it is because of S. But it isn't.

Figure it out. Please. Some people say nine months is a long time. Sometimes it takes longer. Sorry about the hijack.

[Lifeline]

I know what you are saying makes sense.
I did the "c+m receptacle" thing last night and it was awful.
Today I told him I can't do that again and I think we need to stop having sex for now.
Which of course led him to say, "See, I told you so, you're just going to run away" etc.
Am I proving him right or am I right to not put up with some of these things?
Nothing seems to help!
Thanks for your inputs -- I do appreciate them.

[kelaaron]

If it doesn't make you feel good, don't do it. It is really that simple. He can't abuse you and expect you to take it forever.

[Sugar and Spice]

How is H abusing you this way supposed to fix anything? How are you running away? Because you don't accept being treated like less than human? Being called a cum receptacle is just not ok. I'm sorry, but that is just wrong. How much does he need to humliate you in order to feel better? FWIW, it doesn't seem to be working as he can't look you in the eyes. Your H is hurting and instead of working out his feelings, he focuses his anger and pain at you.

Is he in any sort of IC? What are you doing for you?

[Lifeline]

Thanks again for everyone's replies.
I did stand up to him this weekend and say that I cannot be his XXX receptacle. When I explained that I felt like a whore the other night when I had sex with him knowing that was all I was, he said that the sex we've been having for the past eight months hasn't been good for him either. So that's a surprise -- all along I thought it was good that we were "bonding" with sex.
But, in the end, I did stand up to him and say what I can't accept. That's the good news.
The bad news is that I handled it all wrong. We ended up getting into a huge fight with me saying things off the top of my head (like I used to) and him saying, "See you haven't changed!"
To which he is correct.
When faced with difficulties, I tend to get defensive and blurt out whatever is on my mind, whether it's true or not. Example: We've been going back and forth trying to figure out why I had the affair. It seems like he can't accept the reasons I THINK I had the affair. So last night, I got defensive and blamed him for the affair -- I know, the worst thing I could possibly do.
I apologized last night and this morning and tried to explain that I said things out of anger and didn't really feel the way I said I felt last night.
But he can't forget what I said.

[CME66]

Sounds like you had a Freudian slip and really will continue to blame your husband for your own moral turpitude. All you did was try to win an argument and be hurtful to your husband and twist the knife a bit deeper and harder. You still have not accepted the fact that trust and fidelity were tossed in the dumpster by you.

Your husband did not crawl into another man's bed.
Your husband did not remove your panties for another man.
Your husband did not concoct lies and deceptions.

When he yells and vents his anger and frustration, suck it up. Allow him to express himself and free himself from the anger. It will pass in time, hopefully.

You did more damage than you can possibly ever know. It is not your place to try to justify your actions.

This is not Hollywood. This is not Dr. Phil.

[GoingForward]

When faced with difficulties, I tend to get defensive and blurt out whatever is on my mind, whether it's true or not..... So last night, I got defensive and blamed him for the affair -- I know, the worst thing I could possibly do.
I apologized last night and this morning and tried to explain that I said things out of anger and didn't really feel the way I said I felt last night.

Did you read that, CME?

Lifeline has admitted that she was wrong.

She is here for HELP.

Rubbing her wrongdoings in her face - please tell us how that is helpful when I believe she sees it already.

This woman is hurting just as much as her H is.

Lifeline, you made a mistake, and you've apologized through your words. Now how can you SHOW your H that you are truly sorry through your ACTIONS?

[Lifeline]

CME66--just wondering if it really is necessary for you to remind me that it was me, not my husband, who removed the panties. I do think you have good points, but to tell you the truth, although I may not be able to explain my actions, I do remember the actions themselves.


However, I don't tune you out when you reply -- you make a good point. I didn't see my words as trying to "justify" my affair; rather, I think I'm trying to "explain" it -- perhaps now that you mention the "justification" I can see how my husband can get upset, thinking I'm trying to give reasons why my actions were ok.

I'll think about this for a while and see if I can't communicate myself better when talking to my H about the reasons for the A.
Thanks,
LL

[CME66]

My W is blaming me for her feelings and not takiing full accounting for them. She is remanufacturing her view of me and our 20+ years together as me being an opressive ogre from day one.

Full reality is a bear. You cannot achieve healing if you want to continue to whitewash the truth. Each and every one of the actions you took was a knife in the back to your husband. Every time you made yourself up to please your lover. Every time you bought a new blouse or dress because "he" might like it was a betrayal.

You must plumb the naked, raw depths of your transgression before you can see what your husband is feeling and see how you can repent and seek his forgiveness.

People nowadays are too eager to forgive people who comit ill deeds because they don't want to "offend" anyone by laying blame at their feet.

It is clear where the blame lays. Own up to every single misdeed you did to hurt your husband. Consider this a training run for you to listen to all these horrible things and accept tham as your own.

Then you will be able to sit with your husband and hear him say the same things and not try to play oneupsmanship with him and keep you cool and begin the healing.

[limbo]

(((lifeline))))

I agree with some of what is being said, that your H doesn't have the right to make you feel like a whore for what you did.
My H had an affair, and I can say that I have tried my hardest not to make him feel bad for doing it!
And reading alot of thing hear I know that most people here don't treat there spouse's in that way.
When people come to this site such as yourself, from the other side, we should not be beating you up for it.
We are all human and we all make mistakes, and in coming here you are admitting and facing what you have done.
And I do not believe that your h has a right to treat you in the way just because he is the injured party, nor do you have to accept it because of your part in this.
So I think we have to sit down and decide what the next step is or should be. COunseling is an option, as is retrouvaille.

I am sorry that you are being treated in this way.