Did I feel ripped off? I wouldn't say that. I felt loss, though. Loss of trust, loss of what I thought was sacred and inviolable. [At the same time, I've done things that crossed the line and maybe my wife feels the same.] I guess loss of innocence is really what it was.
Not ripped off, though. For me that conjures images of someone else with my stuff. In a rip-off, someone else gains and I lose. Even if you squint and call her loyalty to me, mine, it doesn't fit. It's not a rip off. It's more like a flood or fire - destruction. No one wins. No one is coming out ahead in this.
So, no, I don't feel ripped off.
I was hurt, yes. Really hurt. But I always knew that would be temporary. It was hard but I knew that part would fade over time. I was getting over that. But she kept going back to him. She never stopped. That lead to even greater loss - the loss of the marriage itself. The loss of access to my kids. The loss of many tomorrows together, watching the school play, going to church together. Financial ruin. (I am not exaggerating) The loss of innocence for my children.
I don't agree that unfaithful people cannot understand how much they've hurt their spouses. I think they can, if they try. They can understand the impact. And they can make amends. They can rebuild. I think this because I have seen it. In my quest I have met people, not just online, who have survived marriage problems including infidelity.
So yes, I think that partners can understand the pain they caused each other. It's a mature realization that, WOW, I have done things that were damaging to my partner, my love. That's sad and sobering. But if one can develop a new resolve to goodness, we can avoid these things in the future. We can rebuild.
I also think that partners can carry their hurt too long. They can fall in love with victimhood. They nurture the hurt. And it grows and turns into an ugly jungle in their heart. And I think that's also unhealthy.
He says you will never understand how much I hurt him, how deep it goes? Those are the words of pain and resentment. What can you do, when he says that, but agree. Agree! "I know. I won't. I cannot understand. But I am so sorry. I regret what I have done."
Are you understanding? We tend to think of it as an either-or thing. But it's more of a growth thing. A continual process. I hate the way that sounds - like psychobabble - but it's true. You realize things over time, obliquely. You grow in understanding quietly, steadily, after long efforts at living mindfully.
You asked, What do you do? Hmmm, this is going to sound like a repeat: Get a life!
He isn't going to come back to you in the state he is in. You cannot lead him. You cannot take his hand and walk with him into the sunshine. I know how sad that is. I actually asked my wife that: "please, take my hand, let's walk this path together." But she couldn't. Wouldn't. It was very sad for me, to see her response.
So what can you do? get a life. Fill it up. I know, you have things you want, that you cannot have. Ok, pick the next best thing. And if not that, then the next best thing. Music? Cooking? Nature? Helping kids? Being the best bridge player in the neighborhood? You've got to care for yourself to be able to care for others.
Be sorry. Feel contrite. Accept responsibility. (But don't wallow in guilt! It won't help.) Be resolved to treat people better - everyone. See how many smiles you can generate in a day.
And hope. Always hope. Hope for better times. Hope for changed hearts. Hope for bright tomorrows. Hope forever. That doesn't mean wait for him, forever. But always hope for good things. Good things for him, good things for you. Maybe even together. Expect good things. They will come. Not instantly. Maybe not in exactly the form you thought or imagined. But good things will come. We must hope joyfully.
And if you are blessed, he will see you living and enjoying life, and he will see the hope and charity in your face and he will be attracted to you again.
