I have been following your sitch. In some ways I feel your pain but the more you write, I feel your H's, must have been my H's too. We were the person who was never suppossed to hurt them. We took that away, even if that was not the intention.
I have been on my own rollercoaster since latest bomb, and to be quite honest, it's been 15 years since my A and I'm just only now really beginning to understand WHY I did it. It had nothing to do with H and everything to do with ME. I always put on an aura of super confidence. My whole life. I don't know if that is what H fell in love with or if he saw the scared little girl that was underneath. Bottom line, I have been scared my whole life. Scared because of something that happened when I was a child and no one protected me. Eventually, I just protected myself. Or so I thought. I had no personal power. I just never knew how to say no, to anyone. Felt like I couldn't, about anything.
My H was a wonderful man but he has always been emotionally distant. It started out mostly with silence. He only lets himself get so close. I am only really seeing that now too. It has been a problem through whole R. After my A, I felt so guilty about hurting him. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to. I just wanted him. To make me feel safe. Before and after the affair. After the first time he got mad at me, about 6 months into R, that went away. It isn't his responsibility to make me feel safe but that is what I have wanted. He couldn't have ever saved me from my own demons. I know that now.
For 15 years, I have felt like a whore. A maid, a cook, rarely like a wife. I don't really know if H has made me feel that way or if I just felt that way after what I did. Probably a little of both since he has always been angry. About it and other things that have little to do with me. My hurting him made me like every other person in his life who was suppossed to love him.
Please, if you want to fix this, you really need to figure out why you did this. Not some answer that doesn't hurt but the real reason. H needs to try to figure out his anger. He may never be able to. For me, it wasn't about sex or love. It wasn't about anything H did or did not do or that he wasn't attractive enough or manly enough. I had no power within myself to say no to someone who was sort of nice to me. I had no self respect. I felt if I just said yes, this person would not hurt me. My self protection. Just go along with it and you won't get hurt. That is what I was told at 4/5 years old. Go along with it or I'm going to put you in a box and cut you up. I'm still not sure what exactly action came with that comment but I still feel the fear that I had like it just happened. My parents did nothing. They didn't understand or even wonder why I would run and hide behind furniture when the doorbell rang. Or the relief I felt when it wasn't him at the door. I still remember his face as it was the last time I saw him at 17 years old and the terror I felt. I have confused time lines in my head in order to forget that last meeting. I took good events of the visit and moved them mentally to other visits so that I could remember them fondly without remembering him. Without remembering the smirk on his face when he saw me again after years, acting like nothing was wrong. I was finally able to say no to him in a dream about 2 weeks ago. It felt so good. I finally realize I can say no to people before I feel overwhelmed and just scream it or say it out of anger.
H has always thought I would run back to CT. where my family is. I have always wanted to go back, but I know I never will. He is there. He is still friends with my cousins. I will never be able to go back there. H thinks it is because of S. But it isn't.
Figure it out. Please. Some people say nine months is a long time. Sometimes it takes longer. Sorry about the hijack.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
