Help! At what point is DBing not the right thing to do? I've admitted to my H my affair, we've been working on reconciling for the past nine months. He just can't believe me--I understand why, but what do I do when I get an e-mail like this? It refers to my painting my nails the night before I was with OM. My H thinks I did it FOR OM. I didn't and I told him that. I was just bored and I painted them. Yes, OM was the first man to see them painted. But below is what my H thinks I should say -- but it's not true! And the last line? How am I supposed to cuddle, kiss, initiate when he feels this way. Yes, I felt like a whore with OM -- what H is asking me to do is be a whore with him too. And I don't want to feel like a whore again.
My H wrote that I should have replied to his question about why I painted my nails this way: "I painted them to look pretty for OM. When we were f***ing and my feet were on his shoulders I noticed they didn't look good, so I wanted them to look pretty for him. He liked to play with them and suck on them so I wanted them to look good for him."
I could at least respect that, because it is the truth. I am not going to play with them or lick them or suck on them anymore, and I don't care if you ever paint them again. I just want to get off and be done. Take care of me like you took care of him. I don't want to work for it or anything. I want to know what it is like to have someone let me just use them for my personal cum receptacle."
Lifeline, I wish I knew what to say, hon. What your H is doing.....it's just so.....mean - and that's a big understatement. I know he's hurting, but my goodness, he's clearly emotionally abusing you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Right now, he is the one that hurts down in the deepest place a man can hurt and YOU are responsible. Right now, you are not entitled to an explanation about how he is feeling. From his message, you can actually gather a great deal of info about how he is feeling. In fact, he is so angry and hurt that when he does start to feel better, you will readily see it.
Be grateful that he is at least communicating with you rather than filing for D. If he wants you to be his personal cum receptacle, then be the best, most apologetic, most willing cum recepticle that ever cheated on their husband.
GF, CME66 -- I hear what you both are saying. And you both make sense. But they are very differing opinions. Sometimes I think it is emotional abuse but then I think it's what I need to put up with while he works this out. Part of me wants to say, if you really feel this way, then we can't be married. The other part of me wants to do what you say CME.
My point was that I vassilate between wanting to be tender, loving and emotionally connected to my W and give her what she feels she was lacking from me. Then the next minute I feel that she objectified the M and made it about sex and therefore I want to have a raw, visceral, whorish interlude with her with no emotional connection.
And then I swing back the other way. It really is a rollercoaster.
Let him get it out of his system. He is looking for sex with you. Be grateful he is not driving through the red-light districts.
Two wrongs don't make a right. No one deserves to feel like a "cum receptacle" or should pretend to be one. That's ludicrous. You respond by saying, "I know you are angry. I'm so sorry." But, NEVER let anyone make you feel less than human. Your husband is angry and is saying things to express them, however mean they are. Nine months is a long time to still be saying these hurtful things. It looks like marriage counseling with a pro-marriage counselor is in order.
Be grateful that he is at least communicating with you rather than filing for D. If he wants you to be his personal cum receptacle, then be the best, most apologetic, most willing cum recepticle that ever cheated on their husband.
Yikes.
I agree that since you (Lifeline) are in this place and obviously want to salvage your M, then you should be willing to do whatever it takes to get you there.
But at the cost of your own self-esteem? Your self-worth? I mean c'mon. Where do you draw the line?
I second everything Didi had to say.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Lifeline...wow sweetie....I'm sad for what you two are going through.
To me it just sounds like, (I know this will be hard for you to hear) but you have crushed his idea of you. Because you used to turn him down for sex, he assumed you were "too good" for sex...a "too good" girl. But then because of OM and because you can't really give him any good reason for going to OM for sex, now he sees you as a whore. Men have a really difficult time in their own heads about placing their wife into either the madonna or the whore category. It is a very shifty type of category in a man's head, not necessarily always based on facts. Men have their own whole separate type of emotions involved with their own sense of prowess and manhood that comes up when their woman goes for "just sex" to another man.
So anyway...I would guess that you have crushed the "idea" of you in your H's mind, and this is also why he can't look you in the eye.
Sweetie, I hate to say it but, I don't know if you can survive this with your dignity and self-esteem in tact.
If your husband is willing to try for reconciliation, then he also needs to be willing to forgive and move forward and not be cruel to you.
Occasional setbacks are to be expected and forgiven, but being cruel to you day after day is not going to create a new, happier marriage.
He either wants a TRUE reconciliation, or he should be set free.
Please don't accept this any more. You did what you did, and yes it might cost you your marriage....but it should not also cost you the price of the cruelty he wants to dish out to you.
If he could have a "safe place" to say all the horrible things about you he needs to say, but be given a time allowance...such as "ok you can verbally beat on me and call me a whore for one hour per month, for the first 4 months, but after that I never want to hear it again"...this is something that should be discussed in counseling and not attempted without guidelines. It could maybe help him get his anger out.
So...even while you try to understand his anger, his confusion about his image of you being shattered, his loss of his own self-esteem over his lack of prowess (because no matter what you tell him, a man will always think this)...even while you try to understand all of that and help him, you really can't enter into a new marriage that is actually worse than the old one. It just won't work.
You may have lost him - the old him, the one you cheated on - and you may have created a new him - the cruel one you are seeing now. If this is the case, you will have to swallow your medicine in the form of loss of the marriage...but you don't have to marry the new guy....even if you did help create him.
Please don't accept this any more. You did what you did, and yes it might cost you your marriage....but it should not also cost you the price of the cruelty he wants to dish out to you.
I agree with this. You cannot have a good M if he is still holding on to the A. Don't sacrifice yourself for your H. As hard as it is, since my W is in an A. I would not want her back if she was a doormat to the abuse your H is putting you through. Take your stand for your own dignity and let the chips fall as they may. Without your own self-respect it would be hard to be good to anyone else. Take care of yourself.
Last edited by yenko69; 10/04/0802:10 AM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
It sounds to me like you H has some things to work through for himself. I know you are sorry and feel bad about the A, but letting someone...anyone abuse you like that is not ok. No matter how much they have been hurt. I don't know if you are in C now, but if you two aren't then you need to get there. That type of behavior is only going to kill an already devastated R. Just my .02.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
