Hope your friend will have time to do some DBing, though I'd say she's probably busy enough to keep herself distracted :).
Yes I don't like not having plans either. Doesn't mean you can't have plans at ALL though, just not plans in the way that you would maybe hope to have had them. For example I don't necessarily know what day/when/how my H will reach out to me, BUT I do have a sort of plan or "model" if you will for how I should address the different types of contact. Doesn't mean I always do as well as I could, but it is my plan and I am controlling my own behavior, which is the only control we are really left with.
There's a great resource in the forums somewhere if you're interested that has really helped my own PMA. It's called the special as-if model. You could probably do a search for it if you decided you were interested. I posted a link to it in Daisy's thread a few weeks ago I believe. Well my point here is that this theory is that you actually have a lot more "control" or maybe it's better to say understanding of the relationship than you think you do. Your H is not so focused on the relationship, so really doesn't understand the dynamics. You are focused on it, and do understand the dynamics, and understand what's going on. It then goes on to talk about different layers to a personality. There is the core layer, the "A" layer that doesn't really change much over time, the deeply held values around marriage, family, religion etc. Then there is another layer protecting that, then finally there is the "C" layer, or the sort of ever-changing "right now" layer. It is from this that we hear the spew, but this doesn't usually reflect the person's core values. The concept is that it is very likely that your H still has the same love for you, the same feelings about marriage etc., but that the feelings are bruised and buried. It then goes on to talk about meeting the "right now" values by validating, and working to start meeting core A values over time. It goes on to say that couples who make it back to each other go through 3 phases. There is the withdrawal phase, probably where the bomb is dropped. Then there is the transition phase, which is where I guess it can go either way. It suggests that we have the chance to use the transition phase well by starting to meet our S's core needs again, even though they may not be aware of this yet. So we find ways to be the very best friends possible and support them with as much love as possible etc. If this is successful, then the final stage is intimacy where both parties are working on the relationship again. My point with all of that is that this IS something you have input and control over, i.e. the way that you drive the process from your side, and the way in which you choose to react, and thus actually make changes in the situation and "drive" it forward.
Anyway sorry for rambling on. Just something that I've found useful, and sounds like we are similar in many ways :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
