The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

Oh, the joys of middle age, or, The Loss of the Auto-Erection.

In a previous post, I surprised myself and talked about how, over the past year, I worked to overcome a life-long problem with Premature Ejaculation. This is still an ongoing process, as ejaculatory control still requires a good deal of conscious effort on my part, rather than occurring more 'naturally' or without much conscious thought. I'll also admit to setting pretty high standards for myself (perfectionist that I am), in that I won't be satisfied until I hit the 'porn-star' mode of staying nicely hard for as long as we BOTH like, and then coming 'on demand' when we're both ready for it.

There has been, however, an unintended consequence of all this, in that we have now seen the other side of the coin, in the form of the occasional erection dysfunction (ED) problem. For the first time in 20 years of marriage, my sexual arousal cycle no longer follows the 'hyper-arousal' curve that it did before; that is, previously I would be almost instantly hard the moment sexual activity began, and my wife never actually touched me (that she recalls) in anything but an already erect state. She, of course, always found this sexually exciting and very flattering to herself. However, with increased ejaculatory control has come a much more female-like arousal cycle for me, meaning that the initial 'excitement' phase leading to the 'plateau' phase is much more gradual, under control, and no longer hyper-active. Since men don't become fully erect until about 50%-60% arousal (where 100% = orgasm), this means that now when she's ready to take me in hand, I will likely NOT be fully erect yet (only 'chubby,' as it where). I am also more likely to lose some arousal during the act of love-making if, for example, I focus all attention on pleasing her for a while (i.e. I'm not being actively stimulated at the time). In other words, by 'solving' my PE problem, I've revealed what pretty much ALL men go through as they hit middle-age.

This has been disconcerting for both of us. We both got pretty spoiled to it always 'being there,' no matter when or what was going on. And it's hard not to take it personally, for both of us too. I start to develop performance anxiety and get frustrated when it doesn't behave "as advertised," and she starts to feel unattractive and like she's not turning me on any more. And the more we both worry about it, the worse the situation gets. It turns into a nice psychological knot.

Ironically, this psychological knot is quite similar to the one that women get into when they feel PRESSURED to becoming aroused and reach orgasm themselves. Such pressure works very much against her ability to do so, and will frequently shut my wife down. I've had to learn to relax and take the pressure OFF of her, and just let things flow as they will -- relax and have fun, whatever happens or doesn't happen.

The same thing now works for me. What we both have to do is to RELAX, and go with the flow of our mutual arousal levels --> to let them wax and wane as our love-making evolves and progresses. I have to learn not to become alarmed if she touches me in a not-so-hard state, while she has to learn the same thing --> to 'romance' and enjoy the 'soft-on' as much as the hard-on. The less pressure there is to perform, the more likely it will be that I'll reach or return to a high level of arousal.

The one thing that we do have going for us is that, thanks to my PE days, I've never left her high and dry, or wanting for attention because I'm done. I take a great deal of pleasure out of pleasing her, so regardless of my own particular state, she'll always get a nice ride out of it. We don't tie her pleasure to mine, but frequently swap giving and taking as we go.

I also don't want to fix this occasional 'problem' with pills, if it can be avoided. It's primarily psychological (for both of us), and we know it. So in perfect irony, I've now shifted from one chapter of exercises in Bernie Z's book, to another chapter of exercises.

I think I want my 30 year old body back...this one is starting to require way too much maintenance...

-- B.