Lifeline...wow sweetie....I'm sad for what you two are going through.
To me it just sounds like, (I know this will be hard for you to hear) but you have crushed his idea of you. Because you used to turn him down for sex, he assumed you were "too good" for sex...a "too good" girl. But then because of OM and because you can't really give him any good reason for going to OM for sex, now he sees you as a whore. Men have a really difficult time in their own heads about placing their wife into either the madonna or the whore category. It is a very shifty type of category in a man's head, not necessarily always based on facts. Men have their own whole separate type of emotions involved with their own sense of prowess and manhood that comes up when their woman goes for "just sex" to another man.
So anyway...I would guess that you have crushed the "idea" of you in your H's mind, and this is also why he can't look you in the eye.
Sweetie, I hate to say it but, I don't know if you can survive this with your dignity and self-esteem in tact.
If your husband is willing to try for reconciliation, then he also needs to be willing to forgive and move forward and not be cruel to you.
Occasional setbacks are to be expected and forgiven, but being cruel to you day after day is not going to create a new, happier marriage.
He either wants a TRUE reconciliation, or he should be set free.
Please don't accept this any more. You did what you did, and yes it might cost you your marriage....but it should not also cost you the price of the cruelty he wants to dish out to you.
If he could have a "safe place" to say all the horrible things about you he needs to say, but be given a time allowance...such as "ok you can verbally beat on me and call me a whore for one hour per month, for the first 4 months, but after that I never want to hear it again"...this is something that should be discussed in counseling and not attempted without guidelines. It could maybe help him get his anger out.
So...even while you try to understand his anger, his confusion about his image of you being shattered, his loss of his own self-esteem over his lack of prowess (because no matter what you tell him, a man will always think this)...even while you try to understand all of that and help him, you really can't enter into a new marriage that is actually worse than the old one. It just won't work.
You may have lost him - the old him, the one you cheated on - and you may have created a new him - the cruel one you are seeing now. If this is the case, you will have to swallow your medicine in the form of loss of the marriage...but you don't have to marry the new guy....even if you did help create him.
