I just dont know how to think about our work/progress/piecing in our M.
It is like my H says he loves me, but doesnt really show it. It is like he is still a mlc teenager just seeking satisfaction for himself.
My H changed so drastically from the man I once knew trusted and loved. Now I am scared all the time, neglected, my self esteem has been shot, and I have constant thoughts of not deserving this treatment.
We have made a lot of progress, but it is no where near where we used to be or where I want to be.
I was much happier a few years ago when My H was still my H. Now, we have set up a relationship that satisfies all of his needs and very little of mine.
Let me explain: -H got in fight with my Brother in 2006, since then he wont do very many things with my family. When he does, he is very quiet and ignores my bro, and it is awkward on all of us. My parents feel like they did something wrong and that my H hates them, and they or I just cant understand my H's behavior towards them all.
-We still live seperate becuase my H is only conscerned about his future and getting back on his feet after his bankruptcy 2 yrs. ago. The other reason is so that he can have a place in the center of town and be a social butterfly at all the bars in walking distance. He tells me he doesnt like my townhouse and it is too small for us both. I had to buy this when he left me and I had no where else to live. Now I feel stuck here.
-My self esteem is shot. I used to feel good about myself and who I was. Now I am always feeling like I am not enough for him. I always have to listen to him talk about hot women, and ladies that like him or hit on him. He flirts at the bars all the time. And I am still struggeling inside to get over his whole stripper escapade.
-He puts his band and his buddies first all the time. Almost daily, he hangs with all of them untill he has had his full, and then he comes over and hangs out with me for a night cap. It makes me feel like I am just being used for sex.
-Sex, it used to feel right, loving - soft - caring -and in regular amounts. Now it is like he is a sex fean. He wants it all the time, and it is long, rough, hard, hair pulling, slapping, and porno like. Not very romantic or loving feeling. But he says how much he loves it and how I am his "sex godess" (his words).
-The little things: like he no longer lets me cut his hair and instead he goes to a salon to get it done. The hair dressors there told me that he was hitting on them when I wasnt with him. But he still goes there now that he is back with me. And he no longer cares about eating dinner with me - he eats out at bars and restaurants almost three times a day.
-He drinks every day of his life unless if he is hung over.
-He no longer wants to do any traditions with holidays, or my family, or our old camping trips. Now he is only concerned with his family functions and going on camping trips to his childhood lake.
-I am alone alot. I am very tight on funds. I take care of all three of our pets. I dont care much for any of his new friends. He has had many drinking and driving incedents with out being caught and continues to do it.
WHHHHHEEEEEWWWW. I know I am complaining badly. But I feel like my situation is so hopeless. I am afraid to tell him I am unhappy becuase every time I ever have before he just leaves or says "if this relationship is giving you this much hurt then we should just give up".
I will do anything to save my M. I believe in our vows. ANd I believe that people grow and change. I hope he can grow into a good H someday. In the meantime I try to have patience, but my fears are so overwhelming. TIPPER
