Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Diane, That's an example of him having no signals. That same kind of evening has resulted in him rising from the couch at 10 pm, saying he's tired and going to bed. Leaving me sitting there like WTF. What's with sitting next to me, arm around.......? (never used to do this, only last couple months) Especially if its Sunday nite. Kinda last chance of the weekend. A couple times when that's ended w/me crying, he's then offered to go in the hot tub, which he rarely does, and wants to fool around right after. I feel like telling him no, but then he'd never ask again. So I go in with him. He does't get why I'm not turned on, and I can't believe he expects I will be since at no time did he indicate that was the idea. Most of the time doing stuff like that feels kinda like throwing me a few crumbs, as in platonic playmate, no sex intended. Keeping me company to make me feel better. Huh? Doesn't work.

I bought one of those metal fire bowls for him a couple years ago. He's hard to get gifts for since he doesn't do many fun things. He liked it. Used it a few times, then it sat on the deck. I know since he works nights we can't be out there all the time. He just has a lot of reasons not to. Its too hot, it might rain, back hurts, too late, tired, and the ever popular unspoken, he'd rather watch TV....than do something nice w/me? TV requires no interaction with anyone, friends, family. Sit there, hear voices, see movement, people talking, as if you've been involved w/people?

So he offered to have a fire probably because I pointed out the thing's lack of use several times in the past few weeks. Said I thought it'd be romantic since he likes fireplaces. Don't know why he's not into the hot tub. He used to go in the one at the racquet club. Its relaxing, feels good. Warm water moving over the skin. He just says it doesn't help his back. He went in it more when it was new & didn't need it to be therapeutic.

Our talks began back in July on a serious level. I'd tell him how I feel (all the SSW stuff before I heard of the book). Every time he'd go another weekend or miss another opportunity for us to have sex, or worse, turn me down again, I'd lose it. His block and parry always were "I'm sorry I don't make you happy" or "what do you want me to do?" The first was spozed to end the conversation, but I'd say, "Then don't" I explained clearly how I felt and what I wanted him to do, can you guess how many times he asked the same question when I couldn't not cry? So, poor, fragile male ego or not, I told him, probably 3 times: "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME, I WANT YOU TO INITIATE SOMETHING WITH ME. I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF DIRT. I WANT YOU TO NOT MAKE ME BEG. I HATE TO CRY AND YOU KNOW IT!"

What was that I said last week about hitting the mule in the head with a board? Gradually he's been initiating, but he used to be more upbeat about it and mention it earlier in the day or evening. Be in a good mood. Once in awhile he'd even do an afternoon, of course he'd nap right after, but wow. So this weekend, as unromantic as it will be, but what I need, I will ask him way before we use the hot tub, have a fire, watch a movie, exactly what he has in mind. Anticipation's important. I would think for him also. He's seen the lady on TV say foreplay begins in the kitchen at breakfast when you're nice to each other, get a pat on the butt, etc. It shouldn't be that hard for him to get the words out. I'm a sure thing. Not like he risks me turning him down.

We'll see what happens. Going to a clambake on Sun. aft. I'll probably ride tomorrow a.m. He'll have alone time, social time & lots of time left for us.

I have enough tension just waiting one weekend to the next, I can't imagine waiting 4 weeks between any chance for conversation, hugs, and whatever else might be possible. Even w/kids home & lots to do, it'd always be on my mind. You are a tougher chick than I am ;-)