For all of you that dont know my antecedents and story, you can find many many threads of mine, searching by andrea... My last thread is on midlife crisis site... "My last and final reconciliation"... briefly, 2 separations, OW included differents on each one, 2 reconciliations... H and i working a lot on our M... 3 kids... 11, 9 and 3 years... This time i see in my h a really and motivate actitude towards M... a good M, a great R... He is attending Therapy alone... he accepted a crisis in his life... he now is relax, enjoying the R and me too.... So... lets beguin the journal that i think will help me to maintain the good changes, avoid the bad actions that brings up bad effects, etc etc...
This are things i think i need to work a lot...
I always put too much expectations about my h reactions and actions... and if he do not act as i like, i get upset or beguin to feel unsure, unsecure, sad about our R I had noticed that when i stop expecting too much, then i receive what i want... when i act spontaneusly, relax, accepting what i receive, then the R flows better and both of us feel more confortable being with each other. So, i need to work on this... For example, he has a bike road on sunday and we both are invite to a party the same day... He had told me about that bike plans... So, i wll not expect anything... Lets see how he resolve enjoying his plan and our plan at the same time if this is possible... but i will try not to expect what i want to be his response.. I need to stop analyzing everything he say or do or every face or look I had noticed that this habbit makes me feel crazy and so insecure... this doesnt help me and doesnt help our R... Sometimes a bad face or a bad mood is not relate at all with his feelings about the R or the M... and when i beguin to analyze everything, my mood and my response and my spirit changes drastically causing bad effects in our R... For example, i was analyzing a lot why my h doesnt shows a big apetite for sex right now... (3 times in a month after 3 month of separation)... Analyzing the cause of this, makes me feel insecure, and makes me express him my doubts about his lost of sexual apetite... And this, definitely, shoes him i always unsatisfied with all the effort he is doing to make our M work....
Not directly asking for reassurance. Seeing it through action This is so important, bc asking him for reassurance makes him feel pressure and it is like saying him "hey, always is not too much all the effort you are doing"... the reassurance is on me after his actions... He can teel me a lot of thinks trying to assure me his loves, and at the same time not feeling anything of what he said... Words means nothing... He is with me, at home, he is being care, lovely, he is getting home early, there is no misterious phone calls or signals of OW around... thats what counts...!! I need to respect his space and enjoy my own space each day more and more I tend to think that bc my h sometimes preffer to bike or run instead of being at home with us, this means he doesnt love me enough... and this is a crazy thought... he is enjoying his own space... and what he needs is seing me glad bc that, and me sharing or asking him abput his wonderfull time, etc... or enjoying with him the wonderfull time i passed with some friends.... I need to keep enjoying my own space... when we were separate i enjoyed a lot with old friends... and i had noticed that since we are together again, i had stoped a little being with that friends... i need to maintain this PMA and my own space bc this makes me feel better and this makes growth my independence and self world...
I need to hear him more and talk less when is his turn... I use to talk a lot and interrupt his conversation... so... i need to work on this... to let him express what he wants...
I need to accept and know each day more the new man my h has comes to be Bc the experience we had lived in our M, bc the change in look both had experienced, we are different... Now he feels more handsome, he enjoy putting good cloths, he is exercise fanatic and health habits fanatic... and he wants me more and more thiner, more and more atletics... This new man feels more atractive to women, so... i need to makes him feel so atractive for me instead of fearing or feeling scare about this feelings on him... Now he makes love different, he is more dinamic and active, and this is a new facet on him that doesnt have to relate with OW experience... this is part of this new man he wants to share with me.
This are things i need to continue working, and that i am doing and bc of that is causing great effects on my M
I need to continue interesting in his passions and interests He need to feel me glad and interest in his bike and jogging passion... Now i enjoy seing with him the resume of Le tour of france resume on TV, i ask how he is doing n his training for the NY marathon... i express him how impressive and emotion is to see him n november participating on that marathon, etc etc.
I need t remember how lovely and affective is being with me Bc in the past this was a great request and demand from me... and yes... he is putting a great effort on that... and guess what, now i can see him enjoying whn he hug me or makes me lovely touch when we are seing TV or we awake in the morning.
I need to accept that he is not that kind of man who express in words his love He is more action oriented, so, i will not receive too much "i love you" or words like that from him, but i will receive a great kiss saying good bye, or a nice phone call at the middle of the day just to know how i am, or a nice invitation to dinner... this is the way he express his feelings for me.
I need to continue putting him first of my familly and friends His desires, his positions, are important and i need to accept this even if his position doesnt like me so much some times... for example, my sister ask me to lend her the portatil radio we have for a travel she and her familly is doing to orlando... I know how maniatic and cautious is my h with his stuff... when i asked him about lending her the equipment, he answered me in a great tone of voice: "well, you know i dont like to lend this, and also i use this in my bikes roads"... So, even i was sad not being able to loan the radios to my sister, i understand his position, i accept it, and explain my sister that it was impossible to give her the radios bc my h use them for biking. Some years before i surely had made a big trouble with that, now i am different, accepting he has the right to wants or not doing something...
Some new things i am doing and that makes great effect on our R
Now i occupy more about the home things and tasks and do not left for tomorrow what i can do today In the past he used to tell me and tell me and tell me to do something, and i left it and left it... now, i work and try a lot to resolve things at the same day is this is possible... and he is so glad when he finds out i had done without problems and resolve things without letting time pass... for example, he asked me to find out which were the request for renovating the visa of our children... and today i enter the web site of the consulate, i look for the information, and pass it to him... Thats was what he was expecting from me...!! and i do it, and help him putting interest in the task as the interest he puts on my request.
I am deciding new plans and inviting friends to home, a think he likes so much... i let him take the initiative but some times i take it too Now i know the best way to ask him money and do not complaint when he told me he hasnt to give me too much or XX ammount. I know when is the best moment to talk about expenses and when i see him in bad mood i avoid that cnversation... the effects are great, excellent.
I put now a little dosis of mistery on my day to day... i dont tell him everything and he needs to ask me just to know some things about my day, what i had done, whom i saw... etc... i had found being not too much transparent and open to him, maintain him more interest and curious about me.
From day to day, but not too much to convert this in an habbit or monotony, i tell him how handsome he looks... or i call him only to say "i love you", or any of this great details that makes him feel so glad... and now i know that too much of that doesnt hav the same effects os little dosis, dispensed in time
The butterfly effect that michelle explain on her book really works.. Holding hands. Hugging him makes him nor wnjoy a lot that holding and hugs
The humour in the R is so important, laughing together, being stuid some times, makes the difference from time to time
Now i am more direct when i complaint or ask him about something... i tell him exactly what i want or what i didnt like about something, in a calm and sofly tone of voice...
........................ Ok... now let post some great actions of my h the last hours t remember in the future and feel so nice about the R - Yesterday he told a couple of friends i invite hom to dinner how proud he was bc my nw cooking skills... - Today i shared with him a great time i had done ascending the mountain i use to ascend each morning and he congratulate me bc the effort, he was so nice... - I asked him money bc i need to buy some presents for parties my children have n weekend, i ask him is a great and lovely mood, and he asnwered me in the same way...
This is all till now... let see how things IMPROVE for tomorrow...!! andrea
